ugh

i knew there would come a time when I fucked it up.
It started after my audition on wednesday, it was terrible, so so hard, i got depressed and immediately went for food, I had a HUGE binge, like ice cream, chips, lollies, block of chocolate. I thought i would absorb, but alas i had a freak out and purged until i couldnt speak. gross gross gross!! why do i do this???!??!?!?!?
So I vowed to myself I would get back on track, alas thurs and fri came and i had already fucked it up by eating normal meals, like pasta, heaps of dairy etc. It just makes me realise how much i love the feeling of being empty and light, full feels so unhealthy to me.
Saturday and sunday I had low calorie days, mainly cos i had a small binge but then purged and went without dinner. I don't want this to be the way things go, i hate bingeing and purging so so much, Wish i could just starve...

I need inspiration.
I read a post by Kemper today and it just summed up the way i feel. You should read it, at least i know there are people out there who feel the same way...

Where are my friends? Who are my true friends? I have 'friends' but i still get this intense alone feeling, Where is my life? I have no money, I have a shit degree, i haven't 'made it', my boyfriend and i are on the verge of ending things after nearly 5 years, my mum hates me, i am so so normal.
i hate normal.
i want to be better than that.

ugh

stay stronger than me
xx

So i have been so proud of myself!!! One example, yesterday my boyfriend bought me a chocolate bar and proceeded to eat one in front of me to which i managed to resist. Oh god I love chocolate. At the moment I am under 64kg, I really need some new scales.. Maybe il buy a new pair...Hmmm just not sure how expensive they are but..
Today: omelette recipe i got off pretty thin (i omitted egg yolks but to bring the cal content right down) So that was about 80 cals, and then half a bowl of vegetable soup my mum made. Suprisingly I'm feeling ok and am able to resist the urge to binge like a crazy cow lol.
It is my mums birthday this sat, and the reservation is for a chinese restaurant, gahhh i wont be able to avoid eating, and i want to try and resist the urge to purge, so i think i will fast all day and research healthiest options!!!
Anyways I briefly thought of letting my self have a half day off on sat, but i don't think i can control myself and at the same time it makes me sick that i would even consider it.. ughh so really i haven't come too far.
I love empty. It lets me know I am progressing somehow.

Anyways test at uni tomorrow, so must go study, however how i met your mother is distracting me!!!!
xx