Holidays!!!

Hey guys!

Merry xmas and a happy new year!!

I feel like I have so much to tell you!

First off hope you all had amazing christmases and that Santa brought you everything you want ;)

Just a little story for you-well you know how the ex is back on the scene trying to repair everything?? Well on christmas eve I get a knock on my bedroom window at about 1am. And it is him telling me he has a surprise for me. lol So i get a little angry, cos 1- he woke me up, and 2- we aren't dating so i don't want any surprises. Anyway he eventually convinces me to close my eyes and come outside.

So I get outside and my entire backyard is full of fairy lights and candles- EVERYWHERE. It honestly looked so magical and pretty. In the middle of the backyard he had put a pink rug with more candles surrounding it and a giant box. On top of the box was this long letter about how much he loves me and needs me in his life blah blah... The box had inside so much binge food lol- coconut mnm's, cookies and cream everything, lollies, coconut rough etc. ugh. A big Marilyn Monroe book, a Lady Gaga biography and a signed program from the Australian cast of Hairspray, including this personalised message from my idol who is in the show. So he did good. At the time I was angry- cos it's such a 'couply'/boyfriend/girlfriend thing to do.. but I'm getting over that and realising that it was a nice gesture.

Other news- I briefly tried 'recovering' for a few weeks but as usual that fails lol. And is especially hard during 'binge season' (festive season). ha

I am so excited because I am going to America this year- in June/july/august. I have never been and I am beside myself with pure excitement. My best friend has been studying in England for the past year so she decided to come back via America and I'm gonna meet her there!! Give me advice tell me what's amazing!!! :) Our big thing atm is that we are not to sure on where to spend the 4th of July. What's good?

Love you girls!

xx

boys and bulimia

So the ex wants to get back together.. I knew this would happen. He has been saying all types of things like he will never stop loving me, he never did, he can't live without me in his life blah blah.

I told him I will not get back with him for a long time. I need to see that he is serious about this and us... and I don't wan't to rush back into things. I mean we have been together or breaking up for five years... I think I need time to find my independence. I still love him like crazy and he is my best friend so that's hard. Anyway I told him this and he says he will wait for as long as it takes. eeeep.

He knows I'm kissing other boys too...awkward.. I had a massive drunken cry to him on saturday night about my eating issues and how much I hate myself blah blah. He was lovely, and looked after me the whole night. We fucked. ooops. Oh well, I mean we aren't a thing and it was cool so whatever hahah.

In terms of diet- back to all my fucked up ways- bingeing, purging, attempting to eat normally and not care until I freak out again. ugh.

I guess I'm functioning atm but...

Christmas is so soon ! Fuck fuck fuck!!

No idea what to get my parents or brother.. it's his 18th on christmas day so I need two lots of presents!!!!!!!!

x

Update and some pics

So the meeting with the ex went...okay. We said hi and that's it. Friends said he was staring at me the entire night...awkward lol. I stalked his facebook after (i de-friended him when we broke up lol) and he had written all these statuses being like "...is so so so stupid" and "hate that i miss you" etc... The only thing he said to me was when I was leaving, he came up to me told me I looked amazing and when I pretended i didn't hear he said I looked beautiful haha. Mission accomplished- get him kicking himself. He has since asked me for coffee and told me he misses me in his life- he hasn't said anything about getting back together but that's what it kinda sounds like. I won't take him back now. He has had too many chances.

In other news- had a terrible audition yesterday and proceeded to binge because i was so depressed :( fml. Will fast today and tomorrow.

Photos as promised!

This is what i wore on sat- kinda slutty, tight and showed alot of boobs but whatever

And yes I know I look fat still!!!!!!

My hair-

That was before- yes I know I am wearing a harry potter costume haha

and after- Not too blonde just some highlights.

xx

Day nine

ugh major period plateau! My weight has barely shifted in the last few days. All up I have lost 5 kg (11 pounds) now on the fast.
I should finish my period today/tomorrow so maybe magically I will drop a billion kilos haha.

Seeing the ex tomorrow. ughh I so don't want to... But I am hoping to come across to him as a strong amazon babe/unicorn who doesn't need him (even tho I'm a fucking nut case) hah.

A friend told me yesterday that there is supposedly some rule for how long you should let yourself 'get over someone'. You should allow as many months for the years you were together. So we were together for all up five years- so I should allow myself 5 months to be fully over it. I'm definitely nearly there, I don't get sad, or miss him anymore, I'm just a little bitter towards him. But hey, we were never going to be friends haha.

Hope you all have a good weekend! I believe it is Thanksgiving? Thank god we by pass that one down here!!

xx

Day Seven

So I got my period yesterday ughh, and i feel like i've bloated up so much! Lost 4 and a half kilos (9.9 pounds). I'm hoping that the slow weight loss is cos of that and not cos I've hit a plateau or anything! Do you girls struggle at that time of the month?

My lovely little brother told me I looked skinnier today :) <3>

I'm loving holidays right now, went to the beach last night, shopping today, sleep in's, sun baking, getting my hair done on saturday(i'll post a pic)!

Day Five

Just about to finish day 5 now!

Lost just over 3kg, I'm still huge ugh my bmi is still around 20, so there is no way I will start getting complacent and think about being easy on myself! I don't deserve to be 'treated'!! I have so much work to do! I want to be hard on myself, I think it's the only way I will end up getting what I want.

Went out with my 'hubby' (best gay friend) tonight to dinner- he got Pad Thai, I drank water. Oh god. Would absolutely love a noodle dish right about now...but resisting temptation.

I'm terrified that I will turn into a bingeing monster when the detox is over...MUST STAY STRONG AND FOCUSED.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qx8GCOdyUUM

My friend sent me this link today- it's of cute, skinny,indie looking male models- so if that's your thing- CLICK!

Some of them are cute!! Some of them are too boyish and not man enough for me haha

Goodnight!!

xoxo

Day four

Just woke up to day four!

Lost 2 and a half kg! yayyyy!!

I can't really notice anything yet but :S.... Hoping to lose another 6 by Saturday!

Yesterday was so hard, went out for dinner with friends- they had huge plates of noodles and honey chicken and bread- was definitely having fantasies about bingeing/purging that! ha.

Staying strong however.

this week my plan is to lounge around and sunbake, maybe go to the beach! I love summer so much!!!!!!

I'm gonna dye my hair this week too, thinking putting some blonde in, lightening it up for summer!! eeeeeeeee!!

Life is going well I think!!! :)

xoxox

day two

I went to The Australian Ballet Center today, just for an acting workshop. The girls. These ballerinas. Took my breath away. Gorgeous, petite and elegant. I just watched them walking down the halls in their leotards and sitting in the cafeteria. Kinda creepy. But i couldn't look away haha.

Day two lemon detox-

I've lost 500 grams but I'm sure thats just water weight, I won't be getting excited till it's a couple of kilos. I'm feeling good, but then again I haven't done anything strenuous. No gym for a couple of days but until I've adjusted properly!

Harry Potter. have you seen it? What did you think? I don't want to give it away in case anyone hasn't seen it yet. But I loved it so much. Cried twice, laughed and shat myself out of sheer fear!!! Some parts were terrifying! I like a good fright but :P

Have a good weekend babes!xx

Unicorn.

LOL

my mum freaked out. She thought that by fasting I meant fasting of junk food (which I have been vomiting up behind her back anyway). But no mum, fasting means nothing, zero, no food passing through these lips.

Anyway she freaked out. We managed to compromise- I'm gonna do the lemon detox(master cleanse). HAHA. I did it last year and it went pretty well. Lost 8kg in 9 days. Wow. Hoping to do that again!

I actually am scared of weighing myself, I'm assuming i may even be near my highest weight. ugh. This binge and purge cycle has been epically out of control. And have not been to the gym in weeks, my only exercise has been a walk sporadically and dance classes 2-3 times a week. Not good considering i used to be going to the gym every day. Sick joke.

disgusting.

I need help to get back on track!

My friends and I call amazing skinny girls unicorns- these girls are mythical creatures, who seem to have magical powers (of not eating and being babes) lol.

Need to get to unicorn status again.

help me girlies?

Detox begins tomorrow. I will give you all updates.

xoxox

HOLIDAY

babes.

on holidays now.

I cannot wait to get into posting all the time again!!

So bulimia has been epic these last few weeks- epic as in. Bingeing is out of this world out of control, vomiting every day, every meal, I look puffy and sick! ugh!

Anyway. I managed to convince my mum that detoxing for ten days (fasting) would help to rejuvenate my vocal chords haha. She actually believed me. So as of thursday i'm fasting for ten days. woot. Cannot wait.

This ties in well, cos I have a party I want to be tiny for- ex nd old school friends will be there. ugh

Hope you are all well!

OMG HARRY POTTER TOMORROW!!!!

FNWUF;BWUIFGBUWRLBGWILBGWRLBFGIRLBFWIALBWARLI

I haven't died.

I'm just real effin busy.

Did one show last week- A midsummer night's dream. This week I'm doing my own Cabaret. Closing night tomorrow night. Can't wait actually exhausted.

Have just been restricting- vomiting ruins my voice, alas fucked up this arvo- home alone- what else- Which meant tonight's show wasn't as good as i could have been! ugh

anyways.

Nothing to report, currently lying in bed watching the recent ep of gossip girl. All I will say is Chuck and Blair............................ :O

hahah

Hope some of you understand this!

xx

Complain, cos it's what I'm good at ha

I don't have mono. Which I am very very relieved about. This is kinda sick, but I was almost hoping I would have it so I could just stay in bed all day, not eating, being a hermit. Yes! Hit me that was terrible of me!!! EEEEEEEEEEEP

I'm still sick but, I've got a virus but I'll be ok. Worst time to be sick- exam season, show season, audition season etc etc.

I've got an audition for Love Never Dies next week, which is the worst timing- am so lucky to get an agent call for it, but I barely have a voice cos of my throat and blah blah blah. So I know it won't be the best audition. Never Mind! Everything happens for a reason i suppose.

I haven't vomited in two days. Ha which is pretty good. Sometimes I honestly just think I am never going to stop. I just can't. I'll probably die of it. Dramatic I know...but ugh. It's never ending.

Has anyone stopped for good?

Whilst I haven't been vomiting I've just been living off strawberries, tuna and mineral water.

HA this post is so typical of me, complain about throwing up, complain about mia, complaining about uni complain complain complain

Haven't complained about boys yet but....

Boys:

I NEED ACTION.

None of this hooking up bull shit. There is only so much satisfaction I can get out of something with batteries haha.

I think what i want is a little fling- a fuck buddy, who I can get lots of attention from and who will take me out... Ha sounds like a boyfriend almost...hmmmm It's just so hard to meet straight boys waaaaaaaaaaa

In other news the silly kitten knocked over detergent when I wasn't home and has gotten sick from it. He will be ok, but I think it was probably him just being a diva and cracking a spaz for me locking him in the laundry.

"Take this bitch, I'm gonna trash the place unless you let me out, hiss hiss"

Had fun reading your blogs tonight and catching up on your lives :)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

fuck

Since I have been gone:

*b/p nearly every day again.

*discovered my neighbour, a girl who went to my school, who is a year younger then me is bulimic, she look's amazing but. Bitch haha. I wish we were friends.

*Gained i'm pretty fucking sure.

*been so fucking busy with shows and uni cbnhwiofbhilabfhilb

*debating what the fuck to do with my life next year. Since I graduate this year and all.

*getting tested for glandular (i think some of you may call it mono)- my immune system has gone to shit. Praying it's not glandular I don't have time to be bedridden!!!!!!

fuck fuck fuck fuck- my swearing is on high today haaaaaaa

miss you babes,

cannot wait till my life starts again so i can post more frequently.

Hellooooooooooooo

blah been so fucking busy!!!! Pulling out my hair!! I've actually been so busy I have been forgetting to eat. I know. how does that happen??? To me of all people!!

Anyway I'm about 62 atm.

News:

*Met some beautiful boys in the weekend, they have been texting non stop!! fun fun fun!!

*the ex will be at the same 21st as me on november 27th- operation be a babe and make him jealous begins now

*the cat has a few names- Dobby, Toulouse, Bali. haha. Poor kitty having an identity crisis.

*going out for a massive house party tonight- miss house parties so much!!! Clubbing is fun but not the same haha

*grandfinal replay this weekend, more food fml.

*I graduate in like a month. wtf.

*I'm still vomiting.

miss you girls

xx

Sorry Babes!!

So I know I have been a bit absent!

Well it's because my mum came home with this kitten the other day lol.

We haven't named him yet- any ideas??

But he has the funniest personality! Very curious, lots of energy and affectionate! He is fascinated by lap tops lol and always tries to get into bed with everyone (slut ;) ) haha

It does feel kinda early to get a new cat after Shadow, and I kinda cracked it at my mum. She explained that my brother (who is doing his final high school exams atm (vce)) needs something to gets his mind off things and help him relax- so if it helps him I'm happy!

Other then that I have been super busy at uni- rehearsals, photo shoots blah blah.

I'm going to weigh in tomorrow (friday)! Food wise I have been doing well, throwing up a bit again (ugh), and I gained after last weeks binge, so fucked up alot of my good work!! grrrr.

This weekend is a big one for australians- we have the football grand final lol. Which means lots of alcohol and bbq's and all kinds of scary food ha. Planning on eating a 'normal' diet calorie intake (1200). I figure if I do this, i might avoid a binge. Fingers crossed!!

Help me name my kitty!!!!!!!!

love u!!

xoxox

The honeymoon never lasts long...

So today has been a huge fuck up! I knew it was only so long until id turn into a bingeing monster!!

It all started when it was raining and cold this morning- don't knock it- I starve/work out the best when the sun is shining!

I ate my strawberries for breakfast and then went mental. 5 pieces of bread, a turkish roll, biscuits, ice creams, block of chocolate etc etc.

Skipped class and stayed at home so I could vomit.

Did it all again this afternoon!

Gah.

Look I'm disappointed. But it would have been unrealistic of me to expect a smooth run. I figure one day isn't too bad considering I used to be b/p every day, multiple times. I will probably gain, but I'm hoping to lose it by water fasting tomorrow.

Although I feel like a mammoth right now, there is always tomorrow I suppose.

BooHoo.

62.8

This morning I weighed 62.8kg (bmi: 20).

Which is a hell of a surprise since I also got my period this morning. GAH.

A lovely surprise it was. Hmmmm.

Anyways Just thought I'd let you all know :) Hopefully I won't gain this week because of it!!

oh.

And.

NO BINGEING YESTERDAY! Well I had about 900 calories, but I didn't end up gaining which was great- I lost a bit yay!

Anyways off to the gym now, to work this freakin' period pain away!!!

HAHA. Lol.

Soooo....

I didn't binge yay! Got through the whole shift without fucking up. I used all your tips too lovelies so thank-you! I let myself have 80 cals worth of dark chocolate ( I figure it is slightly better then a big fuck off chocolate bar), so it brought my daily total to 520!

Weighed myself this morning (it's sunday- offish weigh in is tomorrow) And I am 63. YAY (138pounds, bmi: 20.1)

I doubt I'll lose much if any by tomorrow but oh well. Slow and Steady wins the race bitches!

Although it's not a lot I've lost .6 of a kilo since tuesday. (1.3 pounds) And I know I should be 62.2 kg tomorrow, but after my little not going to the toilet fiasco during the week I think I can forgive that haha. And i don't think my little schedule took into account bowel blockages lol.

I still have to get through today however and I am working this afternoon. I think it will be easier for me to resist temptation today, since I am not hungover, Sundays are usually "I want to crawl into a hole and die cos I'm so hungover" days. haha.

Sundays are also where my mother likes to pretend she is a right Martha Stewart and cook cakes and slices etc for 'the children's lunches'. FYI my brother is 17 and I am 20. Lol. Must resist this also.

I had a quiet night in last night, watched some of season one true blood, and had some laughs getting drunken texts from my friends. I'm saving my pennies (and liver) for next weekend- 3 21st birthdays in the one weekend, gah!!!!

This year has been the most expensive of my life.

Presents for all my friends turning 21!!!! Free bar tabs are fun but ;) :P

Hope your weekends are going splendidly!!

Love you all!!!!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Great News.

So I went to the toilet ha.

This morning. Great news right??? It wasn't that big, but fairly good size I think.

hahah stfu Ava?

Anyway I read on the internet about how vitamin c is really good for regular 'movements', so i simply took some before I went to bed and what do you know!? Went this morning! I figured I'd try it first before i have a small binge/up my cal intake. Mainly because (it's a bit OCD) But i know as soon as I up my intake it's very probable that i would freak out-think 'oh what the fuck' and binge and purge.

Speaking of Binges.

I am dying here. I have had so many cravings to just eat crap lately (this week- perhaps getting my rags (do any of you call it that, is or it an australian thing lol?))- mainly coconut rough and white chocolate raspberry bullets, and maybe some bread. I nearly fucked up today- got home from uni early home alone, and there was fresh bread, chocolate and icecream.

I JUST managed to resist, had a cup of green tea and locked myself in my room haha.

I don't know how much longer I can go on. My bulimic self is not used to so much restricting!!!! Considering a planned binge/purge tomorrow???????!?!!?!??! eeeeeeeep. I can see myself slipping up majorly!!!

Anyways tomorrow I'm working 9-5 (Did I ever mention that I work in a cafe on weekends?). I know wtf right. This means:

Coffee, hot chocolate, cheesecake, mudcake, moussecake, eclairs, vanilla slices, caramel slices, biscuits, rockey road.

Pretty much a binge eaters wet dream right here.

It is so easy for me to just grab something and eat on the job. MUST FUCKING RESIST.

Haven't managed to weigh myself yet either so not sure if the toilet stop helped. haha.

Thank-you for all your suggestions and well wishing for me to go to the toilet. HAHAHAH. I feel like I'm a two year old ahahahhaha.

What should I do about my binge urges?????

Plateau. Again.

Majorly plateauing! WTF!

I have been the same weight since monday. It's thursday!! And I have been doing so well!!!! Exercising every day, drinking heaps of water, low calorie intake- but not the same every day and it won't budge!!! What am I doing wrong????

It may have something to do with the fact that I haven't been to the toilet in nearly a week (gross i know)!!!!!!!

Other then that NOTHING has been going on. Lame I know, just the usual uni, rehearsals etc etc.

The sun started coming through my window yesterday, which reminds me SUMMER is approaching, which excites me and scares me.... BIKINI'S!!!!!!!

My Window.

Jets bikini- love this brand. That and Seafolly. http://www.seafolly.com/australia - Jessica Hart models alot of Seafolly, she is amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing.

So yeah, only news is that I am terrified i won't be at next goal weight on monday!!

What helps you lovelies get over a plateau? For me, if I've been restricting for ages...it is usually a small binge (gah!!!!!!!)

Love reading your blogs, it has become like my fave hobby now. Get home from uni, get my mac, lounge around and read about YOUR LIVES! weeeeeeeeeeeeee