Holidays!!!

Hey guys!

Merry xmas and a happy new year!!

I feel like I have so much to tell you!

First off hope you all had amazing christmases and that Santa brought you everything you want ;)

Just a little story for you-well you know how the ex is back on the scene trying to repair everything?? Well on christmas eve I get a knock on my bedroom window at about 1am. And it is him telling me he has a surprise for me. lol So i get a little angry, cos 1- he woke me up, and 2- we aren't dating so i don't want any surprises. Anyway he eventually convinces me to close my eyes and come outside.

So I get outside and my entire backyard is full of fairy lights and candles- EVERYWHERE. It honestly looked so magical and pretty. In the middle of the backyard he had put a pink rug with more candles surrounding it and a giant box. On top of the box was this long letter about how much he loves me and needs me in his life blah blah... The box had inside so much binge food lol- coconut mnm's, cookies and cream everything, lollies, coconut rough etc. ugh. A big Marilyn Monroe book, a Lady Gaga biography and a signed program from the Australian cast of Hairspray, including this personalised message from my idol who is in the show. So he did good. At the time I was angry- cos it's such a 'couply'/boyfriend/girlfriend thing to do.. but I'm getting over that and realising that it was a nice gesture.

Other news- I briefly tried 'recovering' for a few weeks but as usual that fails lol. And is especially hard during 'binge season' (festive season). ha

I am so excited because I am going to America this year- in June/july/august. I have never been and I am beside myself with pure excitement. My best friend has been studying in England for the past year so she decided to come back via America and I'm gonna meet her there!! Give me advice tell me what's amazing!!! :) Our big thing atm is that we are not to sure on where to spend the 4th of July. What's good?

Love you girls!

xx

boys and bulimia

So the ex wants to get back together.. I knew this would happen. He has been saying all types of things like he will never stop loving me, he never did, he can't live without me in his life blah blah.

I told him I will not get back with him for a long time. I need to see that he is serious about this and us... and I don't wan't to rush back into things. I mean we have been together or breaking up for five years... I think I need time to find my independence. I still love him like crazy and he is my best friend so that's hard. Anyway I told him this and he says he will wait for as long as it takes. eeeep.

He knows I'm kissing other boys too...awkward.. I had a massive drunken cry to him on saturday night about my eating issues and how much I hate myself blah blah. He was lovely, and looked after me the whole night. We fucked. ooops. Oh well, I mean we aren't a thing and it was cool so whatever hahah.

In terms of diet- back to all my fucked up ways- bingeing, purging, attempting to eat normally and not care until I freak out again. ugh.

I guess I'm functioning atm but...

Christmas is so soon ! Fuck fuck fuck!!

No idea what to get my parents or brother.. it's his 18th on christmas day so I need two lots of presents!!!!!!!!

x

Update and some pics

So the meeting with the ex went...okay. We said hi and that's it. Friends said he was staring at me the entire night...awkward lol. I stalked his facebook after (i de-friended him when we broke up lol) and he had written all these statuses being like "...is so so so stupid" and "hate that i miss you" etc... The only thing he said to me was when I was leaving, he came up to me told me I looked amazing and when I pretended i didn't hear he said I looked beautiful haha. Mission accomplished- get him kicking himself. He has since asked me for coffee and told me he misses me in his life- he hasn't said anything about getting back together but that's what it kinda sounds like. I won't take him back now. He has had too many chances.

In other news- had a terrible audition yesterday and proceeded to binge because i was so depressed :( fml. Will fast today and tomorrow.

Photos as promised!

This is what i wore on sat- kinda slutty, tight and showed alot of boobs but whatever

And yes I know I look fat still!!!!!!

My hair-

That was before- yes I know I am wearing a harry potter costume haha

and after- Not too blonde just some highlights.

xx

Day nine

ugh major period plateau! My weight has barely shifted in the last few days. All up I have lost 5 kg (11 pounds) now on the fast.
I should finish my period today/tomorrow so maybe magically I will drop a billion kilos haha.

Seeing the ex tomorrow. ughh I so don't want to... But I am hoping to come across to him as a strong amazon babe/unicorn who doesn't need him (even tho I'm a fucking nut case) hah.

A friend told me yesterday that there is supposedly some rule for how long you should let yourself 'get over someone'. You should allow as many months for the years you were together. So we were together for all up five years- so I should allow myself 5 months to be fully over it. I'm definitely nearly there, I don't get sad, or miss him anymore, I'm just a little bitter towards him. But hey, we were never going to be friends haha.

Hope you all have a good weekend! I believe it is Thanksgiving? Thank god we by pass that one down here!!

xx

Hellooooooooooooo

blah been so fucking busy!!!! Pulling out my hair!! I've actually been so busy I have been forgetting to eat. I know. how does that happen??? To me of all people!!

Anyway I'm about 62 atm.

News:

*Met some beautiful boys in the weekend, they have been texting non stop!! fun fun fun!!

*the ex will be at the same 21st as me on november 27th- operation be a babe and make him jealous begins now

*the cat has a few names- Dobby, Toulouse, Bali. haha. Poor kitty having an identity crisis.

*going out for a massive house party tonight- miss house parties so much!!! Clubbing is fun but not the same haha

*grandfinal replay this weekend, more food fml.

*I graduate in like a month. wtf.

*I'm still vomiting.

miss you girls

xx

i heart water & pepsi max

In bed. 11.30pm. Fasting complete. Thank god sleep is near cos I am about ready to chew my hand off. I have survived with a ton of water and pepsi max. I am finding that I am semi-curing my cravings by surfing foodporndaily.com and thisiswhyyouarefat.com. Weird. I am being plagued by evil binge thoughts... I just want some bread.....and ice cream........and cake... and chocolate.and pastacheeseicingpizzanoodleslollieschipsbiscuitsdiqbfeibfhrewobhe.

THIS POSSIBLY COULD HAVE BEEN ME TODAY.

So the ex texts me today out the blue. It's been pretty much two weeks since I last spoke to him.

"Hey, random q just wondering if you have any x rated pics of me still on your phone? Hope your shows went well. xx"

ummm.wtf. this is what I am thinking..

1: YOU HAVE ALL THE PHOTOS OF ME. THERE R NONE OF U. DO NOT RELEASE/PLEASE DELETE THE PHOTOS OF ME. I DO NOT WANT TO BE THE NEXT VANESSA HUDGENS.

2:YOU KNOW THIS. YOU ARE CLEARLY MAKING UP A REASON TO TEXT ME.

3:IF U PAID ANY ATTENTION TO MY LIFE YOU WOULD KNOW MY SHOWS AREN'T ON TILL OCTOBER.

4: "XX???????" EFF YOU.

I'm lucky I didn't eat the entire university cafe after that little drama.

bah. Just when things start getting clearer he fucking pops up and brings me back down again.

Anyways I'm actually in a happier mood then I was before (believe it or not).

Weekend is shaping up to be fun- bestie from Sydney is coming down for the weekend to party it up!!

How did all you girls go with your fasting/days in general?

xx

Let's go all the way tonight!!!!

thanks to all you beautiful creatures for the lovely words!!

It went well, I was an ice queen with him- remained totally calm, mysterious and aloof. I think I looked pretty good too ;) :). Hopefully he was kicking himself. Strutted away from the car when he dropped me off (Beyonce- Diva was the theme song in my head lol) i was fierce, talk about female empowerment/girl power lol.

The night wasn't as crazy as I hoped, no meeting of any hot/nice boys, but it was fun none the less.

I had MULTIPLE hangover binges/purges over Sunday, so I've gained a tiny bit from that, but I'm not TOO concerned. Nothing a day of restricting can't fix.

Pretty excited for this week. A group of my friends and I are booking a swanky hotel at a casino in the city- planning on getting dressed up, getting drunk, going out clubbing, gambling, whatever other crazy stuff we feel like doing! And then bailing on uni the next day!

fingers crossed this is me on wednesday :P

Today:
double choc chip cookies: purged.
3 strawberries.

So it's 4.30 so still have the rest of the night to get through.

But feeling pretty chilled.

x

food boys food boys food boys.

I had a tough day today.. talked to the ex about getting my stuff back. Meeting up on sat night before I go out which means will be *fingers crossed* looking some what impressive lol. It was just hard because it was the first time that we actually talked about the night we broke up. He expressed that he felt bad after what happened- story is- we broke up outside my house at about ten at night, he was crying, i was crying, and he got in his car to drive off as he saw me walk in the opposite direction (not to my house). I ended up roaming the streets crying for a few hours ha. I of course was pissed he didn't follow me, but i mean I knew he wouldn't. Anyway he tells me he has become reclusive since breaking up and hasn't been going out or anything just working. I've been doing the opposite: off the rails. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. lol.

I guess just talking to him again makes me miss him, plus the fact that we are giving everything back finally gives us no other reason to need to see each other. So it's just slightly frightening and new to me.

Hopefully I'll meet some nice fellas on the weekend ;)

ENOUGH OF BOY RANTING............

I read Wintergirls for the first time a few days back. I enjoyed it. I probably related to Wasted a bit more but. Lia's inner battle was definitely something that I identified with.

"My traitor fingers want that fudge. No, they don’t. They want a seven layer bar and some of those weird muffins and those pretzels. No, they do not. They want to squish the marshmallows and stuff them into my mouth. They will not."

Just having those moments where you are so torn between stuffing your face; and, killing yourself because you are simply thinking of stuffing your face.

Anyways my intake has been good lately.
Today I binged and purged on pancakes in the morning. ooops. (thank god my sore throat is going)
And I have eaten one sushi roll.

Going out for dinner tomorrow (italian), really really want to avoid purging for just one day if I can. Will try and order something light.

xxx

A Miracle?

No kidding you I have lost two kilos in two days.. I don't even know how this happened, i guess the fact that I didn't binge is good. So this is what I ate yesterday:
B: 2 egg whites with a bit of pepper and sauce and a tomato
L: 2 rice thins
D: Satay Chicken wrap (ashamed to say partially purged)

*And heaps of water throughout the day
*Went to the gym both days and half hour walk (so nothing too strenuous)

Perhaps the fact that i am actually absorbing food lol and not throwing up everything? And that I am spacing it out to get my metabolism running?

My timetable at uni is starting to get busier which means I'll be with the same group of people for the whole day. Which in turn means friends will be watching me like hawks lol.

I texted the ex (i nearly said bf then..habit :( ) He still has so much stuff of mine, clothes shoes- shit I want back.

I have a box of our cards and movie tickets and all that shit that I will probably burn in the fire. LOL

Going Cold Turkey

This weekend my purging body has turned against me. This weekend it made me extra puffy. It made me break out. It made me even more ghostly pale than normal. It made me particularly irritable. It made me nearly consider seeing my doctor. But I snapped out of that idea almost as soon as it occurred to me. I'm not ready for that shit.
I went out on the weekend and ending up having a communal purge with a fellow bulimic. Gross. Weird. And we found ourselves drunkenly sharing tips. Sickos lol.

Haven't talked to the ex in nearly two weeks(since we broke up), that's the longest in four years. Actually Killing me. I am doing the worst things to get my mind off it-smoking, bingeing, purging, facebooking, drinking, kissing gay boys. (ughh haven't found a straight one to kiss yet- i guess that's what u get for doing theatre). I really just want to cry my eyes out about it, but the only time i've been able to cry was when I have been drunk lol.

Miss u girls..

Oh and I am attempting to not binge/purge till saturday. I know I will probably still find myself purging dinner but I'm going to try one thing at a time.

so aims for this week:
1: No bingeing> (putting a stop to the binge/purge)
2:minimal calories 500ish- mainly fruit/veg
3:exercise everyday
4:water water water
5:vitamins

hmmm anything else??
Ps- I got a new scale. It weighs two kilos heavier... I don't know what is correct oh fuck... Planning on using scale for kilos lost rather than current weight- as don't know what to believe.

x




xx

scared..

just had one of the worst grey outs i've had in ages. I'm pretty much used to it cos I'm anaemic...but still scary...purging is getting worse...
sitting on the couch sipping vegetable soup. So dehydrated..need need need to keep this soup down, it was the reason I purged before in the first place. I'm back to not even keeping vegetables down.
Sometimes i manage to laugh at myself at how fucked up I am, I can even have a little chuckle on the way to the toilet, "Here we go again, ha ha ha." But I am not taking care of myself at all. This week has been worse then ever with the break up. Knew I'd fall to pieces.

Sex and the City is on tv. making me more depressed.

I wish I could just take a day off.... from everything...

In other news.. Saw Inception.
Blew my fucking mind.
dream within dreams within another dream gahhhh