So I know i said I would fast today... but today i just don't have the willpower. failed already. Had a breakfast binge and have already purged. I swear i sped-ate everything, I was finished eating and purging in half an hour. Gosh i disgust myself.

Anyway, I lay awake last night and thought of all of the moments in my life where I had an 'issue' with my weight, I could not go to sleep. Here are a few which had stuck with me.

9 years old: My friend and I compared how much room we had left on the side of our chairs where our thighs were. She claimed to have won, I went home, cried and began a 'diet' of fruit smoothies lol. Interesting to note that she is AT LEAST ten kg fatter then me now.

11 years old: My then 'boyfriend' said that the boys from the other school said I was too skinny to be 'sexy'. I had a fight with him because he wouldn't tell me that I wasn't too skinny-he seemingly agreed with them. I KNEW that i wasn't too skinny, I thought i was fat for godsake. LOL

13 years old: I was walking down the street ahead of my parents in this new skirt I had gotten- tight around the butt and flared out from the mid thigh- and my mum called out from behind me and said "You're looking alot bigger around the hips these days, have you been sneaking food?" FYI- i had not been sneaking food, eating less because i was terrified of this thing called puberty which was giving me a butt.

14 years old: About to go out for lunch with the family. My parents were waiting for me in the car. I was trying on all these outfits in my wardrobe getting increasingly stressed because I thought EVERYTHING made me look fat. I began having something similar to a panic attack, crying and feeling dizzy because I was unable to breathe. Something clicked and I walked like a zombie to the bathroom, lifted up the toilet seat and shoved my fingers down my throat. Keep in mind I was always terrified of vomiting as a child, so it's quite funny really, from that moment i got over that fear. I was very naive about it back then- I mean trying to vomit breakfast two hours after eating it. Thank god I 'worked it out'. :P

From then on I would vomit meals, I don't really remember much about when i worked out I could binge and purge too. That all seems a bit hazy.

anyway... no uni today. home alone.................... :O

Have a good day babes
xx