Complain, cos it's what I'm good at ha

I don't have mono. Which I am very very relieved about. This is kinda sick, but I was almost hoping I would have it so I could just stay in bed all day, not eating, being a hermit. Yes! Hit me that was terrible of me!!! EEEEEEEEEEEP

I'm still sick but, I've got a virus but I'll be ok. Worst time to be sick- exam season, show season, audition season etc etc.

I've got an audition for Love Never Dies next week, which is the worst timing- am so lucky to get an agent call for it, but I barely have a voice cos of my throat and blah blah blah. So I know it won't be the best audition. Never Mind! Everything happens for a reason i suppose.

I haven't vomited in two days. Ha which is pretty good. Sometimes I honestly just think I am never going to stop. I just can't. I'll probably die of it. Dramatic I know...but ugh. It's never ending.

Has anyone stopped for good?

Whilst I haven't been vomiting I've just been living off strawberries, tuna and mineral water.

HA this post is so typical of me, complain about throwing up, complain about mia, complaining about uni complain complain complain

Haven't complained about boys yet but....

Boys:

I NEED ACTION.

None of this hooking up bull shit. There is only so much satisfaction I can get out of something with batteries haha.

I think what i want is a little fling- a fuck buddy, who I can get lots of attention from and who will take me out... Ha sounds like a boyfriend almost...hmmmm It's just so hard to meet straight boys waaaaaaaaaaa

In other news the silly kitten knocked over detergent when I wasn't home and has gotten sick from it. He will be ok, but I think it was probably him just being a diva and cracking a spaz for me locking him in the laundry.

"Take this bitch, I'm gonna trash the place unless you let me out, hiss hiss"

Had fun reading your blogs tonight and catching up on your lives :)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

fuck

Since I have been gone:

*b/p nearly every day again.

*discovered my neighbour, a girl who went to my school, who is a year younger then me is bulimic, she look's amazing but. Bitch haha. I wish we were friends.

*Gained i'm pretty fucking sure.

*been so fucking busy with shows and uni cbnhwiofbhilabfhilb

*debating what the fuck to do with my life next year. Since I graduate this year and all.

*getting tested for glandular (i think some of you may call it mono)- my immune system has gone to shit. Praying it's not glandular I don't have time to be bedridden!!!!!!

fuck fuck fuck fuck- my swearing is on high today haaaaaaa

miss you babes,

cannot wait till my life starts again so i can post more frequently.

NEED.

fat weekend.
Not much to report other then I ate like a 'normal person'+ purges. Which automatically makes me hate life. lol.

I've been thinking lately that I really need to evaluate what I'm doing in my life. I finish my degree this year. I really need to take advice of my agent and put myself out there. I need to stop spending money on binges and spend money on my future and marketing myself better. Which means;
*new clothes frequently
*hair coloured frequently
*teeth fixed (they are straight just my two front teeth are a tad longer then the others- plus they aren't pearly whites because of the purging.
*new headshots/show reel/studio time

Mia makes me so weak and lazy, I wish I could starve starve starve. Which is a terribly thing to wish I know. So many of you girls are struggling and here I am wishing this. Ugh.

I get angry with myself- I have these mini realisations all the time, and my motivation lasts for a while, then comes and goes in bursts. Don't get me wrong my motivation to perform is always there, it's just my crazy fucked up thoughts that get in the way.
I need to stop being so fucking lazy. I have all these people who believe in me, sometimes I feel like I am throwing it all away, I just get so overwhelmed in my eating/emotions and being a drama queen. I need a change. My teacher is helping me get into acting/music schools/agencies in London. I need to get out of my little bubble.

I need to make realistic goals. I aim to lose 5 kg by the start of October. Which is completely realistic- pretty much an amount anyone could lose healthily. 5 kg at least by then. I wont be doing it the 'standard' way. I'm not talking about recovery here. I'm talking about *fingers crossed* stopping binges, not purging multiple times a day, restricting and exercising more.
Exercise will be gym 5 days a week still in combo with daily 8 minute abs and buns. And of course my standard movement/dance/flex classes.



I think I will try giving you girls weekly weigh ins, hopefully this 'public humiliation' will motivate me to not fail. Lol. Starting the following week. You all have permission to shame me if I fail hideously.

I think I'll fast one day a week also. If anyone ever wants to join, let me know and we can blog/chat about it together.

Ugh AND just as I thought I was getting over everything The Script release this new song which pretty much could be called Ava-Rose's recent break up.

PS- I need a shag. haha.

It's a dirty free for all.

Thank you for the comments! I love you guys. Such amazing people you all are! I imagine you mean alot to those around you... (not just me :) )

I love hotels. I remember getting home from the party at about 5 or so the other night, and went for a walk along the corridors of the hotel as my friends were passing out left right and centre in our room. It was fun getting lost by myself in my numbed state, staring at the city lights out the window, walking past room after room of people tucked up in bed. It was so quiet. And so peaceful.


Today has been a good day for intake. I tentatively decided to fast but it didn't really work out- dinner with fam etc etc. So I decided with the anorexic part of my brain and went for something low calorie rather then the bulimic part of the brain which would say "Go on, eat pad thai, and 4 helpings of dessert in like ten minutes- you can just vomit it all up". Lol I'm serious that's how I always think. Anyway I decided on sushi. So I go to this quaint little japanese place up the road (side note: was served by this gorgeous petite japanese goddess- immediate thinspo) which I have never been to before. I order this 5 pack of spicy tuna pieces. In an effort to look experienced/comfortable with japanese cuisine (I only ever get the pre-made rolls at uni) I order this pretty much to avoid saying words such as "inari", "Futomaki", "Maguro" etc. LOL

Anyway I get it home start to eat it, and realise it's the raw tuna, which I hate. GAHHH I asked for the wrong thing. So I ate two pieces and palmed the rest of it onto my mum who was already eating pad thai. So according to calorieking.com they are 30 calories a piece. WIN. Defs getting the cooked tuna next time.

So that puts me at 60 calories today.

Probably going to be a Nanna and go to bed soon- it's 9.15. Who am I????!?!?!? LOL. But to be honest I have had a tiring day: dancing, and alot of physically/emotionally draining acting rehearsals. I am spent. Plus saving myself for the 'Ke$ha' style state I will probs get myself into tomorrow night HA. Especially with "a water bottle full of whisky in my hand bag" lol. Oh Kesh. lyrical genius. HA.



I also have to vote tomorrow- first election. Have tried to be a responsible Australian citizen and research each political party. :)

Have a good weekend my friends.

xoxox

gross gross gross

So don't read if you have a weak stomach. haha.

So I just had some sugar free lollies (maybe 10-15). And I must have had a really extreme reaction or something, cos I am literally bloated to the extent of looking like i'm pregnant to full term, and spent at least an hour on the toilet. I usually have heaps of sugar free stuff and am fine. They had a MASSIVE laxative effect ughhhh. yuck. I hate talking about poop. lol. I honestly don't know how i was pooping for so long cos I haven't had much today...

B: three strawberries, handful of bran without milk.
L: 3 rice cakes
D: 1 sushi roll. lollies

*heaps of water and vitamins..
I know not very nutritious. At least I haven't purged. Get that- I haven't purged for THE WHOLE DAY.

Bad news is I didn't go to the gym today cos I've been at uni all day, but had some movement classes so that's ok i suppose.
What kind of music do we all like?

A Miracle?

No kidding you I have lost two kilos in two days.. I don't even know how this happened, i guess the fact that I didn't binge is good. So this is what I ate yesterday:
B: 2 egg whites with a bit of pepper and sauce and a tomato
L: 2 rice thins
D: Satay Chicken wrap (ashamed to say partially purged)

*And heaps of water throughout the day
*Went to the gym both days and half hour walk (so nothing too strenuous)

Perhaps the fact that i am actually absorbing food lol and not throwing up everything? And that I am spacing it out to get my metabolism running?

My timetable at uni is starting to get busier which means I'll be with the same group of people for the whole day. Which in turn means friends will be watching me like hawks lol.

I texted the ex (i nearly said bf then..habit :( ) He still has so much stuff of mine, clothes shoes- shit I want back.

I have a box of our cards and movie tickets and all that shit that I will probably burn in the fire. LOL

Yesterday!

Went so well! A one hour walk in the morning- I'm not much of a runner sigh, but i power walk! :)
The fast went very well! I ate a plate of undressed salad (lettuce, tomato and cucumber) at lunch but I had planned on that anyway. So a bit of a wimpy fast-not my usual eat absolutely nothing water only rules. :P Oh well I feel emptier today, and SO much better for not purging/bingeing.
I worked for 8 hours dancing on a tv shoot so i got so much exercise in yesterday too, So I am feeling pretty pleased. Haven't had a chance to weigh myself- my mum confiscated the scales to her bathroom and she is currently home. I 'm sending subliminal messages to her from the other room- FUCKING LEAVE BITCH!
LOL
When I got home last night I saw that my Dad had brought my favourite bread and I immediately made a note that I would probably be purging half the loaf tomorrow. So now that I have woken up in crazy/possessed/must binge NOW mode and seen mum still here, I am kinda freaking out lol. So I've pretty much locked myself away from the kitchen to avoid vacuuming the whole pantry. That is until she leaves and I am home alone to binge and purge till my hearts content. Fucked? Yeah I figured that out a while ago!

So I am sad now that I have finished reading Wasted, god Marya writes well. My library doesn't have Wintergirls atm; anyone got any good ones to read?

So I worked out that Adriana Lima and I are the same height and I weigh about 10 kg more than her!!! Apparently she is 51kg (110 pounds??). What a babe. sigh.

Back to uni next week, I usually end up going one of two ways in times of stress and business- binge/purge even more violently or just forget to eat. I hope it's the latter!

xx

blah blah blah

So i went to a strip club last night! lol.
It was actually fun...and not to mention great thinspo. Watching these super skinny superhuman women do their thing on the pole is enough to make anyone self-conscious. Great bodies but some ugly faces though.
Anyway.
I'm just over 61 today... which is pretty cool considering i went out last night and drank a shit load! No getting complacent But hey, my body is being good to me :)
I still haven't gotten my period ugh.. I'm hoping it's just cos i recently stopped taking the pill and my body is re-adjusting, rather then being pregnant or some shit.lol.
ughh The boyfriend and i have been fighting so much lately. Just about silly things, we are both naturally jealous people,yet tend to flirt alot with other people alot, which most of the time is the topic of fighting. I always get in stages during a fight where I am just like-"fuck you, don't need you." bUT then i think of something cute that he does, or a little trait of his that makes me love him and i change my mind. I dunno what to do. There is no point being in a relationship that has this many downs all the time, but i need to work out whether these issues are worth staying together.
We both don't agree with breaks, so if we end it, we end it for good, no contact no nothing. All the stress with him+uni+parents on my back+ lack of money+ auditions+ no success is not making me very hungry, i'm finding it pretty easy to restrict. I had a big cry this morning about the boyfriend, then about my body etc, and it just turned into this massive sook fest.ugh. I locked myself in my room, cried for a bit then made myself do the washing and clean my room to take my mind of this dumb life. Nothing like a good distraction.

Every day I range from about 200 up to 600 calories (most days are lower) but whatever i am doing, it seems to be working. I haven't really noticed too much of a difference in the 7kg iv lost, but my pants are looser etc.

anyway stay strong.
x

63. Lost 5 kg (11 pounds). yay

Woooo 63!! Feeling great, part of me is thinking why am i not bingeing??? I can usually not control myself!! But i'm thinking it is because I have stopped talking the pill... Whenever i was on the pill i would have this insatiable hunger that I could never control. Alas for some reason I'm doing ok. I am trying to get as much sleep as possible because I tend to just want to binge when I am tried. It is hard... I have rehearsals 4 nights a week and dancing too, So that is taking my mind off most things. My mother has been a bit weird of late. Yesterday for example she asked me how my eating was going.. what kind of question is that i asked back. To which she replied, asking whether I had things in control.. Hmmm. Another example: "have you ever considered writing a blog?" I'm hoping this one is just a coincidence and she hasn't been going thru my computer....I always make sure i clear the history.. bUT she does work partly in i.t, so lets hope she isn't snooping!! LOL!!

My audition is next week.I am terrified. I know I don't have a great chance, but at least they chose me to aud in the first place.

Anyways, the bf and I are still fighting. He is so flirty with girls, (he thinks i am too with guys) and I hate that. Once he said to me that he feels threatened cos he thinks I am more attractive then he is, so yeah he does that for some reason to get my attention i guess?? I dunno. I don't want to lose him.. But there are many things about our relationship that I WISH would change.
I hardly ever go to his place, mainly because I never drive, but i wish i had a better relationship with his parents- not that it is bad or anything but I am so introverted and shy around them STILL. And I'm always worried that they might take that I'm snobby or rude... Actually I'm worried everyone sees me like that.

Anyways enough of this now, i have to go to class.
But last few days i have been having about 300 cals, which seems like sooo much food- ie- egg white omlette, organic pumpkin soup. But i guess that's just my screwed up perception of what is alot. I guess I'm just trying to have meals that are low calories..

Stay Strong. xx

So i have been so proud of myself!!! One example, yesterday my boyfriend bought me a chocolate bar and proceeded to eat one in front of me to which i managed to resist. Oh god I love chocolate. At the moment I am under 64kg, I really need some new scales.. Maybe il buy a new pair...Hmmm just not sure how expensive they are but..
Today: omelette recipe i got off pretty thin (i omitted egg yolks but to bring the cal content right down) So that was about 80 cals, and then half a bowl of vegetable soup my mum made. Suprisingly I'm feeling ok and am able to resist the urge to binge like a crazy cow lol.
It is my mums birthday this sat, and the reservation is for a chinese restaurant, gahhh i wont be able to avoid eating, and i want to try and resist the urge to purge, so i think i will fast all day and research healthiest options!!!
Anyways I briefly thought of letting my self have a half day off on sat, but i don't think i can control myself and at the same time it makes me sick that i would even consider it.. ughh so really i haven't come too far.
I love empty. It lets me know I am progressing somehow.

Anyways test at uni tomorrow, so must go study, however how i met your mother is distracting me!!!!
xx

Goal weight 1

Hey guys,
not much to report I'm afraid. yesterday myself and some friends went to maccas (no i didn't have anything besides a d.c) and they talked about diets the whole time. wHEN i say diets, they are having like 1200 cals a day-u know a normal thing. I just sat there in silence the whole time. Oh well each to their own i guess. Yesterday I went to a dance class on about 200 cals and i could no handle itttttttt. Very light headed and no energy the whole time. I need tips on energy!!!

Anyways I'm down to just under 65 kg (I'm 1.75 cm tall so pretty tall!!!!!), so lost three kg !! yay
Which means iv reached my first goal weight yayy (of 65 kg)
Hope to be 62 as of next week!! Tonight i'm going out and planning on having a big one with some friends from uni yayyy.

Stay strong!
x