ugh

i knew there would come a time when I fucked it up.
It started after my audition on wednesday, it was terrible, so so hard, i got depressed and immediately went for food, I had a HUGE binge, like ice cream, chips, lollies, block of chocolate. I thought i would absorb, but alas i had a freak out and purged until i couldnt speak. gross gross gross!! why do i do this???!??!?!?!?
So I vowed to myself I would get back on track, alas thurs and fri came and i had already fucked it up by eating normal meals, like pasta, heaps of dairy etc. It just makes me realise how much i love the feeling of being empty and light, full feels so unhealthy to me.
Saturday and sunday I had low calorie days, mainly cos i had a small binge but then purged and went without dinner. I don't want this to be the way things go, i hate bingeing and purging so so much, Wish i could just starve...

I need inspiration.
I read a post by Kemper today and it just summed up the way i feel. You should read it, at least i know there are people out there who feel the same way...

Where are my friends? Who are my true friends? I have 'friends' but i still get this intense alone feeling, Where is my life? I have no money, I have a shit degree, i haven't 'made it', my boyfriend and i are on the verge of ending things after nearly 5 years, my mum hates me, i am so so normal.
i hate normal.
i want to be better than that.

ugh

stay stronger than me
xx

Surprising...

OK so yesterday, i screwed up a little, things started great in the morning- vitamins and the omlette, and then my mum decided to take me shopping. So the shopping center i go to is like one of the biggest in the southern hemisphere (or something similar) and you can imagine how much it takes out of you walking around for about 2 hours!! Anyways along came lunch time, and my mum was like "come on lets go grab some lunch", to which i panicked and started freaking out about how i could get out of this one. I tried the, :"errr, yeah not really hungry, I'll just grab something at home." Which she did not stand for. Anyways we found this nice little place that served up a vegetable broth so I just ordered that. That was the ok part. After shopping we went to visit my nan (keep in mind that i wagged all of yesterday ooops) at her place where she served up a coconut cake, and monte carlo biscuits. Gah well When i was on my way to my nans i swore I would not eat anything! Alas I'm a little liar. So i had a piece of the amazing cake, and two monte carlos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The cake was something like 300 cals.......and that is what i have been having daily!!!aghhhhfhwufnwupfnwu9pfuwapbnfwu9pgw9uhg.

Anyway, I dragged myself to the gym and pushed myself as hard as I could, also promising no dinner tonight. And of course I fucked that one up too. I had a thai beef salad- bf took me to dinner, cos our movie was later than expected so we had free time!! I sat though the whole movie, hating myself and having a mini meltdown in the dark.

Later that night, I spent alot of time on the toilet- gross I know, because for some miracle i must have gotten food poisoning or had some reaction to all that food in me. When I woke up this morning.. I was 62!! yayyyy. That is my next goal weight!!!!!!!
I immediately got so exciting i ran to the freezer and proceeded to eat a truck load of ice cream. Then i suddenly had the realisation... what the fu&^ am i doing???!?!?!?!?!?

Then I thought about it.... and a voice in my head was like...you could just throw it up. ugh.
So i ate until I was so full and then proceeded to purge until i was dry heaving. blahhh. What is wrong with meeeeeeeeeee?????
I promised myself I would try and not binge and purge as much as i used to. It just becomes so addictive.

Anyway it's been about five hours, I'm about to go to work, and I'm kinda scared to eat anything in case I start bingeing massively then need to purge...

Trying to remain calm.

So I know that I have reached my next goal weight.. But I think I will wait until I am safely under it, before I tick it off.

Stay strong.xx