so since i last posted i completed a two day water fast to get me back on track! I feel heaps better, and am back to around 300 cals a day and my lower weight, funny how regardless of how much crap i ate i got back down to it so easily. I shouldn't take that for granted but. sO I had a meeting with my agent, who told me that I have improved heaps, alas I have to lose weight to have a continual place on tv and film. Well duh. As if I didn't know that already.
So here I am back to restricting. ho hum. I need to break this plateau of 60kg, i can't seem to shift from there.
Holidays are coming up and I am terrified i will let myself go! Of course I want it to use it to really focus and come back from hols as a new improved 'me'. Who knows!
The boyfriend and i are meeting today to discuss if we need to break up or not. ugh. Haven't seen him in nearly 3 weeks. I miss him, but at the same time i hate him right now.
xx
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
ugh ugh ugh ughhhhhhhhh I do not deserve any good fortune. not after the way i have fattened up in the last four days. I have eaten like a 'normal' person. Three meals, snacks, deserts. ugh. What happened to me. How did I let this happen. I am terrified to weigh myself, i feel so so bloated and can feel the extra food heaps around my stomach. I have an important party in 5 sleeps... do u reckon i can fast for four days??? I need to get myself back in that mind set i dunno what happened to me.
Will I ever succeed.
It is looking unlikely.
Ugh.
PLease inspire meeeeeeeeeeeeee
Will I ever succeed.
It is looking unlikely.
Ugh.
PLease inspire meeeeeeeeeeeeee
Monday, May 17, 2010
Plateau
ughh.
So i think i'm going through a plateau. Probably cos I am religiously eating 250-300 calories per day. I know i need to pump up my metab but I'm a bit scared that if i eat a bit more, it will work to my disadvantage. Plus my cousin is coming over on friday to hang out, which means lots of junk food. I'm planning on just starving all day and hopefully the binge wont be anymore than 800. I couldn't stand to eat any more than that right now. And haven't in a while actually. hmmm. So my cousin is one of those girls who are naturally super skinny. But i mean I don't want that, i like the way skinny looks when you have to make more of an effort. :P Anyway i know she will prob come around with all manner of chocolate and icecreams- i told her about my probable break up and that was her answer. Ugh she knows me too well. Love myself a good binge. ha.
How long will this plateau last??!!!!??? It's killing me. I'm worried i'll slip up. I thrive on success. I need some in the next few days!! I am also going to a 21st on saturday where there will be people there from primary school. gah So a bit of a reunion. Planning on looking like a fierce fox ha.
Anyway, stay strong!xx
So i think i'm going through a plateau. Probably cos I am religiously eating 250-300 calories per day. I know i need to pump up my metab but I'm a bit scared that if i eat a bit more, it will work to my disadvantage. Plus my cousin is coming over on friday to hang out, which means lots of junk food. I'm planning on just starving all day and hopefully the binge wont be anymore than 800. I couldn't stand to eat any more than that right now. And haven't in a while actually. hmmm. So my cousin is one of those girls who are naturally super skinny. But i mean I don't want that, i like the way skinny looks when you have to make more of an effort. :P Anyway i know she will prob come around with all manner of chocolate and icecreams- i told her about my probable break up and that was her answer. Ugh she knows me too well. Love myself a good binge. ha.
How long will this plateau last??!!!!??? It's killing me. I'm worried i'll slip up. I thrive on success. I need some in the next few days!! I am also going to a 21st on saturday where there will be people there from primary school. gah So a bit of a reunion. Planning on looking like a fierce fox ha.
Anyway, stay strong!xx
Saturday, May 15, 2010
blah blah blah
So i went to a strip club last night! lol.
It was actually fun...and not to mention great thinspo. Watching these super skinny superhuman women do their thing on the pole is enough to make anyone self-conscious. Great bodies but some ugly faces though.
Anyway.
I'm just over 61 today... which is pretty cool considering i went out last night and drank a shit load! No getting complacent But hey, my body is being good to me :)
I still haven't gotten my period ugh.. I'm hoping it's just cos i recently stopped taking the pill and my body is re-adjusting, rather then being pregnant or some shit.lol.
ughh The boyfriend and i have been fighting so much lately. Just about silly things, we are both naturally jealous people,yet tend to flirt alot with other people alot, which most of the time is the topic of fighting. I always get in stages during a fight where I am just like-"fuck you, don't need you." bUT then i think of something cute that he does, or a little trait of his that makes me love him and i change my mind. I dunno what to do. There is no point being in a relationship that has this many downs all the time, but i need to work out whether these issues are worth staying together.
We both don't agree with breaks, so if we end it, we end it for good, no contact no nothing. All the stress with him+uni+parents on my back+ lack of money+ auditions+ no success is not making me very hungry, i'm finding it pretty easy to restrict. I had a big cry this morning about the boyfriend, then about my body etc, and it just turned into this massive sook fest.ugh. I locked myself in my room, cried for a bit then made myself do the washing and clean my room to take my mind of this dumb life. Nothing like a good distraction.
Every day I range from about 200 up to 600 calories (most days are lower) but whatever i am doing, it seems to be working. I haven't really noticed too much of a difference in the 7kg iv lost, but my pants are looser etc.
anyway stay strong.
x
It was actually fun...and not to mention great thinspo. Watching these super skinny superhuman women do their thing on the pole is enough to make anyone self-conscious. Great bodies but some ugly faces though.
Anyway.
I'm just over 61 today... which is pretty cool considering i went out last night and drank a shit load! No getting complacent But hey, my body is being good to me :)
I still haven't gotten my period ugh.. I'm hoping it's just cos i recently stopped taking the pill and my body is re-adjusting, rather then being pregnant or some shit.lol.
ughh The boyfriend and i have been fighting so much lately. Just about silly things, we are both naturally jealous people,yet tend to flirt alot with other people alot, which most of the time is the topic of fighting. I always get in stages during a fight where I am just like-"fuck you, don't need you." bUT then i think of something cute that he does, or a little trait of his that makes me love him and i change my mind. I dunno what to do. There is no point being in a relationship that has this many downs all the time, but i need to work out whether these issues are worth staying together.
We both don't agree with breaks, so if we end it, we end it for good, no contact no nothing. All the stress with him+uni+parents on my back+ lack of money+ auditions+ no success is not making me very hungry, i'm finding it pretty easy to restrict. I had a big cry this morning about the boyfriend, then about my body etc, and it just turned into this massive sook fest.ugh. I locked myself in my room, cried for a bit then made myself do the washing and clean my room to take my mind of this dumb life. Nothing like a good distraction.
Every day I range from about 200 up to 600 calories (most days are lower) but whatever i am doing, it seems to be working. I haven't really noticed too much of a difference in the 7kg iv lost, but my pants are looser etc.
anyway stay strong.
x
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
62.
So i am back to 62 yay. That didn't really take much to get back on track after my crazy 'normal' eating patterns!!!
This weekend is going to be pretty social, so i'm hoping food wont become the better of me!
Had my dance class yesterday...everyone was so thin and beautiful. I wish I had a toned terrific dancers body!!
Anyway, i think i work well when i have an event in sight that i want to be at a goal weight for- atm i have heaps of 21st's of childhood friends i haven't seen in ages...so that is pretty much my inspiration- i would like to be 60 or under by the first one coming up-may 22. So we shall see how that goes. I usually look forward to a day off as well (which i know is bad, but it's just how i get thru). So it will probably be when my cousin comes to stay on the 23rd of may. So like a week and a half of restriction then a day off. I'm usually having about 200-300 calories per day, eating alot of vegies and fruit. I'm definitely getting results.
Anyway... uni now!
xx
This weekend is going to be pretty social, so i'm hoping food wont become the better of me!
Had my dance class yesterday...everyone was so thin and beautiful. I wish I had a toned terrific dancers body!!
Anyway, i think i work well when i have an event in sight that i want to be at a goal weight for- atm i have heaps of 21st's of childhood friends i haven't seen in ages...so that is pretty much my inspiration- i would like to be 60 or under by the first one coming up-may 22. So we shall see how that goes. I usually look forward to a day off as well (which i know is bad, but it's just how i get thru). So it will probably be when my cousin comes to stay on the 23rd of may. So like a week and a half of restriction then a day off. I'm usually having about 200-300 calories per day, eating alot of vegies and fruit. I'm definitely getting results.
Anyway... uni now!
xx
Sunday, May 9, 2010
ugh
i knew there would come a time when I fucked it up.
It started after my audition on wednesday, it was terrible, so so hard, i got depressed and immediately went for food, I had a HUGE binge, like ice cream, chips, lollies, block of chocolate. I thought i would absorb, but alas i had a freak out and purged until i couldnt speak. gross gross gross!! why do i do this???!??!?!?!?
So I vowed to myself I would get back on track, alas thurs and fri came and i had already fucked it up by eating normal meals, like pasta, heaps of dairy etc. It just makes me realise how much i love the feeling of being empty and light, full feels so unhealthy to me.
Saturday and sunday I had low calorie days, mainly cos i had a small binge but then purged and went without dinner. I don't want this to be the way things go, i hate bingeing and purging so so much, Wish i could just starve...
I need inspiration.
I read a post by Kemper today and it just summed up the way i feel. You should read it, at least i know there are people out there who feel the same way...
Where are my friends? Who are my true friends? I have 'friends' but i still get this intense alone feeling, Where is my life? I have no money, I have a shit degree, i haven't 'made it', my boyfriend and i are on the verge of ending things after nearly 5 years, my mum hates me, i am so so normal.
i hate normal.
i want to be better than that.
ugh
stay stronger than me
xx
It started after my audition on wednesday, it was terrible, so so hard, i got depressed and immediately went for food, I had a HUGE binge, like ice cream, chips, lollies, block of chocolate. I thought i would absorb, but alas i had a freak out and purged until i couldnt speak. gross gross gross!! why do i do this???!??!?!?!?
So I vowed to myself I would get back on track, alas thurs and fri came and i had already fucked it up by eating normal meals, like pasta, heaps of dairy etc. It just makes me realise how much i love the feeling of being empty and light, full feels so unhealthy to me.
Saturday and sunday I had low calorie days, mainly cos i had a small binge but then purged and went without dinner. I don't want this to be the way things go, i hate bingeing and purging so so much, Wish i could just starve...
I need inspiration.
I read a post by Kemper today and it just summed up the way i feel. You should read it, at least i know there are people out there who feel the same way...
Where are my friends? Who are my true friends? I have 'friends' but i still get this intense alone feeling, Where is my life? I have no money, I have a shit degree, i haven't 'made it', my boyfriend and i are on the verge of ending things after nearly 5 years, my mum hates me, i am so so normal.
i hate normal.
i want to be better than that.
ugh
stay stronger than me
xx
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