OK so yesterday, i screwed up a little, things started great in the morning- vitamins and the omlette, and then my mum decided to take me shopping. So the shopping center i go to is like one of the biggest in the southern hemisphere (or something similar) and you can imagine how much it takes out of you walking around for about 2 hours!! Anyways along came lunch time, and my mum was like "come on lets go grab some lunch", to which i panicked and started freaking out about how i could get out of this one. I tried the, :"errr, yeah not really hungry, I'll just grab something at home." Which she did not stand for. Anyways we found this nice little place that served up a vegetable broth so I just ordered that. That was the ok part. After shopping we went to visit my nan (keep in mind that i wagged all of yesterday ooops) at her place where she served up a coconut cake, and monte carlo biscuits. Gah well When i was on my way to my nans i swore I would not eat anything! Alas I'm a little liar. So i had a piece of the amazing cake, and two monte carlos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The cake was something like 300 cals.......and that is what i have been having daily!!!aghhhhfhwufnwupfnwu9pfuwapbnfwu9pgw9uhg.
Anyway, I dragged myself to the gym and pushed myself as hard as I could, also promising no dinner tonight. And of course I fucked that one up too. I had a thai beef salad- bf took me to dinner, cos our movie was later than expected so we had free time!! I sat though the whole movie, hating myself and having a mini meltdown in the dark.
Later that night, I spent alot of time on the toilet- gross I know, because for some miracle i must have gotten food poisoning or had some reaction to all that food in me. When I woke up this morning.. I was 62!! yayyyy. That is my next goal weight!!!!!!!
I immediately got so exciting i ran to the freezer and proceeded to eat a truck load of ice cream. Then i suddenly had the realisation... what the fu&^ am i doing???!?!?!?!?!?
Then I thought about it.... and a voice in my head was like...you could just throw it up. ugh.
So i ate until I was so full and then proceeded to purge until i was dry heaving. blahhh. What is wrong with meeeeeeeeeee?????
I promised myself I would try and not binge and purge as much as i used to. It just becomes so addictive.
Anyway it's been about five hours, I'm about to go to work, and I'm kinda scared to eat anything in case I start bingeing massively then need to purge...
Trying to remain calm.
So I know that I have reached my next goal weight.. But I think I will wait until I am safely under it, before I tick it off.
Stay strong.xx
Friday, April 30, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
63. Lost 5 kg (11 pounds). yay
Woooo 63!! Feeling great, part of me is thinking why am i not bingeing??? I can usually not control myself!! But i'm thinking it is because I have stopped talking the pill... Whenever i was on the pill i would have this insatiable hunger that I could never control. Alas for some reason I'm doing ok. I am trying to get as much sleep as possible because I tend to just want to binge when I am tried. It is hard... I have rehearsals 4 nights a week and dancing too, So that is taking my mind off most things. My mother has been a bit weird of late. Yesterday for example she asked me how my eating was going.. what kind of question is that i asked back. To which she replied, asking whether I had things in control.. Hmmm. Another example: "have you ever considered writing a blog?" I'm hoping this one is just a coincidence and she hasn't been going thru my computer....I always make sure i clear the history.. bUT she does work partly in i.t, so lets hope she isn't snooping!! LOL!!
My audition is next week.I am terrified. I know I don't have a great chance, but at least they chose me to aud in the first place.
Anyways, the bf and I are still fighting. He is so flirty with girls, (he thinks i am too with guys) and I hate that. Once he said to me that he feels threatened cos he thinks I am more attractive then he is, so yeah he does that for some reason to get my attention i guess?? I dunno. I don't want to lose him.. But there are many things about our relationship that I WISH would change.
I hardly ever go to his place, mainly because I never drive, but i wish i had a better relationship with his parents- not that it is bad or anything but I am so introverted and shy around them STILL. And I'm always worried that they might take that I'm snobby or rude... Actually I'm worried everyone sees me like that.
Anyways enough of this now, i have to go to class.
But last few days i have been having about 300 cals, which seems like sooo much food- ie- egg white omlette, organic pumpkin soup. But i guess that's just my screwed up perception of what is alot. I guess I'm just trying to have meals that are low calories..
Stay Strong. xx
My audition is next week.I am terrified. I know I don't have a great chance, but at least they chose me to aud in the first place.
Anyways, the bf and I are still fighting. He is so flirty with girls, (he thinks i am too with guys) and I hate that. Once he said to me that he feels threatened cos he thinks I am more attractive then he is, so yeah he does that for some reason to get my attention i guess?? I dunno. I don't want to lose him.. But there are many things about our relationship that I WISH would change.
I hardly ever go to his place, mainly because I never drive, but i wish i had a better relationship with his parents- not that it is bad or anything but I am so introverted and shy around them STILL. And I'm always worried that they might take that I'm snobby or rude... Actually I'm worried everyone sees me like that.
Anyways enough of this now, i have to go to class.
But last few days i have been having about 300 cals, which seems like sooo much food- ie- egg white omlette, organic pumpkin soup. But i guess that's just my screwed up perception of what is alot. I guess I'm just trying to have meals that are low calories..
Stay Strong. xx
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Fasty fast
i ate sooooooo much on saturday. prob about 800-900 cals. eeep. So yesterday i fasted all day and today I have just had an egg white omlette. I'm about 64.fattttttttttttttt, which isn't what i wanted but better then the start. I'm worried I'm starting to plateau so I think tiny cals like 3 times a day should wake up my metab??? yes???
Yesterday the bf and i went to the movies and stopped at the candy bar to which he attempted to tempt me with an manner of fattening sweets- i resisted..thank god!!! He ate a whole pack of snakes in front of me but. gahhhhh Why do guys eat whatever and not put on any weight.blahhhh.
We are going away for the weekend in a couple of weeks for his bday, so i need to be really determined up until then and then (maybe) have half a piece of bday cake..or actually maybe i'll make him one, that way i can control calories hahah. I had a starvation fueled cry at him yesterday, probably cos i'm a needy bitch, but just cos i felt we havent been seeing it each other enough (once a week at best) and have not been so couply lately. Can't rem if i said that we have been together for about 4 or so years??? LONG TIME!!! but he is great... :) Despite when he sneakily tries to feed me, when he realises i'm lapsing!! gahhhhhhh
Anywaysssssssssssss, I'm being such an anti social ho lately, just cos i know my friends will be a bad influence, and i will cave and want to eat crap. I struggled so hard the other day not to have a drunken binge at maccas. oh well!!!
la la alaallaaaaaa so bored, day off today, i need something to do or il binge on something!!!!!!!!!!!!
x
Yesterday the bf and i went to the movies and stopped at the candy bar to which he attempted to tempt me with an manner of fattening sweets- i resisted..thank god!!! He ate a whole pack of snakes in front of me but. gahhhhh Why do guys eat whatever and not put on any weight.blahhhh.
We are going away for the weekend in a couple of weeks for his bday, so i need to be really determined up until then and then (maybe) have half a piece of bday cake..or actually maybe i'll make him one, that way i can control calories hahah. I had a starvation fueled cry at him yesterday, probably cos i'm a needy bitch, but just cos i felt we havent been seeing it each other enough (once a week at best) and have not been so couply lately. Can't rem if i said that we have been together for about 4 or so years??? LONG TIME!!! but he is great... :) Despite when he sneakily tries to feed me, when he realises i'm lapsing!! gahhhhhhh
Anywaysssssssssssss, I'm being such an anti social ho lately, just cos i know my friends will be a bad influence, and i will cave and want to eat crap. I struggled so hard the other day not to have a drunken binge at maccas. oh well!!!
la la alaallaaaaaa so bored, day off today, i need something to do or il binge on something!!!!!!!!!!!!
x
Friday, April 23, 2010
The Old Days
ok so I'm just sitting here watching a movie thinking about the days where i would buy all this junk food and eat it in one sitting and then prepare myself for a massive purge when i was done. Ugh not a good way of doing things, I'm happy iv kinda eliminated the amount of times i do that, anyways i havent binged in about three weeks. So what am i eating now then? Jelly crystals and water haha.
Like i said going out for mums birthday tomorrow so hoping to flush u=out my system before any crazy eating tomorrow, which hopefully i can control!!gahh
I read about this new diet on Pretty thin, which is like the ABC but takes into account of the weekends (in case your like me and have parents who watch what u eat etc) on the weekend days it tends to be around 650. It's only 30 days long, and on the last day you fast. I'm thinking of trying that if i get out of hand tomorrow- i might need something to put me back on track :P
Today I have eaten- half a banana, egg white omlette and a small thai chicken salad. Which sounds like a shit load of food to me, i still think its alot, i have a little twinge of guilt- but it came around 300 cals. Plus i did a gym workout, where i usually burn about 400 cals, so i spose it's okkkkkkkkkaaaaayyy. Anyways was meant to see the bf tonight, but he cancelled, things are not going well we are fighting all the time ( we have been togther for about 4 years) so i dunno what will end up happening, i gave him the 'fine the ball is in your court' msg and have not heard from him yet. eeep. Whatever, I mean as much as i do not want to loose him, and he says he does not at all wanna break up, i need to learn to be independant, cos i am a princess, and he does shit for me all the time.
Anyways..
xx
Like i said going out for mums birthday tomorrow so hoping to flush u=out my system before any crazy eating tomorrow, which hopefully i can control!!gahh
I read about this new diet on Pretty thin, which is like the ABC but takes into account of the weekends (in case your like me and have parents who watch what u eat etc) on the weekend days it tends to be around 650. It's only 30 days long, and on the last day you fast. I'm thinking of trying that if i get out of hand tomorrow- i might need something to put me back on track :P
Today I have eaten- half a banana, egg white omlette and a small thai chicken salad. Which sounds like a shit load of food to me, i still think its alot, i have a little twinge of guilt- but it came around 300 cals. Plus i did a gym workout, where i usually burn about 400 cals, so i spose it's okkkkkkkkkaaaaayyy. Anyways was meant to see the bf tonight, but he cancelled, things are not going well we are fighting all the time ( we have been togther for about 4 years) so i dunno what will end up happening, i gave him the 'fine the ball is in your court' msg and have not heard from him yet. eeep. Whatever, I mean as much as i do not want to loose him, and he says he does not at all wanna break up, i need to learn to be independant, cos i am a princess, and he does shit for me all the time.
Anyways..
xx
Thursday, April 22, 2010
So i have been so proud of myself!!! One example, yesterday my boyfriend bought me a chocolate bar and proceeded to eat one in front of me to which i managed to resist. Oh god I love chocolate. At the moment I am under 64kg, I really need some new scales.. Maybe il buy a new pair...Hmmm just not sure how expensive they are but..
Today: omelette recipe i got off pretty thin (i omitted egg yolks but to bring the cal content right down) So that was about 80 cals, and then half a bowl of vegetable soup my mum made. Suprisingly I'm feeling ok and am able to resist the urge to binge like a crazy cow lol.
It is my mums birthday this sat, and the reservation is for a chinese restaurant, gahhh i wont be able to avoid eating, and i want to try and resist the urge to purge, so i think i will fast all day and research healthiest options!!!
Anyways I briefly thought of letting my self have a half day off on sat, but i don't think i can control myself and at the same time it makes me sick that i would even consider it.. ughh so really i haven't come too far.
I love empty. It lets me know I am progressing somehow.
Anyways test at uni tomorrow, so must go study, however how i met your mother is distracting me!!!!
xx
Today: omelette recipe i got off pretty thin (i omitted egg yolks but to bring the cal content right down) So that was about 80 cals, and then half a bowl of vegetable soup my mum made. Suprisingly I'm feeling ok and am able to resist the urge to binge like a crazy cow lol.
It is my mums birthday this sat, and the reservation is for a chinese restaurant, gahhh i wont be able to avoid eating, and i want to try and resist the urge to purge, so i think i will fast all day and research healthiest options!!!
Anyways I briefly thought of letting my self have a half day off on sat, but i don't think i can control myself and at the same time it makes me sick that i would even consider it.. ughh so really i haven't come too far.
I love empty. It lets me know I am progressing somehow.
Anyways test at uni tomorrow, so must go study, however how i met your mother is distracting me!!!!
xx
Monday, April 19, 2010
Goal weight 1
Hey guys,
not much to report I'm afraid. yesterday myself and some friends went to maccas (no i didn't have anything besides a d.c) and they talked about diets the whole time. wHEN i say diets, they are having like 1200 cals a day-u know a normal thing. I just sat there in silence the whole time. Oh well each to their own i guess. Yesterday I went to a dance class on about 200 cals and i could no handle itttttttt. Very light headed and no energy the whole time. I need tips on energy!!!
Anyways I'm down to just under 65 kg (I'm 1.75 cm tall so pretty tall!!!!!), so lost three kg !! yay
Which means iv reached my first goal weight yayy (of 65 kg)
Hope to be 62 as of next week!! Tonight i'm going out and planning on having a big one with some friends from uni yayyy.
Stay strong!
x
not much to report I'm afraid. yesterday myself and some friends went to maccas (no i didn't have anything besides a d.c) and they talked about diets the whole time. wHEN i say diets, they are having like 1200 cals a day-u know a normal thing. I just sat there in silence the whole time. Oh well each to their own i guess. Yesterday I went to a dance class on about 200 cals and i could no handle itttttttt. Very light headed and no energy the whole time. I need tips on energy!!!
Anyways I'm down to just under 65 kg (I'm 1.75 cm tall so pretty tall!!!!!), so lost three kg !! yay
Which means iv reached my first goal weight yayy (of 65 kg)
Hope to be 62 as of next week!! Tonight i'm going out and planning on having a big one with some friends from uni yayyy.
Stay strong!
x
Sunday, April 18, 2010
feeling good!!
hey guys,
so iv had a great weekend!! I have had no social life ha, stayed at home and studied and pretty much lived in Pretty thin!! (we love it)
And today I have eaten one banana and one apple and a long black, woo. I feel so empty which i love the feeling of, god how i missed this. I have to eat little amounts cos i know if i start binging i'll feel the need to vomit and get into mia again, which is not good, mia makes me crazy and i tend to have mini breakdowns. ha. Don't get me wrong i still do it ughh, alot of the time i cant help it, as soon as the idea gets into my head i go nuts!!!
gahhh!
So iv started documenting my journey in photos for myself too, it's funny i found some i took during the lowest and although thinner i still feel gross.
Iv pretty much stocked up on jelly too!! I have such a sweet tooth i need it!!
Oh and some great news, i have an audition coming up for a big pro musical!! gahhhhh so thin i must get!!
stay strong!!
xx
so iv had a great weekend!! I have had no social life ha, stayed at home and studied and pretty much lived in Pretty thin!! (we love it)
And today I have eaten one banana and one apple and a long black, woo. I feel so empty which i love the feeling of, god how i missed this. I have to eat little amounts cos i know if i start binging i'll feel the need to vomit and get into mia again, which is not good, mia makes me crazy and i tend to have mini breakdowns. ha. Don't get me wrong i still do it ughh, alot of the time i cant help it, as soon as the idea gets into my head i go nuts!!!
gahhh!
So iv started documenting my journey in photos for myself too, it's funny i found some i took during the lowest and although thinner i still feel gross.
Iv pretty much stocked up on jelly too!! I have such a sweet tooth i need it!!
Oh and some great news, i have an audition coming up for a big pro musical!! gahhhhh so thin i must get!!
stay strong!!
xx
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
I'm Baaaaaack.
blah blah.
So it has been a couple of weeks right? Well my grandpa died :( Which has sucked. We were all really close to him, my poor nan, but she is being so strong.
So i have been very destructive and unhealthy lately- bingeing, purging, over eating, under eating blah. I just need to get control and get back on track.
Any ideas?
A detox?
I don't know.
Anyways off to uni i go today. It's a busy time ahead.
stay strong.xx
So it has been a couple of weeks right? Well my grandpa died :( Which has sucked. We were all really close to him, my poor nan, but she is being so strong.
So i have been very destructive and unhealthy lately- bingeing, purging, over eating, under eating blah. I just need to get control and get back on track.
Any ideas?
A detox?
I don't know.
Anyways off to uni i go today. It's a busy time ahead.
stay strong.xx
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