Unicorn.

LOL

my mum freaked out. She thought that by fasting I meant fasting of junk food (which I have been vomiting up behind her back anyway). But no mum, fasting means nothing, zero, no food passing through these lips.

Anyway she freaked out. We managed to compromise- I'm gonna do the lemon detox(master cleanse). HAHA. I did it last year and it went pretty well. Lost 8kg in 9 days. Wow. Hoping to do that again!

I actually am scared of weighing myself, I'm assuming i may even be near my highest weight. ugh. This binge and purge cycle has been epically out of control. And have not been to the gym in weeks, my only exercise has been a walk sporadically and dance classes 2-3 times a week. Not good considering i used to be going to the gym every day. Sick joke.

disgusting.

I need help to get back on track!

My friends and I call amazing skinny girls unicorns- these girls are mythical creatures, who seem to have magical powers (of not eating and being babes) lol.

Need to get to unicorn status again.

help me girlies?

Detox begins tomorrow. I will give you all updates.

xoxox

Results.

thanks for the comments guys!! I don't actually say mate in my every day speak, I'm probs giving my fellow aussies a bad name hahaha!!!

No he wasn't from bondi rescue, those guys are cute but.

I binged/purged massively this morning. I am out of control. I think a big reason is, I am extremely run down at the moment and tired, it seems to be what I turn to. But then again, anything makes me purge these days.

So weigh in.... eeeep..

Am currently 64.2kg ( bmi : 20.4) massive. I have gained in like two days.

Friday I was 63.1 (20.1).

At the start of the week I was 65.7 (20.9)

I guess at least I am not where I started last week. Still feeling terrible but.

According to that website I told you last week I should be 64.8, so at least I haven't surpassed that. Next weight should be 63.5.

Feeling so sluggish!!

I think I'll do what Glue + Pieces suggested and get my nails done, maybe fake nails might deter me!!

Ok So like i said, please be brutal, please tell me to keep going, do whatever!! Be as mean as you like! I need to hear it!!

So this is my why I need to be thinner (thus meaning stop purging) list:

• I can throw on anything and not feel self-conscious
• I will feel healthier
• I will have more confidence and be more outgoing.
• I will get more auditions.
• I will have control over SOMETHING in my life.
• I will have more money- money spent on binges can go on other things.
• I don't want to be the fat cousin.
• I will feel more attractive.
• I won't be called curvaceous.
• I will be happier (I WAS happier when I was at my thinnest).
• I will set a good example to my overweight mother.

If you can think of anything else, please add.

12.22 am

I don't want to be bulimic anymore. Can I just not today? Can it just be a matter of simple choice, like wearing these pants instead of those. Can it be a "shot-gun not"? Can I play the part of the anorexic instead of the bulimic now? Oh please cast me please!?

I want to be full of emptiness.

I don't want to be full-empty-full-empty-full-empty-full-empty.full.fat.

I don't. The only way I will stop this is if I don't eat. or die. The second sometimes seems easier.

I think about it. I wouldn't though.

What am I talking about here. Excuse me but my electrolytes are out of whack.

Maybe I'll be back in action tomorrow.

Agh tomorrow. a new day. also monday. Monday equals weigh in. Public humiliation.

Bring it on.

I need a beating.

I wonder If I would stop purging if I chopped my purge fingers off. Nah. I'd probably shove something else down there.

Upside:I had an amazing weekend. I kissed a boy. A life gaurd. That's so australian maaaaaaaate.

I'm fucked.

So I know i said I would fast today... but today i just don't have the willpower. failed already. Had a breakfast binge and have already purged. I swear i sped-ate everything, I was finished eating and purging in half an hour. Gosh i disgust myself.

Anyway, I lay awake last night and thought of all of the moments in my life where I had an 'issue' with my weight, I could not go to sleep. Here are a few which had stuck with me.

9 years old: My friend and I compared how much room we had left on the side of our chairs where our thighs were. She claimed to have won, I went home, cried and began a 'diet' of fruit smoothies lol. Interesting to note that she is AT LEAST ten kg fatter then me now.

11 years old: My then 'boyfriend' said that the boys from the other school said I was too skinny to be 'sexy'. I had a fight with him because he wouldn't tell me that I wasn't too skinny-he seemingly agreed with them. I KNEW that i wasn't too skinny, I thought i was fat for godsake. LOL

13 years old: I was walking down the street ahead of my parents in this new skirt I had gotten- tight around the butt and flared out from the mid thigh- and my mum called out from behind me and said "You're looking alot bigger around the hips these days, have you been sneaking food?" FYI- i had not been sneaking food, eating less because i was terrified of this thing called puberty which was giving me a butt.

14 years old: About to go out for lunch with the family. My parents were waiting for me in the car. I was trying on all these outfits in my wardrobe getting increasingly stressed because I thought EVERYTHING made me look fat. I began having something similar to a panic attack, crying and feeling dizzy because I was unable to breathe. Something clicked and I walked like a zombie to the bathroom, lifted up the toilet seat and shoved my fingers down my throat. Keep in mind I was always terrified of vomiting as a child, so it's quite funny really, from that moment i got over that fear. I was very naive about it back then- I mean trying to vomit breakfast two hours after eating it. Thank god I 'worked it out'. :P

From then on I would vomit meals, I don't really remember much about when i worked out I could binge and purge too. That all seems a bit hazy.

anyway... no uni today. home alone.................... :O

Have a good day babes
xx

Tomorrow.

wishing, hoping that tomorrow will be better. that i WILL do this tomorrow.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ugh ugh ugh ughhhhhhhhh I do not deserve any good fortune. not after the way i have fattened up in the last four days. I have eaten like a 'normal' person. Three meals, snacks, deserts. ugh. What happened to me. How did I let this happen. I am terrified to weigh myself, i feel so so bloated and can feel the extra food heaps around my stomach. I have an important party in 5 sleeps... do u reckon i can fast for four days??? I need to get myself back in that mind set i dunno what happened to me.
Will I ever succeed.
It is looking unlikely.
Ugh.
PLease inspire meeeeeeeeeeeeee