fuckmyballs

was going sooo well until...

I've been feeling sick again so i figured an early night would be wise- tonight my plan was this: gym, ab/butt work, bed with electric blanket, september issue and coco avant chanel on my lap top (in bed) and 45 calorie hot choc + 5 fat free marshmallows. Well-5 turned into the whole packet.

Thought fuck this, went and ate 6 biscuits washed down with a glass of milk.

Just purged everything. ughhhhhhhhh. I was doing so well, hadn't vomited in a while either. At least it wasn't a huge huge binge I suppose (for those thinking that's a pretty huge fucking binge..think again. I have known myself to have 6 pieces of toast, half a tub of ice cream, chocolate, lollies- anything you can think of in just one sitting). Anyways before that I had had 300 calories.

Oh god.

So I live at home right- which has it's positives and negatives- + save money. - not as much freedom.

Mother pays for my medical bills etc. She says to me today, oh I am booking you in to the dentist in a couple of weeks. fuck fuck fuck fuck noooooooooo.

Bulimic's worst nightmare... I haven't been to the dentist for a couple of years (shocking i know)- he never said anything then, but since then I have been gradually worse and worse with the rate in which I vomit. Ughh. Really concerned about splash patterns. Do not want to explain this again to my parents. Does anyone know about splash patterns and bulimia? How long they take to become apparent?

Regards to the ex- I texted back pretty bluntly along the lines of: "no. I have no photos. I'll be sure to remember your well wishes in three months time when my shows are actually on."

bitchy, but I could have been MUCH worse. 'tevs. He texted back and said "Thanks, wasn't sure just wanted to check. I'm really happy to be back home, had a great time in NZ but.xx"

ummm.

1: I never asked you about your trip/how it went etc etc.

2:Do not care.blah blah blah blah blah

3: "xx"...reallllllllyyyyyyy?

NOT REPLYING TO HIS MSG. I actually don't feel the need to. Plus I have enough clarity now that I know it is not good for me to do so.

Oh god. So Today one of my bi friends offered to have sex with me. Lol. I wouldn't just because I am not attracted to him in the slightest. But I just thought it was funny, offering himself- I must clearly look like i need some action. I asked him how he would get me into bed... his response was something like this: "I'd take you out, buy you lots of drinks. We would sneak off to the bathroom and do everything but sex, and when you are really wanting it I'll go call us a cab. We get in the cab have a nice chat and then i tell the driver to pull over and we have a go at it on the freeway."

lol nope. no thanks, he said that's how he gets the guys...

hahaha we had a good laugh about it. i.e- a nice chat in the cab?? lol, sex on the side of the freeway??

He got the drinks part right tho- I turn into a horny minx as soon as I 've had a few drinks.

But since we are on the topic, would you have sex with a guy who had been with guys before/who is bi? I haven't...not sureeeeeee if I would. But definitely no judging if you have/would.

Anyways off to finish watching The September Issue.

oh, and I live nearish chadstone! Toorak is beautiful!!

lol how all my posts have been sex related. Hope noone is offended :P

x

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Pixiestix is back! Yayyyyy I have missed her blogging!! In answer to the question about singing: I have sung, acted all my life, I got an agent a few years back so I have gotten a fair bit of professional work now, which is great :)

I am going to fast this thursday! Who ever wants to join can!! I think i'll change the day i fast every week, just to keep it interesting. Feeling motivated by the public humiliation. Seriously you girls keep me in check haha. Whoever wants to do this can, we can start our own little routine ;)

Also reading a post on PrettyThin and was excited by this website: http://losertown.org/eats/cal.php
It tells you week by week what your weight would be depending on your exercise/calorie limit. Judging by this, If I continue to exercise 3-5 times a week and eat 800 cals, I'll be down to my tentative goal weight of 50kg(bmi 16) as opposed to current 21 (bleurgh) by November. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. I thought 800 cals was more than reasonable, I wouldn't eat that every day but I guess it allows for any fuck ups.

I haven't vomited/binged all day. I've had about 400 calories, been to the gym and done 8 minute abs and buns.

Still no sign of the sex drought ending... haha. I have potentials (guys showing interest) but I'm being picky, they just don't get me excited below the belt lawl!!!!! Plus they are being too keen. And I hate that. I like some mystery.
I had a sex dream the other night about the guy in the Katy Perry- teenage dream film clip. hahah the closest i am getting to the peen atm is in my dreams.
This is him if you don't know what I am talking about:




But seriously girls, we can do this!!!! We can be what we all dream of being. And we are going to do it together.

LAME.

HAHA.
But seriously :P

xx

NEED.

fat weekend.
Not much to report other then I ate like a 'normal person'+ purges. Which automatically makes me hate life. lol.

I've been thinking lately that I really need to evaluate what I'm doing in my life. I finish my degree this year. I really need to take advice of my agent and put myself out there. I need to stop spending money on binges and spend money on my future and marketing myself better. Which means;
*new clothes frequently
*hair coloured frequently
*teeth fixed (they are straight just my two front teeth are a tad longer then the others- plus they aren't pearly whites because of the purging.
*new headshots/show reel/studio time

Mia makes me so weak and lazy, I wish I could starve starve starve. Which is a terribly thing to wish I know. So many of you girls are struggling and here I am wishing this. Ugh.

I get angry with myself- I have these mini realisations all the time, and my motivation lasts for a while, then comes and goes in bursts. Don't get me wrong my motivation to perform is always there, it's just my crazy fucked up thoughts that get in the way.
I need to stop being so fucking lazy. I have all these people who believe in me, sometimes I feel like I am throwing it all away, I just get so overwhelmed in my eating/emotions and being a drama queen. I need a change. My teacher is helping me get into acting/music schools/agencies in London. I need to get out of my little bubble.

I need to make realistic goals. I aim to lose 5 kg by the start of October. Which is completely realistic- pretty much an amount anyone could lose healthily. 5 kg at least by then. I wont be doing it the 'standard' way. I'm not talking about recovery here. I'm talking about *fingers crossed* stopping binges, not purging multiple times a day, restricting and exercising more.
Exercise will be gym 5 days a week still in combo with daily 8 minute abs and buns. And of course my standard movement/dance/flex classes.



I think I will try giving you girls weekly weigh ins, hopefully this 'public humiliation' will motivate me to not fail. Lol. Starting the following week. You all have permission to shame me if I fail hideously.

I think I'll fast one day a week also. If anyone ever wants to join, let me know and we can blog/chat about it together.

Ugh AND just as I thought I was getting over everything The Script release this new song which pretty much could be called Ava-Rose's recent break up.

PS- I need a shag. haha.

Lalalalalaaa

So. I'm sitting here drinking plain sparkling water to calm my stomach. Yes just purged ugh. My breakfast-Oats, ugh I'm back to throwing up healthy meals now. Bah!
Watching the O.c. Ryan and Marissa, what a beautiful couple. Mischa back in the day-amazing thinspo!!!! And it is riddled with future twilight stars too.
And I have rekindled my love affair with Seth Cohen. sigh.
Anyway my plan is to loose ten kg by the time i get back to uni.July 19. I think it's poss. I don't have much energy these days but. I'm thinking maybe diet pills, up my intake on diet red bull? Anyone ideas?
So two issues that are plaguing me currently:
1:Have not had my period in a couple of months. It's quite fun really. One less thing to stress about. But unfortunately it wont be because I am underweight, cos I have like 3 kg before that is the case.
2:I have turned into this sex crazed nymph. But this always happens to me when my ed goes haywire.. fun times. Too bad I haven't seen the bf in a week and it will be a few days till i see him again. gahh.
So really not much to be plagued over, but that is what's going on. Can't wait till I am officially on holidays!!
xxx