I haven't died.

I'm just real effin busy.

Did one show last week- A midsummer night's dream. This week I'm doing my own Cabaret. Closing night tomorrow night. Can't wait actually exhausted.

Have just been restricting- vomiting ruins my voice, alas fucked up this arvo- home alone- what else- Which meant tonight's show wasn't as good as i could have been! ugh

anyways.

Nothing to report, currently lying in bed watching the recent ep of gossip girl. All I will say is Chuck and Blair............................ :O

hahah

Hope some of you understand this!

xx

NEED.

fat weekend.
Not much to report other then I ate like a 'normal person'+ purges. Which automatically makes me hate life. lol.

I've been thinking lately that I really need to evaluate what I'm doing in my life. I finish my degree this year. I really need to take advice of my agent and put myself out there. I need to stop spending money on binges and spend money on my future and marketing myself better. Which means;
*new clothes frequently
*hair coloured frequently
*teeth fixed (they are straight just my two front teeth are a tad longer then the others- plus they aren't pearly whites because of the purging.
*new headshots/show reel/studio time

Mia makes me so weak and lazy, I wish I could starve starve starve. Which is a terribly thing to wish I know. So many of you girls are struggling and here I am wishing this. Ugh.

I get angry with myself- I have these mini realisations all the time, and my motivation lasts for a while, then comes and goes in bursts. Don't get me wrong my motivation to perform is always there, it's just my crazy fucked up thoughts that get in the way.
I need to stop being so fucking lazy. I have all these people who believe in me, sometimes I feel like I am throwing it all away, I just get so overwhelmed in my eating/emotions and being a drama queen. I need a change. My teacher is helping me get into acting/music schools/agencies in London. I need to get out of my little bubble.

I need to make realistic goals. I aim to lose 5 kg by the start of October. Which is completely realistic- pretty much an amount anyone could lose healthily. 5 kg at least by then. I wont be doing it the 'standard' way. I'm not talking about recovery here. I'm talking about *fingers crossed* stopping binges, not purging multiple times a day, restricting and exercising more.
Exercise will be gym 5 days a week still in combo with daily 8 minute abs and buns. And of course my standard movement/dance/flex classes.



I think I will try giving you girls weekly weigh ins, hopefully this 'public humiliation' will motivate me to not fail. Lol. Starting the following week. You all have permission to shame me if I fail hideously.

I think I'll fast one day a week also. If anyone ever wants to join, let me know and we can blog/chat about it together.

Ugh AND just as I thought I was getting over everything The Script release this new song which pretty much could be called Ava-Rose's recent break up.

PS- I need a shag. haha.

I'm sick.Not just in the head.

I woke up this morning with the worst sore throat and really bad body aches and pains. I said to myself ok, just eat what you need to get better and definitely no vomiting, let your body rest. etc etc So I sit down to have my breakfast and promise to keep it down. Yet as what always happens I become plagued by the 'vomit nazis' in my head. ugh.

Vomiting with a throat infection is terrible. Pain wise and hygiene wise.

Anyway. Not much else is going on, had lots of 21st birthdays. Really in need of a rebound guy to get my mind off things. It is not getting easier!! It is sucking majorly!!

Pixie stix! Have not seen the cabaret trailer.. do you mean burlesque??
and everyone else, thanks for all the non-purging well wishes, I fucked it up on friday and many many times over the weekend unfortunately. But thanks anyways :P

x

A Miracle?

No kidding you I have lost two kilos in two days.. I don't even know how this happened, i guess the fact that I didn't binge is good. So this is what I ate yesterday:
B: 2 egg whites with a bit of pepper and sauce and a tomato
L: 2 rice thins
D: Satay Chicken wrap (ashamed to say partially purged)

*And heaps of water throughout the day
*Went to the gym both days and half hour walk (so nothing too strenuous)

Perhaps the fact that i am actually absorbing food lol and not throwing up everything? And that I am spacing it out to get my metabolism running?

My timetable at uni is starting to get busier which means I'll be with the same group of people for the whole day. Which in turn means friends will be watching me like hawks lol.

I texted the ex (i nearly said bf then..habit :( ) He still has so much stuff of mine, clothes shoes- shit I want back.

I have a box of our cards and movie tickets and all that shit that I will probably burn in the fire. LOL

scared..

just had one of the worst grey outs i've had in ages. I'm pretty much used to it cos I'm anaemic...but still scary...purging is getting worse...
sitting on the couch sipping vegetable soup. So dehydrated..need need need to keep this soup down, it was the reason I purged before in the first place. I'm back to not even keeping vegetables down.
Sometimes i manage to laugh at myself at how fucked up I am, I can even have a little chuckle on the way to the toilet, "Here we go again, ha ha ha." But I am not taking care of myself at all. This week has been worse then ever with the break up. Knew I'd fall to pieces.

Sex and the City is on tv. making me more depressed.

I wish I could just take a day off.... from everything...

In other news.. Saw Inception.
Blew my fucking mind.
dream within dreams within another dream gahhhh

Downer.

good three days. If you count purging every meal good. Haven't weighed myself so not sure. I am feeling so depressed lately, what with the boyfriend problems and general life. I would love to get into my brother's anti-depressants alas I will not. Trying to remain positive however aware I sound like a complete emo. Plus all the blogs I have been following seem to be slowing down a little bit. Where are you girls???!!!
stay strong.
x

ugh

i knew there would come a time when I fucked it up.
It started after my audition on wednesday, it was terrible, so so hard, i got depressed and immediately went for food, I had a HUGE binge, like ice cream, chips, lollies, block of chocolate. I thought i would absorb, but alas i had a freak out and purged until i couldnt speak. gross gross gross!! why do i do this???!??!?!?!?
So I vowed to myself I would get back on track, alas thurs and fri came and i had already fucked it up by eating normal meals, like pasta, heaps of dairy etc. It just makes me realise how much i love the feeling of being empty and light, full feels so unhealthy to me.
Saturday and sunday I had low calorie days, mainly cos i had a small binge but then purged and went without dinner. I don't want this to be the way things go, i hate bingeing and purging so so much, Wish i could just starve...

I need inspiration.
I read a post by Kemper today and it just summed up the way i feel. You should read it, at least i know there are people out there who feel the same way...

Where are my friends? Who are my true friends? I have 'friends' but i still get this intense alone feeling, Where is my life? I have no money, I have a shit degree, i haven't 'made it', my boyfriend and i are on the verge of ending things after nearly 5 years, my mum hates me, i am so so normal.
i hate normal.
i want to be better than that.

ugh

stay stronger than me
xx

feeling good!!

hey guys,
so iv had a great weekend!! I have had no social life ha, stayed at home and studied and pretty much lived in Pretty thin!! (we love it)
And today I have eaten one banana and one apple and a long black, woo. I feel so empty which i love the feeling of, god how i missed this. I have to eat little amounts cos i know if i start binging i'll feel the need to vomit and get into mia again, which is not good, mia makes me crazy and i tend to have mini breakdowns. ha. Don't get me wrong i still do it ughh, alot of the time i cant help it, as soon as the idea gets into my head i go nuts!!!
gahhh!
So iv started documenting my journey in photos for myself too, it's funny i found some i took during the lowest and although thinner i still feel gross.

Iv pretty much stocked up on jelly too!! I have such a sweet tooth i need it!!
Oh and some great news, i have an audition coming up for a big pro musical!! gahhhhh so thin i must get!!
stay strong!!
xx

I'm Baaaaaack.

blah blah.
So it has been a couple of weeks right? Well my grandpa died :( Which has sucked. We were all really close to him, my poor nan, but she is being so strong.
So i have been very destructive and unhealthy lately- bingeing, purging, over eating, under eating blah. I just need to get control and get back on track.
Any ideas?
A detox?
I don't know.
Anyways off to uni i go today. It's a busy time ahead.
stay strong.xx