fuck

Since I have been gone:

*b/p nearly every day again.

*discovered my neighbour, a girl who went to my school, who is a year younger then me is bulimic, she look's amazing but. Bitch haha. I wish we were friends.

*Gained i'm pretty fucking sure.

*been so fucking busy with shows and uni cbnhwiofbhilabfhilb

*debating what the fuck to do with my life next year. Since I graduate this year and all.

*getting tested for glandular (i think some of you may call it mono)- my immune system has gone to shit. Praying it's not glandular I don't have time to be bedridden!!!!!!

fuck fuck fuck fuck- my swearing is on high today haaaaaaa

miss you babes,

cannot wait till my life starts again so i can post more frequently.

Sorry Babes!!

So I know I have been a bit absent!

Well it's because my mum came home with this kitten the other day lol.

We haven't named him yet- any ideas??

But he has the funniest personality! Very curious, lots of energy and affectionate! He is fascinated by lap tops lol and always tries to get into bed with everyone (slut ;) ) haha

It does feel kinda early to get a new cat after Shadow, and I kinda cracked it at my mum. She explained that my brother (who is doing his final high school exams atm (vce)) needs something to gets his mind off things and help him relax- so if it helps him I'm happy!

Other then that I have been super busy at uni- rehearsals, photo shoots blah blah.

I'm going to weigh in tomorrow (friday)! Food wise I have been doing well, throwing up a bit again (ugh), and I gained after last weeks binge, so fucked up alot of my good work!! grrrr.

This weekend is a big one for australians- we have the football grand final lol. Which means lots of alcohol and bbq's and all kinds of scary food ha. Planning on eating a 'normal' diet calorie intake (1200). I figure if I do this, i might avoid a binge. Fingers crossed!!

Help me name my kitty!!!!!!!!

love u!!

xoxox

Results.

thanks for the comments guys!! I don't actually say mate in my every day speak, I'm probs giving my fellow aussies a bad name hahaha!!!

No he wasn't from bondi rescue, those guys are cute but.

I binged/purged massively this morning. I am out of control. I think a big reason is, I am extremely run down at the moment and tired, it seems to be what I turn to. But then again, anything makes me purge these days.

So weigh in.... eeeep..

Am currently 64.2kg ( bmi : 20.4) massive. I have gained in like two days.

Friday I was 63.1 (20.1).

At the start of the week I was 65.7 (20.9)

I guess at least I am not where I started last week. Still feeling terrible but.

According to that website I told you last week I should be 64.8, so at least I haven't surpassed that. Next weight should be 63.5.

Feeling so sluggish!!

I think I'll do what Glue + Pieces suggested and get my nails done, maybe fake nails might deter me!!

Ok So like i said, please be brutal, please tell me to keep going, do whatever!! Be as mean as you like! I need to hear it!!

So this is my why I need to be thinner (thus meaning stop purging) list:

• I can throw on anything and not feel self-conscious
• I will feel healthier
• I will have more confidence and be more outgoing.
• I will get more auditions.
• I will have control over SOMETHING in my life.
• I will have more money- money spent on binges can go on other things.
• I don't want to be the fat cousin.
• I will feel more attractive.
• I won't be called curvaceous.
• I will be happier (I WAS happier when I was at my thinnest).
• I will set a good example to my overweight mother.

If you can think of anything else, please add.

12.22 am

I don't want to be bulimic anymore. Can I just not today? Can it just be a matter of simple choice, like wearing these pants instead of those. Can it be a "shot-gun not"? Can I play the part of the anorexic instead of the bulimic now? Oh please cast me please!?

I want to be full of emptiness.

I don't want to be full-empty-full-empty-full-empty-full-empty.full.fat.

I don't. The only way I will stop this is if I don't eat. or die. The second sometimes seems easier.

I think about it. I wouldn't though.

What am I talking about here. Excuse me but my electrolytes are out of whack.

Maybe I'll be back in action tomorrow.

Agh tomorrow. a new day. also monday. Monday equals weigh in. Public humiliation.

Bring it on.

I need a beating.

I wonder If I would stop purging if I chopped my purge fingers off. Nah. I'd probably shove something else down there.

Upside:I had an amazing weekend. I kissed a boy. A life gaurd. That's so australian maaaaaaaate.

I'm fucked.

Let's go all the way tonight!!!!

thanks to all you beautiful creatures for the lovely words!!

It went well, I was an ice queen with him- remained totally calm, mysterious and aloof. I think I looked pretty good too ;) :). Hopefully he was kicking himself. Strutted away from the car when he dropped me off (Beyonce- Diva was the theme song in my head lol) i was fierce, talk about female empowerment/girl power lol.

The night wasn't as crazy as I hoped, no meeting of any hot/nice boys, but it was fun none the less.

I had MULTIPLE hangover binges/purges over Sunday, so I've gained a tiny bit from that, but I'm not TOO concerned. Nothing a day of restricting can't fix.

Pretty excited for this week. A group of my friends and I are booking a swanky hotel at a casino in the city- planning on getting dressed up, getting drunk, going out clubbing, gambling, whatever other crazy stuff we feel like doing! And then bailing on uni the next day!

fingers crossed this is me on wednesday :P

Today:
double choc chip cookies: purged.
3 strawberries.

So it's 4.30 so still have the rest of the night to get through.

But feeling pretty chilled.

x

fatty fat fat fat

I have been so fat yesterday and today, pretty sure I would have gained. ughh.
Planning on fasting for two days to lose the mountain of weight i have put on.
Got so drunk on the weekend, I did not even make it to the club..lol. what a joke I am. Friends found me vomiting pizza....tried to lie...don't know what they believe now. The found scars on my knuckles on my right hand... pretty much says it all...

so yes NOT EATING FOR TWO DAYS... AT LEAST... i am so ashamed that i could throw everything away in two days.... I was losing really well.

Hating break up life... i swear to god- "riding solo" and "single ladies" are stalking me everywhere i go... ugh


miss you all!!!!
xx