Let's go all the way tonight!!!!

thanks to all you beautiful creatures for the lovely words!!

It went well, I was an ice queen with him- remained totally calm, mysterious and aloof. I think I looked pretty good too ;) :). Hopefully he was kicking himself. Strutted away from the car when he dropped me off (Beyonce- Diva was the theme song in my head lol) i was fierce, talk about female empowerment/girl power lol.

The night wasn't as crazy as I hoped, no meeting of any hot/nice boys, but it was fun none the less.

I had MULTIPLE hangover binges/purges over Sunday, so I've gained a tiny bit from that, but I'm not TOO concerned. Nothing a day of restricting can't fix.

Pretty excited for this week. A group of my friends and I are booking a swanky hotel at a casino in the city- planning on getting dressed up, getting drunk, going out clubbing, gambling, whatever other crazy stuff we feel like doing! And then bailing on uni the next day!

fingers crossed this is me on wednesday :P

Today:
double choc chip cookies: purged.
3 strawberries.

So it's 4.30 so still have the rest of the night to get through.

But feeling pretty chilled.

x

food boys food boys food boys.

I had a tough day today.. talked to the ex about getting my stuff back. Meeting up on sat night before I go out which means will be *fingers crossed* looking some what impressive lol. It was just hard because it was the first time that we actually talked about the night we broke up. He expressed that he felt bad after what happened- story is- we broke up outside my house at about ten at night, he was crying, i was crying, and he got in his car to drive off as he saw me walk in the opposite direction (not to my house). I ended up roaming the streets crying for a few hours ha. I of course was pissed he didn't follow me, but i mean I knew he wouldn't. Anyway he tells me he has become reclusive since breaking up and hasn't been going out or anything just working. I've been doing the opposite: off the rails. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. lol.

I guess just talking to him again makes me miss him, plus the fact that we are giving everything back finally gives us no other reason to need to see each other. So it's just slightly frightening and new to me.

Hopefully I'll meet some nice fellas on the weekend ;)

ENOUGH OF BOY RANTING............

I read Wintergirls for the first time a few days back. I enjoyed it. I probably related to Wasted a bit more but. Lia's inner battle was definitely something that I identified with.

"My traitor fingers want that fudge. No, they don’t. They want a seven layer bar and some of those weird muffins and those pretzels. No, they do not. They want to squish the marshmallows and stuff them into my mouth. They will not."

Just having those moments where you are so torn between stuffing your face; and, killing yourself because you are simply thinking of stuffing your face.

Anyways my intake has been good lately.
Today I binged and purged on pancakes in the morning. ooops. (thank god my sore throat is going)
And I have eaten one sushi roll.

Going out for dinner tomorrow (italian), really really want to avoid purging for just one day if I can. Will try and order something light.

xxx

Going Cold Turkey

This weekend my purging body has turned against me. This weekend it made me extra puffy. It made me break out. It made me even more ghostly pale than normal. It made me particularly irritable. It made me nearly consider seeing my doctor. But I snapped out of that idea almost as soon as it occurred to me. I'm not ready for that shit.
I went out on the weekend and ending up having a communal purge with a fellow bulimic. Gross. Weird. And we found ourselves drunkenly sharing tips. Sickos lol.

Haven't talked to the ex in nearly two weeks(since we broke up), that's the longest in four years. Actually Killing me. I am doing the worst things to get my mind off it-smoking, bingeing, purging, facebooking, drinking, kissing gay boys. (ughh haven't found a straight one to kiss yet- i guess that's what u get for doing theatre). I really just want to cry my eyes out about it, but the only time i've been able to cry was when I have been drunk lol.

Miss u girls..

Oh and I am attempting to not binge/purge till saturday. I know I will probably still find myself purging dinner but I'm going to try one thing at a time.

so aims for this week:
1: No bingeing> (putting a stop to the binge/purge)
2:minimal calories 500ish- mainly fruit/veg
3:exercise everyday
4:water water water
5:vitamins

hmmm anything else??
Ps- I got a new scale. It weighs two kilos heavier... I don't know what is correct oh fuck... Planning on using scale for kilos lost rather than current weight- as don't know what to believe.

x




xx

fatty fat fat fat

I have been so fat yesterday and today, pretty sure I would have gained. ughh.
Planning on fasting for two days to lose the mountain of weight i have put on.
Got so drunk on the weekend, I did not even make it to the club..lol. what a joke I am. Friends found me vomiting pizza....tried to lie...don't know what they believe now. The found scars on my knuckles on my right hand... pretty much says it all...

so yes NOT EATING FOR TWO DAYS... AT LEAST... i am so ashamed that i could throw everything away in two days.... I was losing really well.

Hating break up life... i swear to god- "riding solo" and "single ladies" are stalking me everywhere i go... ugh


miss you all!!!!
xx

Motivated!

A pair of my new shoes :P
So yesterday I went shopping- either a motivator or a de motivator for me. This time DEFINITELY motivated me. You know those change rooms which have mirrors on every angle-SO YOU CAN'T ESCAPE YOUR REFLECTION??!! yes well that is what i experienced yesterday. GAH! Anyway besides from that little semi-terrifying experience of watching my fatty self change in and out of clothes, i managed to find 2 pairs of heels and a dress yay! Hey big spender!! ;)

Intake yesterday: Pad thai (purged)
Lol My mum tried to tell me that it was healthy... Is that some kind of sick joke mother????? It's like 6billion calories (pretty sure....) :P

Today i worked.....
Intake: lemon slice (purged)
otherwise nothing as yet...

So far it is 5pm. I'm about ready to go to a friends 21st. Wanting to get WASTED tonight.

ALSO i got back a short film i did about a year ago (I was probs 5 kg skinnier) and I looked sooooo much better on camera then I do now! Another motivator to keep going!!!

So Myself and another girl on Blogger Jess - http://escapevelocity-almost.blogspot.com/
will be doing a fast on Tuesday!! Yay anyone who wants to join in can- she has put up some good guidelines on this in one of her posts!! Check it Out!!!! ;)

xxx

restless.

I am being reckless. I am going out too much, drinking too much, eating too little, vomiting too much (alcohol and self-induced), sleeping too little. Last night I had my ex' 21st. He has a girlfriend, and he was being so inappropriately flirtatious. I was flirting back but not to the extent of his advances. I would hate to be his girlfriend. If he wasn't with her at the moment I would probably go there for old times sake, but no nothing more.
Anyway I found myself drunk, half nude hooking up with one of my girlfriends in the bathroom. I had all these ideas of taking off my clothes and running through the lawns of the reception centre, or taking some drugs and lying on the grass under the stars. I am plagued by this need to do something 'fucked up'. Not for attention...More just a want to feel something more. A thrill. I ended the night having a dnm with the ex' older brother. Nice guy. Cute. He probed about my non-existant love life and gave me some advice. I am getting nothing off my boyfriend now. Haven't seen him in weeks. We text fight every day. I drunk text him. I miss him. I text and tell him that but he never tells me that he does. He says he doesn't want to break up but he doesn't see it working out. ughh. I honestly don't know what to do. I am terrified of life without him. Although that's how it has been lately anyway. I need so much more then what he is giving me. I'm not clingy, I go out all the time without him. I don't think I'm asking too much.

To break up or not.

Big question.

Food wise, yeah no restricting. Just vomiting. ughh. wish I was a restricter.

Put me to bed.

Cannot sleep. Sleep is the only escape from food right now, and even it won't come.
I have spent the last 2 hours looking up photos on weheartit.com (great website if u haven't heard of it).
I cannot stop thinking about my boyfriend. (can i even call him that now?) Things r so screwed with me and him now. I need him.
I'm currently doing some stupid 48hr detox, which is making me feel so gross, who knows why i do water fasts all the time.
I am living for next wednesday when eclipse comes out lol. Allowing myself to be a bit out of control that day, otherwise till then restricting/fasting/exercising.
.....
...........
So I have a secret. Well a few people know. Anyway a year or so back I had a threesome with my friend and her boyfriend. Anywho her and I got drunk and went clubbing together this weekend passed. We talked about that night for the first time properly, to which she admitted that because of that night she now classifies herself as bisexual. So I turned someone. eep. Lol.
She also drunkenly asked what was 'wrong' with me. (Known me all through high-school) Said she always knew there was something wrong with me haha. I drunkenly told her about mia. Didn't go into massive detail, but she said she always knew anyways. It's weird knowing someone for that long I guess and not getting that close to them till years down the track. Odd.
Enough ramblings.
Shopping tomorrow. New dress for crazy uni end of semester party.
Love meeeee x