ugh

i knew there would come a time when I fucked it up.
It started after my audition on wednesday, it was terrible, so so hard, i got depressed and immediately went for food, I had a HUGE binge, like ice cream, chips, lollies, block of chocolate. I thought i would absorb, but alas i had a freak out and purged until i couldnt speak. gross gross gross!! why do i do this???!??!?!?!?
So I vowed to myself I would get back on track, alas thurs and fri came and i had already fucked it up by eating normal meals, like pasta, heaps of dairy etc. It just makes me realise how much i love the feeling of being empty and light, full feels so unhealthy to me.
Saturday and sunday I had low calorie days, mainly cos i had a small binge but then purged and went without dinner. I don't want this to be the way things go, i hate bingeing and purging so so much, Wish i could just starve...

I need inspiration.
I read a post by Kemper today and it just summed up the way i feel. You should read it, at least i know there are people out there who feel the same way...

Where are my friends? Who are my true friends? I have 'friends' but i still get this intense alone feeling, Where is my life? I have no money, I have a shit degree, i haven't 'made it', my boyfriend and i are on the verge of ending things after nearly 5 years, my mum hates me, i am so so normal.
i hate normal.
i want to be better than that.

ugh

stay stronger than me
xx

63. Lost 5 kg (11 pounds). yay

Woooo 63!! Feeling great, part of me is thinking why am i not bingeing??? I can usually not control myself!! But i'm thinking it is because I have stopped talking the pill... Whenever i was on the pill i would have this insatiable hunger that I could never control. Alas for some reason I'm doing ok. I am trying to get as much sleep as possible because I tend to just want to binge when I am tried. It is hard... I have rehearsals 4 nights a week and dancing too, So that is taking my mind off most things. My mother has been a bit weird of late. Yesterday for example she asked me how my eating was going.. what kind of question is that i asked back. To which she replied, asking whether I had things in control.. Hmmm. Another example: "have you ever considered writing a blog?" I'm hoping this one is just a coincidence and she hasn't been going thru my computer....I always make sure i clear the history.. bUT she does work partly in i.t, so lets hope she isn't snooping!! LOL!!

My audition is next week.I am terrified. I know I don't have a great chance, but at least they chose me to aud in the first place.

Anyways, the bf and I are still fighting. He is so flirty with girls, (he thinks i am too with guys) and I hate that. Once he said to me that he feels threatened cos he thinks I am more attractive then he is, so yeah he does that for some reason to get my attention i guess?? I dunno. I don't want to lose him.. But there are many things about our relationship that I WISH would change.
I hardly ever go to his place, mainly because I never drive, but i wish i had a better relationship with his parents- not that it is bad or anything but I am so introverted and shy around them STILL. And I'm always worried that they might take that I'm snobby or rude... Actually I'm worried everyone sees me like that.

Anyways enough of this now, i have to go to class.
But last few days i have been having about 300 cals, which seems like sooo much food- ie- egg white omlette, organic pumpkin soup. But i guess that's just my screwed up perception of what is alot. I guess I'm just trying to have meals that are low calories..

Stay Strong. xx