whinge whinge whinge sook sook sook.

I went to bed last night, telling myself I would not purge in today, that I would eat healthily and keep it down.
Just had a huge fight with my boyfriend. We were supposed to see each other tonight, to talk things over. He organised plans with a friend instead, wasn't even going to tell me. I get the feeling he is just waiting for me to end it, I don't think he has the courage to. I'm scared. I'm so upset. I'm shaking. I've purged everything. I can't even cry. How do you end a four year relationship so quickly? I am honestly not the type to depend on boyfriends or anyone. I would rather suffer alone. But this guy is my best friend. How did it get so fucked up. He keeps hurting me but I just hanging on to him. I feel so pathetic.

I logged on here and promised I would try to avoid being over dramatic and depressed- surprisingly this is a toned down post. lol.

Darling Alice nominated me for A Blogger Addict Award, which honestly was so sweet of her <3, improved my mood too. I feel like I hardly deserve it, my posts are so disinteresting and I haven't been blogging for long. But I will accept it just the same! :)


i love
Marilyn Monroe. supermodels.ice cream.fake tan and bronzer.the 20's.perez hilton.amy adams.jazz singing.opp/vintage shopping. merryl streep.pringles.slurpies.green tea.film.film noir.day dreaming.animals.class and glamour.drunken moments.collecting underwear.disney.singalongs.Ellen degeneres.michael buble. chivalry. family. the name ava( it's not actually my name ps)dancing.cate blanchet.lollies.kisses.idina menzel.drunken singstar.the moment when i am on stage.personal jokes that everyone wants to be included in.realife movie moments.random photo sessions and photo whorage.reading. my cat.realising you love something.horror movies.weheartit.com. generosity.you girlies :)

i loath
cold days.cleaning my room.people who bag harry potter.rejection.failing.having nothing to do.fat days.being snowman pale.days when i don't go to the gym.neglect or cruelty to animals.swimwear shopping.'twihards'.upsetting people- terrified of being the cause of someones pain.my phone cap.people touching my feet.judgemental people.licorice.being so shy.people thinking i'm a bitch when i'm shy.voldermort.when the hosts of the view repeatedly talk over each other.no more harry potter.stephenie meyer having to have a cameo in twilight.rainy days.not 'making it' yet.being hung up on.

ps-very aware that i went overboard with the likes and dislikes lol
My nominations:
http://crumpetcancer.blogspot.com - Eva
http://thisisthecollapserightnow.blogspot.com - Sarah
http://escapevelocity-almost.blogspot.com/ - Jess
http://emryelle.blogspot.com/?zx=ecbc44638a82d9a9 - Emry
http://myoneheadlight.blogspot.com/?zx=164ff7d4caffd3f8 - pixiestix_014

Stay strong everyone!!! Sorry about the sook!! I'm gonna go watch a comedy or something now :P
xxxx

Downer.

good three days. If you count purging every meal good. Haven't weighed myself so not sure. I am feeling so depressed lately, what with the boyfriend problems and general life. I would love to get into my brother's anti-depressants alas I will not. Trying to remain positive however aware I sound like a complete emo. Plus all the blogs I have been following seem to be slowing down a little bit. Where are you girls???!!!
stay strong.
x

restless.

I am being reckless. I am going out too much, drinking too much, eating too little, vomiting too much (alcohol and self-induced), sleeping too little. Last night I had my ex' 21st. He has a girlfriend, and he was being so inappropriately flirtatious. I was flirting back but not to the extent of his advances. I would hate to be his girlfriend. If he wasn't with her at the moment I would probably go there for old times sake, but no nothing more.
Anyway I found myself drunk, half nude hooking up with one of my girlfriends in the bathroom. I had all these ideas of taking off my clothes and running through the lawns of the reception centre, or taking some drugs and lying on the grass under the stars. I am plagued by this need to do something 'fucked up'. Not for attention...More just a want to feel something more. A thrill. I ended the night having a dnm with the ex' older brother. Nice guy. Cute. He probed about my non-existant love life and gave me some advice. I am getting nothing off my boyfriend now. Haven't seen him in weeks. We text fight every day. I drunk text him. I miss him. I text and tell him that but he never tells me that he does. He says he doesn't want to break up but he doesn't see it working out. ughh. I honestly don't know what to do. I am terrified of life without him. Although that's how it has been lately anyway. I need so much more then what he is giving me. I'm not clingy, I go out all the time without him. I don't think I'm asking too much.

To break up or not.

Big question.

Food wise, yeah no restricting. Just vomiting. ughh. wish I was a restricter.

Put me to bed.

Cannot sleep. Sleep is the only escape from food right now, and even it won't come.
I have spent the last 2 hours looking up photos on weheartit.com (great website if u haven't heard of it).
I cannot stop thinking about my boyfriend. (can i even call him that now?) Things r so screwed with me and him now. I need him.
I'm currently doing some stupid 48hr detox, which is making me feel so gross, who knows why i do water fasts all the time.
I am living for next wednesday when eclipse comes out lol. Allowing myself to be a bit out of control that day, otherwise till then restricting/fasting/exercising.
.....
...........
So I have a secret. Well a few people know. Anyway a year or so back I had a threesome with my friend and her boyfriend. Anywho her and I got drunk and went clubbing together this weekend passed. We talked about that night for the first time properly, to which she admitted that because of that night she now classifies herself as bisexual. So I turned someone. eep. Lol.
She also drunkenly asked what was 'wrong' with me. (Known me all through high-school) Said she always knew there was something wrong with me haha. I drunkenly told her about mia. Didn't go into massive detail, but she said she always knew anyways. It's weird knowing someone for that long I guess and not getting that close to them till years down the track. Odd.
Enough ramblings.
Shopping tomorrow. New dress for crazy uni end of semester party.
Love meeeee x

Nearly Holidays!!!!

so since i last posted i completed a two day water fast to get me back on track! I feel heaps better, and am back to around 300 cals a day and my lower weight, funny how regardless of how much crap i ate i got back down to it so easily. I shouldn't take that for granted but. sO I had a meeting with my agent, who told me that I have improved heaps, alas I have to lose weight to have a continual place on tv and film. Well duh. As if I didn't know that already.
So here I am back to restricting. ho hum. I need to break this plateau of 60kg, i can't seem to shift from there.
Holidays are coming up and I am terrified i will let myself go! Of course I want it to use it to really focus and come back from hols as a new improved 'me'. Who knows!
The boyfriend and i are meeting today to discuss if we need to break up or not. ugh. Haven't seen him in nearly 3 weeks. I miss him, but at the same time i hate him right now.
xx

Plateau

ughh.
So i think i'm going through a plateau. Probably cos I am religiously eating 250-300 calories per day. I know i need to pump up my metab but I'm a bit scared that if i eat a bit more, it will work to my disadvantage. Plus my cousin is coming over on friday to hang out, which means lots of junk food. I'm planning on just starving all day and hopefully the binge wont be anymore than 800. I couldn't stand to eat any more than that right now. And haven't in a while actually. hmmm. So my cousin is one of those girls who are naturally super skinny. But i mean I don't want that, i like the way skinny looks when you have to make more of an effort. :P Anyway i know she will prob come around with all manner of chocolate and icecreams- i told her about my probable break up and that was her answer. Ugh she knows me too well. Love myself a good binge. ha.

How long will this plateau last??!!!!??? It's killing me. I'm worried i'll slip up. I thrive on success. I need some in the next few days!! I am also going to a 21st on saturday where there will be people there from primary school. gah So a bit of a reunion. Planning on looking like a fierce fox ha.

Anyway, stay strong!xx

blah blah blah

So i went to a strip club last night! lol.
It was actually fun...and not to mention great thinspo. Watching these super skinny superhuman women do their thing on the pole is enough to make anyone self-conscious. Great bodies but some ugly faces though.
Anyway.
I'm just over 61 today... which is pretty cool considering i went out last night and drank a shit load! No getting complacent But hey, my body is being good to me :)
I still haven't gotten my period ugh.. I'm hoping it's just cos i recently stopped taking the pill and my body is re-adjusting, rather then being pregnant or some shit.lol.
ughh The boyfriend and i have been fighting so much lately. Just about silly things, we are both naturally jealous people,yet tend to flirt alot with other people alot, which most of the time is the topic of fighting. I always get in stages during a fight where I am just like-"fuck you, don't need you." bUT then i think of something cute that he does, or a little trait of his that makes me love him and i change my mind. I dunno what to do. There is no point being in a relationship that has this many downs all the time, but i need to work out whether these issues are worth staying together.
We both don't agree with breaks, so if we end it, we end it for good, no contact no nothing. All the stress with him+uni+parents on my back+ lack of money+ auditions+ no success is not making me very hungry, i'm finding it pretty easy to restrict. I had a big cry this morning about the boyfriend, then about my body etc, and it just turned into this massive sook fest.ugh. I locked myself in my room, cried for a bit then made myself do the washing and clean my room to take my mind of this dumb life. Nothing like a good distraction.

Every day I range from about 200 up to 600 calories (most days are lower) but whatever i am doing, it seems to be working. I haven't really noticed too much of a difference in the 7kg iv lost, but my pants are looser etc.

anyway stay strong.
x

ugh

i knew there would come a time when I fucked it up.
It started after my audition on wednesday, it was terrible, so so hard, i got depressed and immediately went for food, I had a HUGE binge, like ice cream, chips, lollies, block of chocolate. I thought i would absorb, but alas i had a freak out and purged until i couldnt speak. gross gross gross!! why do i do this???!??!?!?!?
So I vowed to myself I would get back on track, alas thurs and fri came and i had already fucked it up by eating normal meals, like pasta, heaps of dairy etc. It just makes me realise how much i love the feeling of being empty and light, full feels so unhealthy to me.
Saturday and sunday I had low calorie days, mainly cos i had a small binge but then purged and went without dinner. I don't want this to be the way things go, i hate bingeing and purging so so much, Wish i could just starve...

I need inspiration.
I read a post by Kemper today and it just summed up the way i feel. You should read it, at least i know there are people out there who feel the same way...

Where are my friends? Who are my true friends? I have 'friends' but i still get this intense alone feeling, Where is my life? I have no money, I have a shit degree, i haven't 'made it', my boyfriend and i are on the verge of ending things after nearly 5 years, my mum hates me, i am so so normal.
i hate normal.
i want to be better than that.

ugh

stay stronger than me
xx

Surprising...

OK so yesterday, i screwed up a little, things started great in the morning- vitamins and the omlette, and then my mum decided to take me shopping. So the shopping center i go to is like one of the biggest in the southern hemisphere (or something similar) and you can imagine how much it takes out of you walking around for about 2 hours!! Anyways along came lunch time, and my mum was like "come on lets go grab some lunch", to which i panicked and started freaking out about how i could get out of this one. I tried the, :"errr, yeah not really hungry, I'll just grab something at home." Which she did not stand for. Anyways we found this nice little place that served up a vegetable broth so I just ordered that. That was the ok part. After shopping we went to visit my nan (keep in mind that i wagged all of yesterday ooops) at her place where she served up a coconut cake, and monte carlo biscuits. Gah well When i was on my way to my nans i swore I would not eat anything! Alas I'm a little liar. So i had a piece of the amazing cake, and two monte carlos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The cake was something like 300 cals.......and that is what i have been having daily!!!aghhhhfhwufnwupfnwu9pfuwapbnfwu9pgw9uhg.

Anyway, I dragged myself to the gym and pushed myself as hard as I could, also promising no dinner tonight. And of course I fucked that one up too. I had a thai beef salad- bf took me to dinner, cos our movie was later than expected so we had free time!! I sat though the whole movie, hating myself and having a mini meltdown in the dark.

Later that night, I spent alot of time on the toilet- gross I know, because for some miracle i must have gotten food poisoning or had some reaction to all that food in me. When I woke up this morning.. I was 62!! yayyyy. That is my next goal weight!!!!!!!
I immediately got so exciting i ran to the freezer and proceeded to eat a truck load of ice cream. Then i suddenly had the realisation... what the fu&^ am i doing???!?!?!?!?!?

Then I thought about it.... and a voice in my head was like...you could just throw it up. ugh.
So i ate until I was so full and then proceeded to purge until i was dry heaving. blahhh. What is wrong with meeeeeeeeeee?????
I promised myself I would try and not binge and purge as much as i used to. It just becomes so addictive.

Anyway it's been about five hours, I'm about to go to work, and I'm kinda scared to eat anything in case I start bingeing massively then need to purge...

Trying to remain calm.

So I know that I have reached my next goal weight.. But I think I will wait until I am safely under it, before I tick it off.

Stay strong.xx

63. Lost 5 kg (11 pounds). yay

Woooo 63!! Feeling great, part of me is thinking why am i not bingeing??? I can usually not control myself!! But i'm thinking it is because I have stopped talking the pill... Whenever i was on the pill i would have this insatiable hunger that I could never control. Alas for some reason I'm doing ok. I am trying to get as much sleep as possible because I tend to just want to binge when I am tried. It is hard... I have rehearsals 4 nights a week and dancing too, So that is taking my mind off most things. My mother has been a bit weird of late. Yesterday for example she asked me how my eating was going.. what kind of question is that i asked back. To which she replied, asking whether I had things in control.. Hmmm. Another example: "have you ever considered writing a blog?" I'm hoping this one is just a coincidence and she hasn't been going thru my computer....I always make sure i clear the history.. bUT she does work partly in i.t, so lets hope she isn't snooping!! LOL!!

My audition is next week.I am terrified. I know I don't have a great chance, but at least they chose me to aud in the first place.

Anyways, the bf and I are still fighting. He is so flirty with girls, (he thinks i am too with guys) and I hate that. Once he said to me that he feels threatened cos he thinks I am more attractive then he is, so yeah he does that for some reason to get my attention i guess?? I dunno. I don't want to lose him.. But there are many things about our relationship that I WISH would change.
I hardly ever go to his place, mainly because I never drive, but i wish i had a better relationship with his parents- not that it is bad or anything but I am so introverted and shy around them STILL. And I'm always worried that they might take that I'm snobby or rude... Actually I'm worried everyone sees me like that.

Anyways enough of this now, i have to go to class.
But last few days i have been having about 300 cals, which seems like sooo much food- ie- egg white omlette, organic pumpkin soup. But i guess that's just my screwed up perception of what is alot. I guess I'm just trying to have meals that are low calories..

Stay Strong. xx

Fasty fast

i ate sooooooo much on saturday. prob about 800-900 cals. eeep. So yesterday i fasted all day and today I have just had an egg white omlette. I'm about 64.fattttttttttttttt, which isn't what i wanted but better then the start. I'm worried I'm starting to plateau so I think tiny cals like 3 times a day should wake up my metab??? yes???

Yesterday the bf and i went to the movies and stopped at the candy bar to which he attempted to tempt me with an manner of fattening sweets- i resisted..thank god!!! He ate a whole pack of snakes in front of me but. gahhhhh Why do guys eat whatever and not put on any weight.blahhhh.

We are going away for the weekend in a couple of weeks for his bday, so i need to be really determined up until then and then (maybe) have half a piece of bday cake..or actually maybe i'll make him one, that way i can control calories hahah. I had a starvation fueled cry at him yesterday, probably cos i'm a needy bitch, but just cos i felt we havent been seeing it each other enough (once a week at best) and have not been so couply lately. Can't rem if i said that we have been together for about 4 or so years??? LONG TIME!!! but he is great... :) Despite when he sneakily tries to feed me, when he realises i'm lapsing!! gahhhhhhh

Anywaysssssssssssss, I'm being such an anti social ho lately, just cos i know my friends will be a bad influence, and i will cave and want to eat crap. I struggled so hard the other day not to have a drunken binge at maccas. oh well!!!

la la alaallaaaaaa so bored, day off today, i need something to do or il binge on something!!!!!!!!!!!!
x

The Old Days

ok so I'm just sitting here watching a movie thinking about the days where i would buy all this junk food and eat it in one sitting and then prepare myself for a massive purge when i was done. Ugh not a good way of doing things, I'm happy iv kinda eliminated the amount of times i do that, anyways i havent binged in about three weeks. So what am i eating now then? Jelly crystals and water haha.
Like i said going out for mums birthday tomorrow so hoping to flush u=out my system before any crazy eating tomorrow, which hopefully i can control!!gahh
I read about this new diet on Pretty thin, which is like the ABC but takes into account of the weekends (in case your like me and have parents who watch what u eat etc) on the weekend days it tends to be around 650. It's only 30 days long, and on the last day you fast. I'm thinking of trying that if i get out of hand tomorrow- i might need something to put me back on track :P
Today I have eaten- half a banana, egg white omlette and a small thai chicken salad. Which sounds like a shit load of food to me, i still think its alot, i have a little twinge of guilt- but it came around 300 cals. Plus i did a gym workout, where i usually burn about 400 cals, so i spose it's okkkkkkkkkaaaaayyy. Anyways was meant to see the bf tonight, but he cancelled, things are not going well we are fighting all the time ( we have been togther for about 4 years) so i dunno what will end up happening, i gave him the 'fine the ball is in your court' msg and have not heard from him yet. eeep. Whatever, I mean as much as i do not want to loose him, and he says he does not at all wanna break up, i need to learn to be independant, cos i am a princess, and he does shit for me all the time.
Anyways..
xx