boys and bulimia

So the ex wants to get back together.. I knew this would happen. He has been saying all types of things like he will never stop loving me, he never did, he can't live without me in his life blah blah.

I told him I will not get back with him for a long time. I need to see that he is serious about this and us... and I don't wan't to rush back into things. I mean we have been together or breaking up for five years... I think I need time to find my independence. I still love him like crazy and he is my best friend so that's hard. Anyway I told him this and he says he will wait for as long as it takes. eeeep.

He knows I'm kissing other boys too...awkward.. I had a massive drunken cry to him on saturday night about my eating issues and how much I hate myself blah blah. He was lovely, and looked after me the whole night. We fucked. ooops. Oh well, I mean we aren't a thing and it was cool so whatever hahah.

In terms of diet- back to all my fucked up ways- bingeing, purging, attempting to eat normally and not care until I freak out again. ugh.

I guess I'm functioning atm but...

Christmas is so soon ! Fuck fuck fuck!!

No idea what to get my parents or brother.. it's his 18th on christmas day so I need two lots of presents!!!!!!!!

x

HOLIDAY

babes.

on holidays now.

I cannot wait to get into posting all the time again!!

So bulimia has been epic these last few weeks- epic as in. Bingeing is out of this world out of control, vomiting every day, every meal, I look puffy and sick! ugh!

Anyway. I managed to convince my mum that detoxing for ten days (fasting) would help to rejuvenate my vocal chords haha. She actually believed me. So as of thursday i'm fasting for ten days. woot. Cannot wait.

This ties in well, cos I have a party I want to be tiny for- ex nd old school friends will be there. ugh

Hope you are all well!

OMG HARRY POTTER TOMORROW!!!!

FNWUF;BWUIFGBUWRLBGWILBGWRLBFGIRLBFWIALBWARLI

Update on skinny reasons!

I fasted today cos I was feeling sick again so that worked well cos I have no appetite at all. I think I'll have to go to the doctors, pretty sure I have got a virus.

Today I was so lazy.

I:

woke up at 10.30 am.

Watched Coco Avant Chanel.

Had a four hour nap.

Made a Tumblr.

So thanks to all your input I have put together 20 reasons for us to keep on track to reach our goals! Feel free to steal, add your own, change whatever. I'm going to print it out and stick it on my wall. :)

1. I can throw on anything and not feel self-conscious.

2. I will feel healthier.

3. I will have more confidence and be more outgoing.

4. I will have control over something in my life.

5. I will have more money- money previously spent on binges can go on other things.

6. I will not be the fat cousin/sister/friend/girlfriend.

7. I will feel more attractive.

8. I will receive more compliments.

9. I won't be called curvaceous.

10. I will be happier.

11. I will set a good example to those overweight.

12. I will be the envy of everyone.

13. Guys and girl will check me out.

14. I will feel sexy and be more confident and wild during sex.

15. I will look and feel amazing in a bikini.

16. Guys can easily lift me up.

17. I will not have to worry about sizes.

18. It will take less time to shower/rub lotion in/shave etc if my body is smaller.

19. I will accomplish something that almost everyone else fails at.

20. If I can do this, then I can do anything.

Hope you are all well! Taking my beloved lap top to bed to watch Gossip Girl :)

i heart water & pepsi max

In bed. 11.30pm. Fasting complete. Thank god sleep is near cos I am about ready to chew my hand off. I have survived with a ton of water and pepsi max. I am finding that I am semi-curing my cravings by surfing foodporndaily.com and thisiswhyyouarefat.com. Weird. I am being plagued by evil binge thoughts... I just want some bread.....and ice cream........and cake... and chocolate.and pastacheeseicingpizzanoodleslollieschipsbiscuitsdiqbfeibfhrewobhe.

THIS POSSIBLY COULD HAVE BEEN ME TODAY.

So the ex texts me today out the blue. It's been pretty much two weeks since I last spoke to him.

"Hey, random q just wondering if you have any x rated pics of me still on your phone? Hope your shows went well. xx"

ummm.wtf. this is what I am thinking..

1: YOU HAVE ALL THE PHOTOS OF ME. THERE R NONE OF U. DO NOT RELEASE/PLEASE DELETE THE PHOTOS OF ME. I DO NOT WANT TO BE THE NEXT VANESSA HUDGENS.

2:YOU KNOW THIS. YOU ARE CLEARLY MAKING UP A REASON TO TEXT ME.

3:IF U PAID ANY ATTENTION TO MY LIFE YOU WOULD KNOW MY SHOWS AREN'T ON TILL OCTOBER.

4: "XX???????" EFF YOU.

I'm lucky I didn't eat the entire university cafe after that little drama.

bah. Just when things start getting clearer he fucking pops up and brings me back down again.

Anyways I'm actually in a happier mood then I was before (believe it or not).

Weekend is shaping up to be fun- bestie from Sydney is coming down for the weekend to party it up!!

How did all you girls go with your fasting/days in general?

xx

Quickie (not the sexual variety...)

Such a long day at uni. Rehearsals went on forever, just getting home now (10.45 pm). Quick Post then I need to sleep.

Fasting tomorrow!!!

Rules for myself:

*No food.

*heaps of water.

*daily vitamins.

*any zero calorie soft drink.

Anyone who wants to join can, these are my rules for tomorrow! Feel free to do it however you like- water only/ some fruit/vegies/ etc etc- Whatever works for your body- we are all different remember! :)

Intake today: No vomiting wooooo- have not even had time/a chance to binge/ have a proper meal so that's why. Probs would have if I was at home alone and not at uni.

2 pepsi maxes

half a serving of vegie cous-cous- about 150-200

shit load of water

ok bed.

night girls. Remember to post how you go if you are fasting :)

x

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Pixiestix is back! Yayyyyy I have missed her blogging!! In answer to the question about singing: I have sung, acted all my life, I got an agent a few years back so I have gotten a fair bit of professional work now, which is great :)

I am going to fast this thursday! Who ever wants to join can!! I think i'll change the day i fast every week, just to keep it interesting. Feeling motivated by the public humiliation. Seriously you girls keep me in check haha. Whoever wants to do this can, we can start our own little routine ;)

Also reading a post on PrettyThin and was excited by this website: http://losertown.org/eats/cal.php
It tells you week by week what your weight would be depending on your exercise/calorie limit. Judging by this, If I continue to exercise 3-5 times a week and eat 800 cals, I'll be down to my tentative goal weight of 50kg(bmi 16) as opposed to current 21 (bleurgh) by November. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. I thought 800 cals was more than reasonable, I wouldn't eat that every day but I guess it allows for any fuck ups.

I haven't vomited/binged all day. I've had about 400 calories, been to the gym and done 8 minute abs and buns.

Still no sign of the sex drought ending... haha. I have potentials (guys showing interest) but I'm being picky, they just don't get me excited below the belt lawl!!!!! Plus they are being too keen. And I hate that. I like some mystery.
I had a sex dream the other night about the guy in the Katy Perry- teenage dream film clip. hahah the closest i am getting to the peen atm is in my dreams.
This is him if you don't know what I am talking about:




But seriously girls, we can do this!!!! We can be what we all dream of being. And we are going to do it together.

LAME.

HAHA.
But seriously :P

xx

So I know i said I would fast today... but today i just don't have the willpower. failed already. Had a breakfast binge and have already purged. I swear i sped-ate everything, I was finished eating and purging in half an hour. Gosh i disgust myself.

Anyway, I lay awake last night and thought of all of the moments in my life where I had an 'issue' with my weight, I could not go to sleep. Here are a few which had stuck with me.

9 years old: My friend and I compared how much room we had left on the side of our chairs where our thighs were. She claimed to have won, I went home, cried and began a 'diet' of fruit smoothies lol. Interesting to note that she is AT LEAST ten kg fatter then me now.

11 years old: My then 'boyfriend' said that the boys from the other school said I was too skinny to be 'sexy'. I had a fight with him because he wouldn't tell me that I wasn't too skinny-he seemingly agreed with them. I KNEW that i wasn't too skinny, I thought i was fat for godsake. LOL

13 years old: I was walking down the street ahead of my parents in this new skirt I had gotten- tight around the butt and flared out from the mid thigh- and my mum called out from behind me and said "You're looking alot bigger around the hips these days, have you been sneaking food?" FYI- i had not been sneaking food, eating less because i was terrified of this thing called puberty which was giving me a butt.

14 years old: About to go out for lunch with the family. My parents were waiting for me in the car. I was trying on all these outfits in my wardrobe getting increasingly stressed because I thought EVERYTHING made me look fat. I began having something similar to a panic attack, crying and feeling dizzy because I was unable to breathe. Something clicked and I walked like a zombie to the bathroom, lifted up the toilet seat and shoved my fingers down my throat. Keep in mind I was always terrified of vomiting as a child, so it's quite funny really, from that moment i got over that fear. I was very naive about it back then- I mean trying to vomit breakfast two hours after eating it. Thank god I 'worked it out'. :P

From then on I would vomit meals, I don't really remember much about when i worked out I could binge and purge too. That all seems a bit hazy.

anyway... no uni today. home alone.................... :O

Have a good day babes
xx

fatty fat fat fat

I have been so fat yesterday and today, pretty sure I would have gained. ughh.
Planning on fasting for two days to lose the mountain of weight i have put on.
Got so drunk on the weekend, I did not even make it to the club..lol. what a joke I am. Friends found me vomiting pizza....tried to lie...don't know what they believe now. The found scars on my knuckles on my right hand... pretty much says it all...

so yes NOT EATING FOR TWO DAYS... AT LEAST... i am so ashamed that i could throw everything away in two days.... I was losing really well.

Hating break up life... i swear to god- "riding solo" and "single ladies" are stalking me everywhere i go... ugh


miss you all!!!!
xx

Starving works...

it's tuesday! And I fasted all day!! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Currently high on starvation lol.
I feel great for not purging, don't get me wrong it has been on my mind ALL day. I have been out all day, away from food with only money to get around so not possible for me to eat anyways. I have done a gym workout, walked heaps and done at least 200 sit ups. YAYY go me... but seriously what is wrong with me...where is this motivation coming from???!!?!? haha. But we all know it wont be long before I'm spending my pay on planned binges/purges lol. sigh.

Last night I watched this movie- Elvis and Anabelle. Here is the wikipedia link- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elvis_and_Anabelle

But just quickly it stars- Blake Lively- massive babe!! and she is tall like me!!! She plays a beauty queen who suffers from bulimia. Has anyone seen it?


How is everyone going?

Love~
xx

Motivated!

A pair of my new shoes :P
So yesterday I went shopping- either a motivator or a de motivator for me. This time DEFINITELY motivated me. You know those change rooms which have mirrors on every angle-SO YOU CAN'T ESCAPE YOUR REFLECTION??!! yes well that is what i experienced yesterday. GAH! Anyway besides from that little semi-terrifying experience of watching my fatty self change in and out of clothes, i managed to find 2 pairs of heels and a dress yay! Hey big spender!! ;)

Intake yesterday: Pad thai (purged)
Lol My mum tried to tell me that it was healthy... Is that some kind of sick joke mother????? It's like 6billion calories (pretty sure....) :P

Today i worked.....
Intake: lemon slice (purged)
otherwise nothing as yet...

So far it is 5pm. I'm about ready to go to a friends 21st. Wanting to get WASTED tonight.

ALSO i got back a short film i did about a year ago (I was probs 5 kg skinnier) and I looked sooooo much better on camera then I do now! Another motivator to keep going!!!

So Myself and another girl on Blogger Jess - http://escapevelocity-almost.blogspot.com/
will be doing a fast on Tuesday!! Yay anyone who wants to join in can- she has put up some good guidelines on this in one of her posts!! Check it Out!!!! ;)

xxx

Yesterday!

Went so well! A one hour walk in the morning- I'm not much of a runner sigh, but i power walk! :)
The fast went very well! I ate a plate of undressed salad (lettuce, tomato and cucumber) at lunch but I had planned on that anyway. So a bit of a wimpy fast-not my usual eat absolutely nothing water only rules. :P Oh well I feel emptier today, and SO much better for not purging/bingeing.
I worked for 8 hours dancing on a tv shoot so i got so much exercise in yesterday too, So I am feeling pretty pleased. Haven't had a chance to weigh myself- my mum confiscated the scales to her bathroom and she is currently home. I 'm sending subliminal messages to her from the other room- FUCKING LEAVE BITCH!
LOL
When I got home last night I saw that my Dad had brought my favourite bread and I immediately made a note that I would probably be purging half the loaf tomorrow. So now that I have woken up in crazy/possessed/must binge NOW mode and seen mum still here, I am kinda freaking out lol. So I've pretty much locked myself away from the kitchen to avoid vacuuming the whole pantry. That is until she leaves and I am home alone to binge and purge till my hearts content. Fucked? Yeah I figured that out a while ago!

So I am sad now that I have finished reading Wasted, god Marya writes well. My library doesn't have Wintergirls atm; anyone got any good ones to read?

So I worked out that Adriana Lima and I are the same height and I weigh about 10 kg more than her!!! Apparently she is 51kg (110 pounds??). What a babe. sigh.

Back to uni next week, I usually end up going one of two ways in times of stress and business- binge/purge even more violently or just forget to eat. I hope it's the latter!

xx

It's Dinner time.

What a waste of a day on my last week of holidays. Today I sat around on the net, or reading Wasted, or watching the Bachelor on tv. Very lazy day indeed.
I'm so surprised i have only had the one binge/purge sesh today- as soon as I woke up. I have been home alone for the whole day and somehow managed to control myself. It's 5.15pm here and dinner will be soon, but I'm not worried about that. I already know I will scoff down my meal and race to do the dishes (like a good daughter does-not because I want to but because they are more likely to let me race off to 'shower' straight after dinner).
It is there that I will turn on the water in the basin, turn on the water in the shower and turn on the fan (cos even the smallest amount of extra noise can muffle my gagging). It's always a race against time to vomit everything whilst the shower is still running, then to fit in a shower before my parents bang on the bathroom door that we are under water restrictions and that my 'shower' has been too long. I won't flush until I am out of the shower- what would they think if they hear the shower running and the toilet flush at the same time? It always shocks me when i stumble out of the shower, 'high' on purging, see my food glaring back at me from the toilet bowl. Flush Flush flush.

Intake so far:
45 calorie h/c

Yesterday was easily solved with the friends coming over. We ordered bbq chicken pizza. Purged but with slight difficulty- I was so excited to eat it I barely chewed, therefore found myself choking on whole pieces of chicken on the way up.

So as you can see, restricting never really agrees with me, I knew it wouldn't be long until I lapsed completely into purging every day again. On a plus note, i've lost at least a kilo in like a day and a half (3 pounds'ish??) So at least not back to my starting weight after my recent gains but hovering under 65.

Tomorrow i have decided to fast along with one of the girls whose blog I follow Jess-anyone on the earth.

Other than this i am feeling surprising good, not depressed or anything, in control and relatively calm. A little poor from my binges :P But satisfied.

just fucking do it.

I just had this realisation today. I mean I have known this all along, but you know when things just hit you and make you think what. the. fuck.
well that was today.
i just realised i need to focus.
if i want this? I need to fucking work harder, i'm lucky(????) in that i have this ocd with ,my bingeing. If i p[lan to binge and even keep it down, ten minutes later i will purge it all up like a mad woman. I can't keep it down. But I need to stop this bingeing, i need to just not eat.
I want to lose ten kg by july 19?
poss?
howwwW???????
I think i will stay under 500 calories and do one day of liquid fasting a week. I will MAKE myself go to the gym and not sit at home thinking about it.
I have to change. This takes work. I won't just come to me. I want it enough to work really hard now.
ROARRRR i AM EMPOWERED.
lol
still could use some inspiration!!!!
xxx

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ugh ugh ugh ughhhhhhhhh I do not deserve any good fortune. not after the way i have fattened up in the last four days. I have eaten like a 'normal' person. Three meals, snacks, deserts. ugh. What happened to me. How did I let this happen. I am terrified to weigh myself, i feel so so bloated and can feel the extra food heaps around my stomach. I have an important party in 5 sleeps... do u reckon i can fast for four days??? I need to get myself back in that mind set i dunno what happened to me.
Will I ever succeed.
It is looking unlikely.
Ugh.
PLease inspire meeeeeeeeeeeeee

Fasty fast

i ate sooooooo much on saturday. prob about 800-900 cals. eeep. So yesterday i fasted all day and today I have just had an egg white omlette. I'm about 64.fattttttttttttttt, which isn't what i wanted but better then the start. I'm worried I'm starting to plateau so I think tiny cals like 3 times a day should wake up my metab??? yes???

Yesterday the bf and i went to the movies and stopped at the candy bar to which he attempted to tempt me with an manner of fattening sweets- i resisted..thank god!!! He ate a whole pack of snakes in front of me but. gahhhhh Why do guys eat whatever and not put on any weight.blahhhh.

We are going away for the weekend in a couple of weeks for his bday, so i need to be really determined up until then and then (maybe) have half a piece of bday cake..or actually maybe i'll make him one, that way i can control calories hahah. I had a starvation fueled cry at him yesterday, probably cos i'm a needy bitch, but just cos i felt we havent been seeing it each other enough (once a week at best) and have not been so couply lately. Can't rem if i said that we have been together for about 4 or so years??? LONG TIME!!! but he is great... :) Despite when he sneakily tries to feed me, when he realises i'm lapsing!! gahhhhhhh

Anywaysssssssssssss, I'm being such an anti social ho lately, just cos i know my friends will be a bad influence, and i will cave and want to eat crap. I struggled so hard the other day not to have a drunken binge at maccas. oh well!!!

la la alaallaaaaaa so bored, day off today, i need something to do or il binge on something!!!!!!!!!!!!
x