ugh

i knew there would come a time when I fucked it up.
It started after my audition on wednesday, it was terrible, so so hard, i got depressed and immediately went for food, I had a HUGE binge, like ice cream, chips, lollies, block of chocolate. I thought i would absorb, but alas i had a freak out and purged until i couldnt speak. gross gross gross!! why do i do this???!??!?!?!?
So I vowed to myself I would get back on track, alas thurs and fri came and i had already fucked it up by eating normal meals, like pasta, heaps of dairy etc. It just makes me realise how much i love the feeling of being empty and light, full feels so unhealthy to me.
Saturday and sunday I had low calorie days, mainly cos i had a small binge but then purged and went without dinner. I don't want this to be the way things go, i hate bingeing and purging so so much, Wish i could just starve...

I need inspiration.
I read a post by Kemper today and it just summed up the way i feel. You should read it, at least i know there are people out there who feel the same way...

Where are my friends? Who are my true friends? I have 'friends' but i still get this intense alone feeling, Where is my life? I have no money, I have a shit degree, i haven't 'made it', my boyfriend and i are on the verge of ending things after nearly 5 years, my mum hates me, i am so so normal.
i hate normal.
i want to be better than that.

ugh

stay stronger than me
xx

The Old Days

ok so I'm just sitting here watching a movie thinking about the days where i would buy all this junk food and eat it in one sitting and then prepare myself for a massive purge when i was done. Ugh not a good way of doing things, I'm happy iv kinda eliminated the amount of times i do that, anyways i havent binged in about three weeks. So what am i eating now then? Jelly crystals and water haha.
Like i said going out for mums birthday tomorrow so hoping to flush u=out my system before any crazy eating tomorrow, which hopefully i can control!!gahh
I read about this new diet on Pretty thin, which is like the ABC but takes into account of the weekends (in case your like me and have parents who watch what u eat etc) on the weekend days it tends to be around 650. It's only 30 days long, and on the last day you fast. I'm thinking of trying that if i get out of hand tomorrow- i might need something to put me back on track :P
Today I have eaten- half a banana, egg white omlette and a small thai chicken salad. Which sounds like a shit load of food to me, i still think its alot, i have a little twinge of guilt- but it came around 300 cals. Plus i did a gym workout, where i usually burn about 400 cals, so i spose it's okkkkkkkkkaaaaayyy. Anyways was meant to see the bf tonight, but he cancelled, things are not going well we are fighting all the time ( we have been togther for about 4 years) so i dunno what will end up happening, i gave him the 'fine the ball is in your court' msg and have not heard from him yet. eeep. Whatever, I mean as much as i do not want to loose him, and he says he does not at all wanna break up, i need to learn to be independant, cos i am a princess, and he does shit for me all the time.
Anyways..
xx

feeling good!!

hey guys,
so iv had a great weekend!! I have had no social life ha, stayed at home and studied and pretty much lived in Pretty thin!! (we love it)
And today I have eaten one banana and one apple and a long black, woo. I feel so empty which i love the feeling of, god how i missed this. I have to eat little amounts cos i know if i start binging i'll feel the need to vomit and get into mia again, which is not good, mia makes me crazy and i tend to have mini breakdowns. ha. Don't get me wrong i still do it ughh, alot of the time i cant help it, as soon as the idea gets into my head i go nuts!!!
gahhh!
So iv started documenting my journey in photos for myself too, it's funny i found some i took during the lowest and although thinner i still feel gross.

Iv pretty much stocked up on jelly too!! I have such a sweet tooth i need it!!
Oh and some great news, i have an audition coming up for a big pro musical!! gahhhhh so thin i must get!!
stay strong!!
xx

I'm Baaaaaack.

blah blah.
So it has been a couple of weeks right? Well my grandpa died :( Which has sucked. We were all really close to him, my poor nan, but she is being so strong.
So i have been very destructive and unhealthy lately- bingeing, purging, over eating, under eating blah. I just need to get control and get back on track.
Any ideas?
A detox?
I don't know.
Anyways off to uni i go today. It's a busy time ahead.
stay strong.xx