boys and bulimia

So the ex wants to get back together.. I knew this would happen. He has been saying all types of things like he will never stop loving me, he never did, he can't live without me in his life blah blah.

I told him I will not get back with him for a long time. I need to see that he is serious about this and us... and I don't wan't to rush back into things. I mean we have been together or breaking up for five years... I think I need time to find my independence. I still love him like crazy and he is my best friend so that's hard. Anyway I told him this and he says he will wait for as long as it takes. eeeep.

He knows I'm kissing other boys too...awkward.. I had a massive drunken cry to him on saturday night about my eating issues and how much I hate myself blah blah. He was lovely, and looked after me the whole night. We fucked. ooops. Oh well, I mean we aren't a thing and it was cool so whatever hahah.

In terms of diet- back to all my fucked up ways- bingeing, purging, attempting to eat normally and not care until I freak out again. ugh.

I guess I'm functioning atm but...

Christmas is so soon ! Fuck fuck fuck!!

No idea what to get my parents or brother.. it's his 18th on christmas day so I need two lots of presents!!!!!!!!

x

HOLIDAY

babes.

on holidays now.

I cannot wait to get into posting all the time again!!

So bulimia has been epic these last few weeks- epic as in. Bingeing is out of this world out of control, vomiting every day, every meal, I look puffy and sick! ugh!

Anyway. I managed to convince my mum that detoxing for ten days (fasting) would help to rejuvenate my vocal chords haha. She actually believed me. So as of thursday i'm fasting for ten days. woot. Cannot wait.

This ties in well, cos I have a party I want to be tiny for- ex nd old school friends will be there. ugh

Hope you are all well!

OMG HARRY POTTER TOMORROW!!!!

FNWUF;BWUIFGBUWRLBGWILBGWRLBFGIRLBFWIALBWARLI

fuck

Since I have been gone:

*b/p nearly every day again.

*discovered my neighbour, a girl who went to my school, who is a year younger then me is bulimic, she look's amazing but. Bitch haha. I wish we were friends.

*Gained i'm pretty fucking sure.

*been so fucking busy with shows and uni cbnhwiofbhilabfhilb

*debating what the fuck to do with my life next year. Since I graduate this year and all.

*getting tested for glandular (i think some of you may call it mono)- my immune system has gone to shit. Praying it's not glandular I don't have time to be bedridden!!!!!!

fuck fuck fuck fuck- my swearing is on high today haaaaaaa

miss you babes,

cannot wait till my life starts again so i can post more frequently.

Sorry Babes!!

So I know I have been a bit absent!

Well it's because my mum came home with this kitten the other day lol.

We haven't named him yet- any ideas??

But he has the funniest personality! Very curious, lots of energy and affectionate! He is fascinated by lap tops lol and always tries to get into bed with everyone (slut ;) ) haha

It does feel kinda early to get a new cat after Shadow, and I kinda cracked it at my mum. She explained that my brother (who is doing his final high school exams atm (vce)) needs something to gets his mind off things and help him relax- so if it helps him I'm happy!

Other then that I have been super busy at uni- rehearsals, photo shoots blah blah.

I'm going to weigh in tomorrow (friday)! Food wise I have been doing well, throwing up a bit again (ugh), and I gained after last weeks binge, so fucked up alot of my good work!! grrrr.

This weekend is a big one for australians- we have the football grand final lol. Which means lots of alcohol and bbq's and all kinds of scary food ha. Planning on eating a 'normal' diet calorie intake (1200). I figure if I do this, i might avoid a binge. Fingers crossed!!

Help me name my kitty!!!!!!!!

love u!!

xoxox

Results.

thanks for the comments guys!! I don't actually say mate in my every day speak, I'm probs giving my fellow aussies a bad name hahaha!!!

No he wasn't from bondi rescue, those guys are cute but.

I binged/purged massively this morning. I am out of control. I think a big reason is, I am extremely run down at the moment and tired, it seems to be what I turn to. But then again, anything makes me purge these days.

So weigh in.... eeeep..

Am currently 64.2kg ( bmi : 20.4) massive. I have gained in like two days.

Friday I was 63.1 (20.1).

At the start of the week I was 65.7 (20.9)

I guess at least I am not where I started last week. Still feeling terrible but.

According to that website I told you last week I should be 64.8, so at least I haven't surpassed that. Next weight should be 63.5.

Feeling so sluggish!!

I think I'll do what Glue + Pieces suggested and get my nails done, maybe fake nails might deter me!!

Ok So like i said, please be brutal, please tell me to keep going, do whatever!! Be as mean as you like! I need to hear it!!

So this is my why I need to be thinner (thus meaning stop purging) list:

• I can throw on anything and not feel self-conscious
• I will feel healthier
• I will have more confidence and be more outgoing.
• I will get more auditions.
• I will have control over SOMETHING in my life.
• I will have more money- money spent on binges can go on other things.
• I don't want to be the fat cousin.
• I will feel more attractive.
• I won't be called curvaceous.
• I will be happier (I WAS happier when I was at my thinnest).
• I will set a good example to my overweight mother.

If you can think of anything else, please add.

12.22 am

I don't want to be bulimic anymore. Can I just not today? Can it just be a matter of simple choice, like wearing these pants instead of those. Can it be a "shot-gun not"? Can I play the part of the anorexic instead of the bulimic now? Oh please cast me please!?

I want to be full of emptiness.

I don't want to be full-empty-full-empty-full-empty-full-empty.full.fat.

I don't. The only way I will stop this is if I don't eat. or die. The second sometimes seems easier.

I think about it. I wouldn't though.

What am I talking about here. Excuse me but my electrolytes are out of whack.

Maybe I'll be back in action tomorrow.

Agh tomorrow. a new day. also monday. Monday equals weigh in. Public humiliation.

Bring it on.

I need a beating.

I wonder If I would stop purging if I chopped my purge fingers off. Nah. I'd probably shove something else down there.

Upside:I had an amazing weekend. I kissed a boy. A life gaurd. That's so australian maaaaaaaate.

I'm fucked.

fuckmyballs

was going sooo well until...

I've been feeling sick again so i figured an early night would be wise- tonight my plan was this: gym, ab/butt work, bed with electric blanket, september issue and coco avant chanel on my lap top (in bed) and 45 calorie hot choc + 5 fat free marshmallows. Well-5 turned into the whole packet.

Thought fuck this, went and ate 6 biscuits washed down with a glass of milk.

Just purged everything. ughhhhhhhhh. I was doing so well, hadn't vomited in a while either. At least it wasn't a huge huge binge I suppose (for those thinking that's a pretty huge fucking binge..think again. I have known myself to have 6 pieces of toast, half a tub of ice cream, chocolate, lollies- anything you can think of in just one sitting). Anyways before that I had had 300 calories.

Oh god.

So I live at home right- which has it's positives and negatives- + save money. - not as much freedom.

Mother pays for my medical bills etc. She says to me today, oh I am booking you in to the dentist in a couple of weeks. fuck fuck fuck fuck noooooooooo.

Bulimic's worst nightmare... I haven't been to the dentist for a couple of years (shocking i know)- he never said anything then, but since then I have been gradually worse and worse with the rate in which I vomit. Ughh. Really concerned about splash patterns. Do not want to explain this again to my parents. Does anyone know about splash patterns and bulimia? How long they take to become apparent?

Regards to the ex- I texted back pretty bluntly along the lines of: "no. I have no photos. I'll be sure to remember your well wishes in three months time when my shows are actually on."

bitchy, but I could have been MUCH worse. 'tevs. He texted back and said "Thanks, wasn't sure just wanted to check. I'm really happy to be back home, had a great time in NZ but.xx"

ummm.

1: I never asked you about your trip/how it went etc etc.

2:Do not care.blah blah blah blah blah

3: "xx"...reallllllllyyyyyyy?

NOT REPLYING TO HIS MSG. I actually don't feel the need to. Plus I have enough clarity now that I know it is not good for me to do so.

Oh god. So Today one of my bi friends offered to have sex with me. Lol. I wouldn't just because I am not attracted to him in the slightest. But I just thought it was funny, offering himself- I must clearly look like i need some action. I asked him how he would get me into bed... his response was something like this: "I'd take you out, buy you lots of drinks. We would sneak off to the bathroom and do everything but sex, and when you are really wanting it I'll go call us a cab. We get in the cab have a nice chat and then i tell the driver to pull over and we have a go at it on the freeway."

lol nope. no thanks, he said that's how he gets the guys...

hahaha we had a good laugh about it. i.e- a nice chat in the cab?? lol, sex on the side of the freeway??

He got the drinks part right tho- I turn into a horny minx as soon as I 've had a few drinks.

But since we are on the topic, would you have sex with a guy who had been with guys before/who is bi? I haven't...not sureeeeeee if I would. But definitely no judging if you have/would.

Anyways off to finish watching The September Issue.

oh, and I live nearish chadstone! Toorak is beautiful!!

lol how all my posts have been sex related. Hope noone is offended :P

x

sooooo struggling right now. ughh

Hey Babes,

So I had such a good night. The hotel was so nice- amazing views of the city, modern furnishings, comfy beds. We got trashed before we went out on cheap champagne, cocktails and downed shots whilst we danced around getting ready. Didn't end up gambling just went out to some bars at the casino, then to a club for the after party!

So this is me pre wasted:


And during wasted:



lol so clearly a bit of a difference. As you can see, I'm still abit para about showing my face on here. I wish I wasn't, I want so much just to share everything with you girls. But maybe one day.

Anyways, I had a huge convo with one of my friends- recovering/functioning anorexic. It's funny comparing the way in which we deal with food- she is a strict restricter and I obviously binge/purge// eat/purge. Yesterday she ate like two snowpeas, two cans of sugar free energy drink and all that alcohol. So strong. Don't know how she does it. I guess the bulimic mentality is very different to the anorexic mentality but.

My intake today has been actually preposterous. lol. Not even the fact that I went for a walk/ did 8 minute abs/buns will help me. gahhhh.

I don't think I will ever be able to continually lose weight for a long time in the state I am in. And you can see by the pics that I aren't anywhere near 'small'. It only ever comes off when I learn how to control my purging. fuck fuck fuck. My life is summarised by the notion of "oh fuck it." I'll stuff, vomit, stuff vomit, restrict, stuff stuff stuff, vomit.

Any girls out there managed to successfully lessen the amount of times they purge?? Howwwwwwwwwww you magical creatures??????

So I didn't really mean for this to turn into a big complaining fest but oh well!!!

TOMORROW WIL BE BETTER.

Let's go all the way tonight!!!!

thanks to all you beautiful creatures for the lovely words!!

It went well, I was an ice queen with him- remained totally calm, mysterious and aloof. I think I looked pretty good too ;) :). Hopefully he was kicking himself. Strutted away from the car when he dropped me off (Beyonce- Diva was the theme song in my head lol) i was fierce, talk about female empowerment/girl power lol.

The night wasn't as crazy as I hoped, no meeting of any hot/nice boys, but it was fun none the less.

I had MULTIPLE hangover binges/purges over Sunday, so I've gained a tiny bit from that, but I'm not TOO concerned. Nothing a day of restricting can't fix.

Pretty excited for this week. A group of my friends and I are booking a swanky hotel at a casino in the city- planning on getting dressed up, getting drunk, going out clubbing, gambling, whatever other crazy stuff we feel like doing! And then bailing on uni the next day!

fingers crossed this is me on wednesday :P

Today:
double choc chip cookies: purged.
3 strawberries.

So it's 4.30 so still have the rest of the night to get through.

But feeling pretty chilled.

x

food boys food boys food boys.

I had a tough day today.. talked to the ex about getting my stuff back. Meeting up on sat night before I go out which means will be *fingers crossed* looking some what impressive lol. It was just hard because it was the first time that we actually talked about the night we broke up. He expressed that he felt bad after what happened- story is- we broke up outside my house at about ten at night, he was crying, i was crying, and he got in his car to drive off as he saw me walk in the opposite direction (not to my house). I ended up roaming the streets crying for a few hours ha. I of course was pissed he didn't follow me, but i mean I knew he wouldn't. Anyway he tells me he has become reclusive since breaking up and hasn't been going out or anything just working. I've been doing the opposite: off the rails. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. lol.

I guess just talking to him again makes me miss him, plus the fact that we are giving everything back finally gives us no other reason to need to see each other. So it's just slightly frightening and new to me.

Hopefully I'll meet some nice fellas on the weekend ;)

ENOUGH OF BOY RANTING............

I read Wintergirls for the first time a few days back. I enjoyed it. I probably related to Wasted a bit more but. Lia's inner battle was definitely something that I identified with.

"My traitor fingers want that fudge. No, they don’t. They want a seven layer bar and some of those weird muffins and those pretzels. No, they do not. They want to squish the marshmallows and stuff them into my mouth. They will not."

Just having those moments where you are so torn between stuffing your face; and, killing yourself because you are simply thinking of stuffing your face.

Anyways my intake has been good lately.
Today I binged and purged on pancakes in the morning. ooops. (thank god my sore throat is going)
And I have eaten one sushi roll.

Going out for dinner tomorrow (italian), really really want to avoid purging for just one day if I can. Will try and order something light.

xxx

Going Cold Turkey

This weekend my purging body has turned against me. This weekend it made me extra puffy. It made me break out. It made me even more ghostly pale than normal. It made me particularly irritable. It made me nearly consider seeing my doctor. But I snapped out of that idea almost as soon as it occurred to me. I'm not ready for that shit.
I went out on the weekend and ending up having a communal purge with a fellow bulimic. Gross. Weird. And we found ourselves drunkenly sharing tips. Sickos lol.

Haven't talked to the ex in nearly two weeks(since we broke up), that's the longest in four years. Actually Killing me. I am doing the worst things to get my mind off it-smoking, bingeing, purging, facebooking, drinking, kissing gay boys. (ughh haven't found a straight one to kiss yet- i guess that's what u get for doing theatre). I really just want to cry my eyes out about it, but the only time i've been able to cry was when I have been drunk lol.

Miss u girls..

Oh and I am attempting to not binge/purge till saturday. I know I will probably still find myself purging dinner but I'm going to try one thing at a time.

so aims for this week:
1: No bingeing> (putting a stop to the binge/purge)
2:minimal calories 500ish- mainly fruit/veg
3:exercise everyday
4:water water water
5:vitamins

hmmm anything else??
Ps- I got a new scale. It weighs two kilos heavier... I don't know what is correct oh fuck... Planning on using scale for kilos lost rather than current weight- as don't know what to believe.

x




xx

So I know i said I would fast today... but today i just don't have the willpower. failed already. Had a breakfast binge and have already purged. I swear i sped-ate everything, I was finished eating and purging in half an hour. Gosh i disgust myself.

Anyway, I lay awake last night and thought of all of the moments in my life where I had an 'issue' with my weight, I could not go to sleep. Here are a few which had stuck with me.

9 years old: My friend and I compared how much room we had left on the side of our chairs where our thighs were. She claimed to have won, I went home, cried and began a 'diet' of fruit smoothies lol. Interesting to note that she is AT LEAST ten kg fatter then me now.

11 years old: My then 'boyfriend' said that the boys from the other school said I was too skinny to be 'sexy'. I had a fight with him because he wouldn't tell me that I wasn't too skinny-he seemingly agreed with them. I KNEW that i wasn't too skinny, I thought i was fat for godsake. LOL

13 years old: I was walking down the street ahead of my parents in this new skirt I had gotten- tight around the butt and flared out from the mid thigh- and my mum called out from behind me and said "You're looking alot bigger around the hips these days, have you been sneaking food?" FYI- i had not been sneaking food, eating less because i was terrified of this thing called puberty which was giving me a butt.

14 years old: About to go out for lunch with the family. My parents were waiting for me in the car. I was trying on all these outfits in my wardrobe getting increasingly stressed because I thought EVERYTHING made me look fat. I began having something similar to a panic attack, crying and feeling dizzy because I was unable to breathe. Something clicked and I walked like a zombie to the bathroom, lifted up the toilet seat and shoved my fingers down my throat. Keep in mind I was always terrified of vomiting as a child, so it's quite funny really, from that moment i got over that fear. I was very naive about it back then- I mean trying to vomit breakfast two hours after eating it. Thank god I 'worked it out'. :P

From then on I would vomit meals, I don't really remember much about when i worked out I could binge and purge too. That all seems a bit hazy.

anyway... no uni today. home alone.................... :O

Have a good day babes
xx

Starving works...

it's tuesday! And I fasted all day!! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Currently high on starvation lol.
I feel great for not purging, don't get me wrong it has been on my mind ALL day. I have been out all day, away from food with only money to get around so not possible for me to eat anyways. I have done a gym workout, walked heaps and done at least 200 sit ups. YAYY go me... but seriously what is wrong with me...where is this motivation coming from???!!?!? haha. But we all know it wont be long before I'm spending my pay on planned binges/purges lol. sigh.

Last night I watched this movie- Elvis and Anabelle. Here is the wikipedia link- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elvis_and_Anabelle

But just quickly it stars- Blake Lively- massive babe!! and she is tall like me!!! She plays a beauty queen who suffers from bulimia. Has anyone seen it?


How is everyone going?

Love~
xx

whinge whinge whinge sook sook sook.

I went to bed last night, telling myself I would not purge in today, that I would eat healthily and keep it down.
Just had a huge fight with my boyfriend. We were supposed to see each other tonight, to talk things over. He organised plans with a friend instead, wasn't even going to tell me. I get the feeling he is just waiting for me to end it, I don't think he has the courage to. I'm scared. I'm so upset. I'm shaking. I've purged everything. I can't even cry. How do you end a four year relationship so quickly? I am honestly not the type to depend on boyfriends or anyone. I would rather suffer alone. But this guy is my best friend. How did it get so fucked up. He keeps hurting me but I just hanging on to him. I feel so pathetic.

I logged on here and promised I would try to avoid being over dramatic and depressed- surprisingly this is a toned down post. lol.

Darling Alice nominated me for A Blogger Addict Award, which honestly was so sweet of her <3, improved my mood too. I feel like I hardly deserve it, my posts are so disinteresting and I haven't been blogging for long. But I will accept it just the same! :)


i love
Marilyn Monroe. supermodels.ice cream.fake tan and bronzer.the 20's.perez hilton.amy adams.jazz singing.opp/vintage shopping. merryl streep.pringles.slurpies.green tea.film.film noir.day dreaming.animals.class and glamour.drunken moments.collecting underwear.disney.singalongs.Ellen degeneres.michael buble. chivalry. family. the name ava( it's not actually my name ps)dancing.cate blanchet.lollies.kisses.idina menzel.drunken singstar.the moment when i am on stage.personal jokes that everyone wants to be included in.realife movie moments.random photo sessions and photo whorage.reading. my cat.realising you love something.horror movies.weheartit.com. generosity.you girlies :)

i loath
cold days.cleaning my room.people who bag harry potter.rejection.failing.having nothing to do.fat days.being snowman pale.days when i don't go to the gym.neglect or cruelty to animals.swimwear shopping.'twihards'.upsetting people- terrified of being the cause of someones pain.my phone cap.people touching my feet.judgemental people.licorice.being so shy.people thinking i'm a bitch when i'm shy.voldermort.when the hosts of the view repeatedly talk over each other.no more harry potter.stephenie meyer having to have a cameo in twilight.rainy days.not 'making it' yet.being hung up on.

ps-very aware that i went overboard with the likes and dislikes lol
My nominations:
http://crumpetcancer.blogspot.com - Eva
http://thisisthecollapserightnow.blogspot.com - Sarah
http://escapevelocity-almost.blogspot.com/ - Jess
http://emryelle.blogspot.com/?zx=ecbc44638a82d9a9 - Emry
http://myoneheadlight.blogspot.com/?zx=164ff7d4caffd3f8 - pixiestix_014

Stay strong everyone!!! Sorry about the sook!! I'm gonna go watch a comedy or something now :P
xxxx

Motivated!

A pair of my new shoes :P
So yesterday I went shopping- either a motivator or a de motivator for me. This time DEFINITELY motivated me. You know those change rooms which have mirrors on every angle-SO YOU CAN'T ESCAPE YOUR REFLECTION??!! yes well that is what i experienced yesterday. GAH! Anyway besides from that little semi-terrifying experience of watching my fatty self change in and out of clothes, i managed to find 2 pairs of heels and a dress yay! Hey big spender!! ;)

Intake yesterday: Pad thai (purged)
Lol My mum tried to tell me that it was healthy... Is that some kind of sick joke mother????? It's like 6billion calories (pretty sure....) :P

Today i worked.....
Intake: lemon slice (purged)
otherwise nothing as yet...

So far it is 5pm. I'm about ready to go to a friends 21st. Wanting to get WASTED tonight.

ALSO i got back a short film i did about a year ago (I was probs 5 kg skinnier) and I looked sooooo much better on camera then I do now! Another motivator to keep going!!!

So Myself and another girl on Blogger Jess - http://escapevelocity-almost.blogspot.com/
will be doing a fast on Tuesday!! Yay anyone who wants to join in can- she has put up some good guidelines on this in one of her posts!! Check it Out!!!! ;)

xxx

Yesterday!

Went so well! A one hour walk in the morning- I'm not much of a runner sigh, but i power walk! :)
The fast went very well! I ate a plate of undressed salad (lettuce, tomato and cucumber) at lunch but I had planned on that anyway. So a bit of a wimpy fast-not my usual eat absolutely nothing water only rules. :P Oh well I feel emptier today, and SO much better for not purging/bingeing.
I worked for 8 hours dancing on a tv shoot so i got so much exercise in yesterday too, So I am feeling pretty pleased. Haven't had a chance to weigh myself- my mum confiscated the scales to her bathroom and she is currently home. I 'm sending subliminal messages to her from the other room- FUCKING LEAVE BITCH!
LOL
When I got home last night I saw that my Dad had brought my favourite bread and I immediately made a note that I would probably be purging half the loaf tomorrow. So now that I have woken up in crazy/possessed/must binge NOW mode and seen mum still here, I am kinda freaking out lol. So I've pretty much locked myself away from the kitchen to avoid vacuuming the whole pantry. That is until she leaves and I am home alone to binge and purge till my hearts content. Fucked? Yeah I figured that out a while ago!

So I am sad now that I have finished reading Wasted, god Marya writes well. My library doesn't have Wintergirls atm; anyone got any good ones to read?

So I worked out that Adriana Lima and I are the same height and I weigh about 10 kg more than her!!! Apparently she is 51kg (110 pounds??). What a babe. sigh.

Back to uni next week, I usually end up going one of two ways in times of stress and business- binge/purge even more violently or just forget to eat. I hope it's the latter!

xx

It's Dinner time.

What a waste of a day on my last week of holidays. Today I sat around on the net, or reading Wasted, or watching the Bachelor on tv. Very lazy day indeed.
I'm so surprised i have only had the one binge/purge sesh today- as soon as I woke up. I have been home alone for the whole day and somehow managed to control myself. It's 5.15pm here and dinner will be soon, but I'm not worried about that. I already know I will scoff down my meal and race to do the dishes (like a good daughter does-not because I want to but because they are more likely to let me race off to 'shower' straight after dinner).
It is there that I will turn on the water in the basin, turn on the water in the shower and turn on the fan (cos even the smallest amount of extra noise can muffle my gagging). It's always a race against time to vomit everything whilst the shower is still running, then to fit in a shower before my parents bang on the bathroom door that we are under water restrictions and that my 'shower' has been too long. I won't flush until I am out of the shower- what would they think if they hear the shower running and the toilet flush at the same time? It always shocks me when i stumble out of the shower, 'high' on purging, see my food glaring back at me from the toilet bowl. Flush Flush flush.

Intake so far:
45 calorie h/c

Yesterday was easily solved with the friends coming over. We ordered bbq chicken pizza. Purged but with slight difficulty- I was so excited to eat it I barely chewed, therefore found myself choking on whole pieces of chicken on the way up.

So as you can see, restricting never really agrees with me, I knew it wouldn't be long until I lapsed completely into purging every day again. On a plus note, i've lost at least a kilo in like a day and a half (3 pounds'ish??) So at least not back to my starting weight after my recent gains but hovering under 65.

Tomorrow i have decided to fast along with one of the girls whose blog I follow Jess-anyone on the earth.

Other than this i am feeling surprising good, not depressed or anything, in control and relatively calm. A little poor from my binges :P But satisfied.

bingepurgebingepurgefastbingerestrict.

So that is what I am doing right this second. Planned binge and purge. half an hour left till i hug the toilet bowl. Isn't that ironic, whilst reading a book from a recovering anorexic/bulimic.

Anyway so i have been so disordered lately. Eating nothing one day, bingeing and purging the next, eating 'normal' meals and purging every meal.

Friends are coming around tonight. Around 6.30pm. Meal time. How do I get out of this one. Brought lots of diet coke to help me purge whatever take out we get.

PLAN PLAN PLAN. That is all my life is at the moment.

Types of Purge cycles.

Ok So I have decided my types of purge categories. I figure if I work this out, maybe I can stop one before it even begins?

1: "Planned blowout" Binge and Purge- obviously this one isn't as spontaneous as others and is a fairly conscious decision lol. For example this one happens to me when I have restricting for ages and decide that this particular day next week I will pretty much eat my body weight in ice cream/lollies/chips/BREAD (Big issue for me there!!) that i have bought specifically for the binge. Haven't had one of these in a while thankfully(two weeks).

2: The "eraser".- i.e-dinner with friends/fam- pretty much self explanatory, Allows me to somewhat remain on track if I am restricting my intake.

3: The 'can't stop at one'-Eating something little then thinking 'oh another wont hurt' so I end up having another, then three more then five more, and then suddenly that turns into a spontaneous binge, where I decide to just eat anything in sight (the most random things mind you!!) and to purge.

So yeah? Any girls feel the same here?

I just had a number three this morning lol at breakfast.ugh. I found myself purging choc sprinkles.

miamiamiamiamiamiamiamia.

So I have been crazy with Mia lately. I wish I wouldnt binge and just simply restrict but i can't help it, it always takes over me- A doctor friend once told me that purging is pretty much worse than restricting, in terms of giving you a heart attack. Don't know how true this is, so don't take my word on it.
Anyways mia never leaves me. Mia is the only way I have control, and I dunno about you guys but straight after a purge I experience a wonderful high. Mia seems to of gotten me over my plateau too. Hmmm. It also allows me enough energy to exercise too.
lol I'm fucked. I wonder what randoms think when they come across these posts.
Anyways I signed up at the public library cos I want to borrow some e.d books, and don't want to have that on my uni library record lol.
How is everyone going?
Winning?
ps- any Harry Potter or Twilight fans?
Just saw the new Harry Potter trailer (OMG. but at the same time soooo sad for it to be over) and Twilight- although I am not a massive fan girl (no judging if you guys are) I have midnight tickets tomorrow night wooo.
lol
xx