i heart water & pepsi max

In bed. 11.30pm. Fasting complete. Thank god sleep is near cos I am about ready to chew my hand off. I have survived with a ton of water and pepsi max. I am finding that I am semi-curing my cravings by surfing foodporndaily.com and thisiswhyyouarefat.com. Weird. I am being plagued by evil binge thoughts... I just want some bread.....and ice cream........and cake... and chocolate.and pastacheeseicingpizzanoodleslollieschipsbiscuitsdiqbfeibfhrewobhe.

THIS POSSIBLY COULD HAVE BEEN ME TODAY.

So the ex texts me today out the blue. It's been pretty much two weeks since I last spoke to him.

"Hey, random q just wondering if you have any x rated pics of me still on your phone? Hope your shows went well. xx"

ummm.wtf. this is what I am thinking..

1: YOU HAVE ALL THE PHOTOS OF ME. THERE R NONE OF U. DO NOT RELEASE/PLEASE DELETE THE PHOTOS OF ME. I DO NOT WANT TO BE THE NEXT VANESSA HUDGENS.

2:YOU KNOW THIS. YOU ARE CLEARLY MAKING UP A REASON TO TEXT ME.

3:IF U PAID ANY ATTENTION TO MY LIFE YOU WOULD KNOW MY SHOWS AREN'T ON TILL OCTOBER.

4: "XX???????" EFF YOU.

I'm lucky I didn't eat the entire university cafe after that little drama.

bah. Just when things start getting clearer he fucking pops up and brings me back down again.

Anyways I'm actually in a happier mood then I was before (believe it or not).

Weekend is shaping up to be fun- bestie from Sydney is coming down for the weekend to party it up!!

How did all you girls go with your fasting/days in general?

xx

NEED.

fat weekend.
Not much to report other then I ate like a 'normal person'+ purges. Which automatically makes me hate life. lol.

I've been thinking lately that I really need to evaluate what I'm doing in my life. I finish my degree this year. I really need to take advice of my agent and put myself out there. I need to stop spending money on binges and spend money on my future and marketing myself better. Which means;
*new clothes frequently
*hair coloured frequently
*teeth fixed (they are straight just my two front teeth are a tad longer then the others- plus they aren't pearly whites because of the purging.
*new headshots/show reel/studio time

Mia makes me so weak and lazy, I wish I could starve starve starve. Which is a terribly thing to wish I know. So many of you girls are struggling and here I am wishing this. Ugh.

I get angry with myself- I have these mini realisations all the time, and my motivation lasts for a while, then comes and goes in bursts. Don't get me wrong my motivation to perform is always there, it's just my crazy fucked up thoughts that get in the way.
I need to stop being so fucking lazy. I have all these people who believe in me, sometimes I feel like I am throwing it all away, I just get so overwhelmed in my eating/emotions and being a drama queen. I need a change. My teacher is helping me get into acting/music schools/agencies in London. I need to get out of my little bubble.

I need to make realistic goals. I aim to lose 5 kg by the start of October. Which is completely realistic- pretty much an amount anyone could lose healthily. 5 kg at least by then. I wont be doing it the 'standard' way. I'm not talking about recovery here. I'm talking about *fingers crossed* stopping binges, not purging multiple times a day, restricting and exercising more.
Exercise will be gym 5 days a week still in combo with daily 8 minute abs and buns. And of course my standard movement/dance/flex classes.



I think I will try giving you girls weekly weigh ins, hopefully this 'public humiliation' will motivate me to not fail. Lol. Starting the following week. You all have permission to shame me if I fail hideously.

I think I'll fast one day a week also. If anyone ever wants to join, let me know and we can blog/chat about it together.

Ugh AND just as I thought I was getting over everything The Script release this new song which pretty much could be called Ava-Rose's recent break up.

PS- I need a shag. haha.