What a waste of a day on my last week of holidays. Today I sat around on the net, or reading Wasted, or watching the Bachelor on tv. Very lazy day indeed.
I'm so surprised i have only had the one binge/purge sesh today- as soon as I woke up. I have been home alone for the whole day and somehow managed to control myself. It's 5.15pm here and dinner will be soon, but I'm not worried about that. I already know I will scoff down my meal and race to do the dishes (like a good daughter does-not because I want to but because they are more likely to let me race off to 'shower' straight after dinner).
It is there that I will turn on the water in the basin, turn on the water in the shower and turn on the fan (cos even the smallest amount of extra noise can muffle my gagging). It's always a race against time to vomit everything whilst the shower is still running, then to fit in a shower before my parents bang on the bathroom door that we are under water restrictions and that my 'shower' has been too long. I won't flush until I am out of the shower- what would they think if they hear the shower running and the toilet flush at the same time? It always shocks me when i stumble out of the shower, 'high' on purging, see my food glaring back at me from the toilet bowl. Flush Flush flush.
Intake so far:
45 calorie h/c
Yesterday was easily solved with the friends coming over. We ordered bbq chicken pizza. Purged but with slight difficulty- I was so excited to eat it I barely chewed, therefore found myself choking on whole pieces of chicken on the way up.
So as you can see, restricting never really agrees with me, I knew it wouldn't be long until I lapsed completely into purging every day again. On a plus note, i've lost at least a kilo in like a day and a half (3 pounds'ish??) So at least not back to my starting weight after my recent gains but hovering under 65.
Tomorrow i have decided to fast along with one of the girls whose blog I follow Jess-anyone on the earth.
Other than this i am feeling surprising good, not depressed or anything, in control and relatively calm. A little poor from my binges :P But satisfied.
I have the same issues with junk food but am not such an avid purger. I am still scared of being found out, as I am super novice and always make the "bleahh" sounds when purging, haha.
ReplyDeleteI hate the "you should model" thing because you know you're overweight by fashion industry standards but the comment is such a carrot-on-a-stick temptation. That's been big for me.
I hope you brushed your teeth well and chewed lots of gum to keep yourself healthy!
xxxooo Eva
PS: what are you involved with in the performing arts scene?
ReplyDeleteI sometimes forget to chew things well, but it is something I've actually been working on so that it takes me longer to eat, to savor the food more, & in some instances, in order to have an easier time purging. Plus not choking & stuff, lol.
ReplyDeletelol Iv been purging for so long that I have almost become 'pro' if you like- not as loud as I used to be! Apparently brushing straight after is the worst!! Bicarb soda gargle then wait to brush until later!!
ReplyDeleteThe modelling thing sucks big time Huh?!! It's just always in the back of my mind, if it wasn't for puberty all those years ago, i would have been fine :P
I do alot of singing and musical theatre, and tv/film work :)
Emry- I wish I could learn to savour!! I just shovel :P