NEED.

fat weekend.
Not much to report other then I ate like a 'normal person'+ purges. Which automatically makes me hate life. lol.

I've been thinking lately that I really need to evaluate what I'm doing in my life. I finish my degree this year. I really need to take advice of my agent and put myself out there. I need to stop spending money on binges and spend money on my future and marketing myself better. Which means;
*new clothes frequently
*hair coloured frequently
*teeth fixed (they are straight just my two front teeth are a tad longer then the others- plus they aren't pearly whites because of the purging.
*new headshots/show reel/studio time

Mia makes me so weak and lazy, I wish I could starve starve starve. Which is a terribly thing to wish I know. So many of you girls are struggling and here I am wishing this. Ugh.

I get angry with myself- I have these mini realisations all the time, and my motivation lasts for a while, then comes and goes in bursts. Don't get me wrong my motivation to perform is always there, it's just my crazy fucked up thoughts that get in the way.
I need to stop being so fucking lazy. I have all these people who believe in me, sometimes I feel like I am throwing it all away, I just get so overwhelmed in my eating/emotions and being a drama queen. I need a change. My teacher is helping me get into acting/music schools/agencies in London. I need to get out of my little bubble.

I need to make realistic goals. I aim to lose 5 kg by the start of October. Which is completely realistic- pretty much an amount anyone could lose healthily. 5 kg at least by then. I wont be doing it the 'standard' way. I'm not talking about recovery here. I'm talking about *fingers crossed* stopping binges, not purging multiple times a day, restricting and exercising more.
Exercise will be gym 5 days a week still in combo with daily 8 minute abs and buns. And of course my standard movement/dance/flex classes.



I think I will try giving you girls weekly weigh ins, hopefully this 'public humiliation' will motivate me to not fail. Lol. Starting the following week. You all have permission to shame me if I fail hideously.

I think I'll fast one day a week also. If anyone ever wants to join, let me know and we can blog/chat about it together.

Ugh AND just as I thought I was getting over everything The Script release this new song which pretty much could be called Ava-Rose's recent break up.

PS- I need a shag. haha.

Let's go all the way tonight!!!!

thanks to all you beautiful creatures for the lovely words!!

It went well, I was an ice queen with him- remained totally calm, mysterious and aloof. I think I looked pretty good too ;) :). Hopefully he was kicking himself. Strutted away from the car when he dropped me off (Beyonce- Diva was the theme song in my head lol) i was fierce, talk about female empowerment/girl power lol.

The night wasn't as crazy as I hoped, no meeting of any hot/nice boys, but it was fun none the less.

I had MULTIPLE hangover binges/purges over Sunday, so I've gained a tiny bit from that, but I'm not TOO concerned. Nothing a day of restricting can't fix.

Pretty excited for this week. A group of my friends and I are booking a swanky hotel at a casino in the city- planning on getting dressed up, getting drunk, going out clubbing, gambling, whatever other crazy stuff we feel like doing! And then bailing on uni the next day!

fingers crossed this is me on wednesday :P

Today:
double choc chip cookies: purged.
3 strawberries.

So it's 4.30 so still have the rest of the night to get through.

But feeling pretty chilled.

x

Nearly Holidays!!!!

so since i last posted i completed a two day water fast to get me back on track! I feel heaps better, and am back to around 300 cals a day and my lower weight, funny how regardless of how much crap i ate i got back down to it so easily. I shouldn't take that for granted but. sO I had a meeting with my agent, who told me that I have improved heaps, alas I have to lose weight to have a continual place on tv and film. Well duh. As if I didn't know that already.
So here I am back to restricting. ho hum. I need to break this plateau of 60kg, i can't seem to shift from there.
Holidays are coming up and I am terrified i will let myself go! Of course I want it to use it to really focus and come back from hols as a new improved 'me'. Who knows!
The boyfriend and i are meeting today to discuss if we need to break up or not. ugh. Haven't seen him in nearly 3 weeks. I miss him, but at the same time i hate him right now.
xx

62.

So i am back to 62 yay. That didn't really take much to get back on track after my crazy 'normal' eating patterns!!!
This weekend is going to be pretty social, so i'm hoping food wont become the better of me!
Had my dance class yesterday...everyone was so thin and beautiful. I wish I had a toned terrific dancers body!!
Anyway, i think i work well when i have an event in sight that i want to be at a goal weight for- atm i have heaps of 21st's of childhood friends i haven't seen in ages...so that is pretty much my inspiration- i would like to be 60 or under by the first one coming up-may 22. So we shall see how that goes. I usually look forward to a day off as well (which i know is bad, but it's just how i get thru). So it will probably be when my cousin comes to stay on the 23rd of may. So like a week and a half of restriction then a day off. I'm usually having about 200-300 calories per day, eating alot of vegies and fruit. I'm definitely getting results.
Anyway... uni now!
xx