scared..

just had one of the worst grey outs i've had in ages. I'm pretty much used to it cos I'm anaemic...but still scary...purging is getting worse...
sitting on the couch sipping vegetable soup. So dehydrated..need need need to keep this soup down, it was the reason I purged before in the first place. I'm back to not even keeping vegetables down.
Sometimes i manage to laugh at myself at how fucked up I am, I can even have a little chuckle on the way to the toilet, "Here we go again, ha ha ha." But I am not taking care of myself at all. This week has been worse then ever with the break up. Knew I'd fall to pieces.

Sex and the City is on tv. making me more depressed.

I wish I could just take a day off.... from everything...

In other news.. Saw Inception.
Blew my fucking mind.
dream within dreams within another dream gahhhh

So I know i said I would fast today... but today i just don't have the willpower. failed already. Had a breakfast binge and have already purged. I swear i sped-ate everything, I was finished eating and purging in half an hour. Gosh i disgust myself.

Anyway, I lay awake last night and thought of all of the moments in my life where I had an 'issue' with my weight, I could not go to sleep. Here are a few which had stuck with me.

9 years old: My friend and I compared how much room we had left on the side of our chairs where our thighs were. She claimed to have won, I went home, cried and began a 'diet' of fruit smoothies lol. Interesting to note that she is AT LEAST ten kg fatter then me now.

11 years old: My then 'boyfriend' said that the boys from the other school said I was too skinny to be 'sexy'. I had a fight with him because he wouldn't tell me that I wasn't too skinny-he seemingly agreed with them. I KNEW that i wasn't too skinny, I thought i was fat for godsake. LOL

13 years old: I was walking down the street ahead of my parents in this new skirt I had gotten- tight around the butt and flared out from the mid thigh- and my mum called out from behind me and said "You're looking alot bigger around the hips these days, have you been sneaking food?" FYI- i had not been sneaking food, eating less because i was terrified of this thing called puberty which was giving me a butt.

14 years old: About to go out for lunch with the family. My parents were waiting for me in the car. I was trying on all these outfits in my wardrobe getting increasingly stressed because I thought EVERYTHING made me look fat. I began having something similar to a panic attack, crying and feeling dizzy because I was unable to breathe. Something clicked and I walked like a zombie to the bathroom, lifted up the toilet seat and shoved my fingers down my throat. Keep in mind I was always terrified of vomiting as a child, so it's quite funny really, from that moment i got over that fear. I was very naive about it back then- I mean trying to vomit breakfast two hours after eating it. Thank god I 'worked it out'. :P

From then on I would vomit meals, I don't really remember much about when i worked out I could binge and purge too. That all seems a bit hazy.

anyway... no uni today. home alone.................... :O

Have a good day babes
xx

fatty fat fat fat

I have been so fat yesterday and today, pretty sure I would have gained. ughh.
Planning on fasting for two days to lose the mountain of weight i have put on.
Got so drunk on the weekend, I did not even make it to the club..lol. what a joke I am. Friends found me vomiting pizza....tried to lie...don't know what they believe now. The found scars on my knuckles on my right hand... pretty much says it all...

so yes NOT EATING FOR TWO DAYS... AT LEAST... i am so ashamed that i could throw everything away in two days.... I was losing really well.

Hating break up life... i swear to god- "riding solo" and "single ladies" are stalking me everywhere i go... ugh


miss you all!!!!
xx

How can you mend a broken heart? By a planned binge/purge of course.

so we broke up last night.
I am going to refrain on writing a depressed post about. But you all know how break ups are, binge imminent. Will prob go off the rails this weekend. A fifth of my life down the drain. sigh.
Do we like my new shoes and jacket?

xx

FTW

Fluer nominated me for the award!! Sweetieeeeeeeee!!

LOVES:
* Harry Potter- the librarian at primary school put me onto it back when I was about 9 years old and it was then that my love affair with reading began.
*musical theatre- watching it, singing along to it, performing in it, talking about it
*romance-need i say more?? I have had some fair romantic things done to me in my lifetime- horse and carriage ride through the city at night, treasure hunt, restaurant cruise on a river, love letters etc.
*animals-i have a 14 year old cat, would love to get a dog to go running with!

LOATHES:
*people who think that you are automatically stupid because you are studying/ working in the performing arts. I am constantly trying to prove myself to random people who shouldn't matter to me.
*Vomiting- Had an intense phobia of it all through my youth, ironic huh?
*naturally thin people- JEALOUS, plus I think thin people who have worked to get like that look better anyways. ;P
*Cancer- my dad had it, my uncle and grandpa recently died from it. If only i was smart enough and not studying performing arts to create a cure!!!!!!! :P
*bad manners- honestly how hard is it to say please and thankyou??!!!

Noms:
Sick Bitch http://s1ckb1tch.blogspot.com/
Lulabelle http://lubiie.blogspot.com/
hannah & hannah http://areweprettynow.blogspot.com/
<3 <3 SL <3 <3 http://mythoughtsopened.blogspot.com/
Cammie http://turningituptoeleven.blogspot.com/

Starving works...

it's tuesday! And I fasted all day!! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Currently high on starvation lol.
I feel great for not purging, don't get me wrong it has been on my mind ALL day. I have been out all day, away from food with only money to get around so not possible for me to eat anyways. I have done a gym workout, walked heaps and done at least 200 sit ups. YAYY go me... but seriously what is wrong with me...where is this motivation coming from???!!?!? haha. But we all know it wont be long before I'm spending my pay on planned binges/purges lol. sigh.

Last night I watched this movie- Elvis and Anabelle. Here is the wikipedia link- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elvis_and_Anabelle

But just quickly it stars- Blake Lively- massive babe!! and she is tall like me!!! She plays a beauty queen who suffers from bulimia. Has anyone seen it?


How is everyone going?

Love~
xx

whinge whinge whinge sook sook sook.

I went to bed last night, telling myself I would not purge in today, that I would eat healthily and keep it down.
Just had a huge fight with my boyfriend. We were supposed to see each other tonight, to talk things over. He organised plans with a friend instead, wasn't even going to tell me. I get the feeling he is just waiting for me to end it, I don't think he has the courage to. I'm scared. I'm so upset. I'm shaking. I've purged everything. I can't even cry. How do you end a four year relationship so quickly? I am honestly not the type to depend on boyfriends or anyone. I would rather suffer alone. But this guy is my best friend. How did it get so fucked up. He keeps hurting me but I just hanging on to him. I feel so pathetic.

I logged on here and promised I would try to avoid being over dramatic and depressed- surprisingly this is a toned down post. lol.

Darling Alice nominated me for A Blogger Addict Award, which honestly was so sweet of her <3, improved my mood too. I feel like I hardly deserve it, my posts are so disinteresting and I haven't been blogging for long. But I will accept it just the same! :)


i love
Marilyn Monroe. supermodels.ice cream.fake tan and bronzer.the 20's.perez hilton.amy adams.jazz singing.opp/vintage shopping. merryl streep.pringles.slurpies.green tea.film.film noir.day dreaming.animals.class and glamour.drunken moments.collecting underwear.disney.singalongs.Ellen degeneres.michael buble. chivalry. family. the name ava( it's not actually my name ps)dancing.cate blanchet.lollies.kisses.idina menzel.drunken singstar.the moment when i am on stage.personal jokes that everyone wants to be included in.realife movie moments.random photo sessions and photo whorage.reading. my cat.realising you love something.horror movies.weheartit.com. generosity.you girlies :)

i loath
cold days.cleaning my room.people who bag harry potter.rejection.failing.having nothing to do.fat days.being snowman pale.days when i don't go to the gym.neglect or cruelty to animals.swimwear shopping.'twihards'.upsetting people- terrified of being the cause of someones pain.my phone cap.people touching my feet.judgemental people.licorice.being so shy.people thinking i'm a bitch when i'm shy.voldermort.when the hosts of the view repeatedly talk over each other.no more harry potter.stephenie meyer having to have a cameo in twilight.rainy days.not 'making it' yet.being hung up on.

ps-very aware that i went overboard with the likes and dislikes lol
My nominations:
http://crumpetcancer.blogspot.com - Eva
http://thisisthecollapserightnow.blogspot.com - Sarah
http://escapevelocity-almost.blogspot.com/ - Jess
http://emryelle.blogspot.com/?zx=ecbc44638a82d9a9 - Emry
http://myoneheadlight.blogspot.com/?zx=164ff7d4caffd3f8 - pixiestix_014

Stay strong everyone!!! Sorry about the sook!! I'm gonna go watch a comedy or something now :P
xxxx

Motivated!

A pair of my new shoes :P
So yesterday I went shopping- either a motivator or a de motivator for me. This time DEFINITELY motivated me. You know those change rooms which have mirrors on every angle-SO YOU CAN'T ESCAPE YOUR REFLECTION??!! yes well that is what i experienced yesterday. GAH! Anyway besides from that little semi-terrifying experience of watching my fatty self change in and out of clothes, i managed to find 2 pairs of heels and a dress yay! Hey big spender!! ;)

Intake yesterday: Pad thai (purged)
Lol My mum tried to tell me that it was healthy... Is that some kind of sick joke mother????? It's like 6billion calories (pretty sure....) :P

Today i worked.....
Intake: lemon slice (purged)
otherwise nothing as yet...

So far it is 5pm. I'm about ready to go to a friends 21st. Wanting to get WASTED tonight.

ALSO i got back a short film i did about a year ago (I was probs 5 kg skinnier) and I looked sooooo much better on camera then I do now! Another motivator to keep going!!!

So Myself and another girl on Blogger Jess - http://escapevelocity-almost.blogspot.com/
will be doing a fast on Tuesday!! Yay anyone who wants to join in can- she has put up some good guidelines on this in one of her posts!! Check it Out!!!! ;)

xxx

Yesterday!

Went so well! A one hour walk in the morning- I'm not much of a runner sigh, but i power walk! :)
The fast went very well! I ate a plate of undressed salad (lettuce, tomato and cucumber) at lunch but I had planned on that anyway. So a bit of a wimpy fast-not my usual eat absolutely nothing water only rules. :P Oh well I feel emptier today, and SO much better for not purging/bingeing.
I worked for 8 hours dancing on a tv shoot so i got so much exercise in yesterday too, So I am feeling pretty pleased. Haven't had a chance to weigh myself- my mum confiscated the scales to her bathroom and she is currently home. I 'm sending subliminal messages to her from the other room- FUCKING LEAVE BITCH!
LOL
When I got home last night I saw that my Dad had brought my favourite bread and I immediately made a note that I would probably be purging half the loaf tomorrow. So now that I have woken up in crazy/possessed/must binge NOW mode and seen mum still here, I am kinda freaking out lol. So I've pretty much locked myself away from the kitchen to avoid vacuuming the whole pantry. That is until she leaves and I am home alone to binge and purge till my hearts content. Fucked? Yeah I figured that out a while ago!

So I am sad now that I have finished reading Wasted, god Marya writes well. My library doesn't have Wintergirls atm; anyone got any good ones to read?

So I worked out that Adriana Lima and I are the same height and I weigh about 10 kg more than her!!! Apparently she is 51kg (110 pounds??). What a babe. sigh.

Back to uni next week, I usually end up going one of two ways in times of stress and business- binge/purge even more violently or just forget to eat. I hope it's the latter!

xx

It's Dinner time.

What a waste of a day on my last week of holidays. Today I sat around on the net, or reading Wasted, or watching the Bachelor on tv. Very lazy day indeed.
I'm so surprised i have only had the one binge/purge sesh today- as soon as I woke up. I have been home alone for the whole day and somehow managed to control myself. It's 5.15pm here and dinner will be soon, but I'm not worried about that. I already know I will scoff down my meal and race to do the dishes (like a good daughter does-not because I want to but because they are more likely to let me race off to 'shower' straight after dinner).
It is there that I will turn on the water in the basin, turn on the water in the shower and turn on the fan (cos even the smallest amount of extra noise can muffle my gagging). It's always a race against time to vomit everything whilst the shower is still running, then to fit in a shower before my parents bang on the bathroom door that we are under water restrictions and that my 'shower' has been too long. I won't flush until I am out of the shower- what would they think if they hear the shower running and the toilet flush at the same time? It always shocks me when i stumble out of the shower, 'high' on purging, see my food glaring back at me from the toilet bowl. Flush Flush flush.

Intake so far:
45 calorie h/c

Yesterday was easily solved with the friends coming over. We ordered bbq chicken pizza. Purged but with slight difficulty- I was so excited to eat it I barely chewed, therefore found myself choking on whole pieces of chicken on the way up.

So as you can see, restricting never really agrees with me, I knew it wouldn't be long until I lapsed completely into purging every day again. On a plus note, i've lost at least a kilo in like a day and a half (3 pounds'ish??) So at least not back to my starting weight after my recent gains but hovering under 65.

Tomorrow i have decided to fast along with one of the girls whose blog I follow Jess-anyone on the earth.

Other than this i am feeling surprising good, not depressed or anything, in control and relatively calm. A little poor from my binges :P But satisfied.

bingepurgebingepurgefastbingerestrict.

So that is what I am doing right this second. Planned binge and purge. half an hour left till i hug the toilet bowl. Isn't that ironic, whilst reading a book from a recovering anorexic/bulimic.

Anyway so i have been so disordered lately. Eating nothing one day, bingeing and purging the next, eating 'normal' meals and purging every meal.

Friends are coming around tonight. Around 6.30pm. Meal time. How do I get out of this one. Brought lots of diet coke to help me purge whatever take out we get.

PLAN PLAN PLAN. That is all my life is at the moment.

Types of Purge cycles.

Ok So I have decided my types of purge categories. I figure if I work this out, maybe I can stop one before it even begins?

1: "Planned blowout" Binge and Purge- obviously this one isn't as spontaneous as others and is a fairly conscious decision lol. For example this one happens to me when I have restricting for ages and decide that this particular day next week I will pretty much eat my body weight in ice cream/lollies/chips/BREAD (Big issue for me there!!) that i have bought specifically for the binge. Haven't had one of these in a while thankfully(two weeks).

2: The "eraser".- i.e-dinner with friends/fam- pretty much self explanatory, Allows me to somewhat remain on track if I am restricting my intake.

3: The 'can't stop at one'-Eating something little then thinking 'oh another wont hurt' so I end up having another, then three more then five more, and then suddenly that turns into a spontaneous binge, where I decide to just eat anything in sight (the most random things mind you!!) and to purge.

So yeah? Any girls feel the same here?

I just had a number three this morning lol at breakfast.ugh. I found myself purging choc sprinkles.

Downer.

good three days. If you count purging every meal good. Haven't weighed myself so not sure. I am feeling so depressed lately, what with the boyfriend problems and general life. I would love to get into my brother's anti-depressants alas I will not. Trying to remain positive however aware I sound like a complete emo. Plus all the blogs I have been following seem to be slowing down a little bit. Where are you girls???!!!
stay strong.
x

restless.

I am being reckless. I am going out too much, drinking too much, eating too little, vomiting too much (alcohol and self-induced), sleeping too little. Last night I had my ex' 21st. He has a girlfriend, and he was being so inappropriately flirtatious. I was flirting back but not to the extent of his advances. I would hate to be his girlfriend. If he wasn't with her at the moment I would probably go there for old times sake, but no nothing more.
Anyway I found myself drunk, half nude hooking up with one of my girlfriends in the bathroom. I had all these ideas of taking off my clothes and running through the lawns of the reception centre, or taking some drugs and lying on the grass under the stars. I am plagued by this need to do something 'fucked up'. Not for attention...More just a want to feel something more. A thrill. I ended the night having a dnm with the ex' older brother. Nice guy. Cute. He probed about my non-existant love life and gave me some advice. I am getting nothing off my boyfriend now. Haven't seen him in weeks. We text fight every day. I drunk text him. I miss him. I text and tell him that but he never tells me that he does. He says he doesn't want to break up but he doesn't see it working out. ughh. I honestly don't know what to do. I am terrified of life without him. Although that's how it has been lately anyway. I need so much more then what he is giving me. I'm not clingy, I go out all the time without him. I don't think I'm asking too much.

To break up or not.

Big question.

Food wise, yeah no restricting. Just vomiting. ughh. wish I was a restricter.

No words.