restless.

I am being reckless. I am going out too much, drinking too much, eating too little, vomiting too much (alcohol and self-induced), sleeping too little. Last night I had my ex' 21st. He has a girlfriend, and he was being so inappropriately flirtatious. I was flirting back but not to the extent of his advances. I would hate to be his girlfriend. If he wasn't with her at the moment I would probably go there for old times sake, but no nothing more.
Anyway I found myself drunk, half nude hooking up with one of my girlfriends in the bathroom. I had all these ideas of taking off my clothes and running through the lawns of the reception centre, or taking some drugs and lying on the grass under the stars. I am plagued by this need to do something 'fucked up'. Not for attention...More just a want to feel something more. A thrill. I ended the night having a dnm with the ex' older brother. Nice guy. Cute. He probed about my non-existant love life and gave me some advice. I am getting nothing off my boyfriend now. Haven't seen him in weeks. We text fight every day. I drunk text him. I miss him. I text and tell him that but he never tells me that he does. He says he doesn't want to break up but he doesn't see it working out. ughh. I honestly don't know what to do. I am terrified of life without him. Although that's how it has been lately anyway. I need so much more then what he is giving me. I'm not clingy, I go out all the time without him. I don't think I'm asking too much.

To break up or not.

Big question.

Food wise, yeah no restricting. Just vomiting. ughh. wish I was a restricter.