Update on skinny reasons!

I fasted today cos I was feeling sick again so that worked well cos I have no appetite at all. I think I'll have to go to the doctors, pretty sure I have got a virus.

Today I was so lazy.

I:

woke up at 10.30 am.

Watched Coco Avant Chanel.

Had a four hour nap.

Made a Tumblr.

So thanks to all your input I have put together 20 reasons for us to keep on track to reach our goals! Feel free to steal, add your own, change whatever. I'm going to print it out and stick it on my wall. :)

1. I can throw on anything and not feel self-conscious.

2. I will feel healthier.

3. I will have more confidence and be more outgoing.

4. I will have control over something in my life.

5. I will have more money- money previously spent on binges can go on other things.

6. I will not be the fat cousin/sister/friend/girlfriend.

7. I will feel more attractive.

8. I will receive more compliments.

9. I won't be called curvaceous.

10. I will be happier.

11. I will set a good example to those overweight.

12. I will be the envy of everyone.

13. Guys and girl will check me out.

14. I will feel sexy and be more confident and wild during sex.

15. I will look and feel amazing in a bikini.

16. Guys can easily lift me up.

17. I will not have to worry about sizes.

18. It will take less time to shower/rub lotion in/shave etc if my body is smaller.

19. I will accomplish something that almost everyone else fails at.

20. If I can do this, then I can do anything.

Hope you are all well! Taking my beloved lap top to bed to watch Gossip Girl :)

Results.

thanks for the comments guys!! I don't actually say mate in my every day speak, I'm probs giving my fellow aussies a bad name hahaha!!!

No he wasn't from bondi rescue, those guys are cute but.

I binged/purged massively this morning. I am out of control. I think a big reason is, I am extremely run down at the moment and tired, it seems to be what I turn to. But then again, anything makes me purge these days.

So weigh in.... eeeep..

Am currently 64.2kg ( bmi : 20.4) massive. I have gained in like two days.

Friday I was 63.1 (20.1).

At the start of the week I was 65.7 (20.9)

I guess at least I am not where I started last week. Still feeling terrible but.

According to that website I told you last week I should be 64.8, so at least I haven't surpassed that. Next weight should be 63.5.

Feeling so sluggish!!

I think I'll do what Glue + Pieces suggested and get my nails done, maybe fake nails might deter me!!

Ok So like i said, please be brutal, please tell me to keep going, do whatever!! Be as mean as you like! I need to hear it!!

So this is my why I need to be thinner (thus meaning stop purging) list:

• I can throw on anything and not feel self-conscious
• I will feel healthier
• I will have more confidence and be more outgoing.
• I will get more auditions.
• I will have control over SOMETHING in my life.
• I will have more money- money spent on binges can go on other things.
• I don't want to be the fat cousin.
• I will feel more attractive.
• I won't be called curvaceous.
• I will be happier (I WAS happier when I was at my thinnest).
• I will set a good example to my overweight mother.

If you can think of anything else, please add.

12.22 am

I don't want to be bulimic anymore. Can I just not today? Can it just be a matter of simple choice, like wearing these pants instead of those. Can it be a "shot-gun not"? Can I play the part of the anorexic instead of the bulimic now? Oh please cast me please!?

I want to be full of emptiness.

I don't want to be full-empty-full-empty-full-empty-full-empty.full.fat.

I don't. The only way I will stop this is if I don't eat. or die. The second sometimes seems easier.

I think about it. I wouldn't though.

What am I talking about here. Excuse me but my electrolytes are out of whack.

Maybe I'll be back in action tomorrow.

Agh tomorrow. a new day. also monday. Monday equals weigh in. Public humiliation.

Bring it on.

I need a beating.

I wonder If I would stop purging if I chopped my purge fingers off. Nah. I'd probably shove something else down there.

Upside:I had an amazing weekend. I kissed a boy. A life gaurd. That's so australian maaaaaaaate.

I'm fucked.

fuckmyballs

was going sooo well until...

I've been feeling sick again so i figured an early night would be wise- tonight my plan was this: gym, ab/butt work, bed with electric blanket, september issue and coco avant chanel on my lap top (in bed) and 45 calorie hot choc + 5 fat free marshmallows. Well-5 turned into the whole packet.

Thought fuck this, went and ate 6 biscuits washed down with a glass of milk.

Just purged everything. ughhhhhhhhh. I was doing so well, hadn't vomited in a while either. At least it wasn't a huge huge binge I suppose (for those thinking that's a pretty huge fucking binge..think again. I have known myself to have 6 pieces of toast, half a tub of ice cream, chocolate, lollies- anything you can think of in just one sitting). Anyways before that I had had 300 calories.

Oh god.

So I live at home right- which has it's positives and negatives- + save money. - not as much freedom.

Mother pays for my medical bills etc. She says to me today, oh I am booking you in to the dentist in a couple of weeks. fuck fuck fuck fuck noooooooooo.

Bulimic's worst nightmare... I haven't been to the dentist for a couple of years (shocking i know)- he never said anything then, but since then I have been gradually worse and worse with the rate in which I vomit. Ughh. Really concerned about splash patterns. Do not want to explain this again to my parents. Does anyone know about splash patterns and bulimia? How long they take to become apparent?

Regards to the ex- I texted back pretty bluntly along the lines of: "no. I have no photos. I'll be sure to remember your well wishes in three months time when my shows are actually on."

bitchy, but I could have been MUCH worse. 'tevs. He texted back and said "Thanks, wasn't sure just wanted to check. I'm really happy to be back home, had a great time in NZ but.xx"

ummm.

1: I never asked you about your trip/how it went etc etc.

2:Do not care.blah blah blah blah blah

3: "xx"...reallllllllyyyyyyy?

NOT REPLYING TO HIS MSG. I actually don't feel the need to. Plus I have enough clarity now that I know it is not good for me to do so.

Oh god. So Today one of my bi friends offered to have sex with me. Lol. I wouldn't just because I am not attracted to him in the slightest. But I just thought it was funny, offering himself- I must clearly look like i need some action. I asked him how he would get me into bed... his response was something like this: "I'd take you out, buy you lots of drinks. We would sneak off to the bathroom and do everything but sex, and when you are really wanting it I'll go call us a cab. We get in the cab have a nice chat and then i tell the driver to pull over and we have a go at it on the freeway."

lol nope. no thanks, he said that's how he gets the guys...

hahaha we had a good laugh about it. i.e- a nice chat in the cab?? lol, sex on the side of the freeway??

He got the drinks part right tho- I turn into a horny minx as soon as I 've had a few drinks.

But since we are on the topic, would you have sex with a guy who had been with guys before/who is bi? I haven't...not sureeeeeee if I would. But definitely no judging if you have/would.

Anyways off to finish watching The September Issue.

oh, and I live nearish chadstone! Toorak is beautiful!!

lol how all my posts have been sex related. Hope noone is offended :P

x

i heart water & pepsi max

In bed. 11.30pm. Fasting complete. Thank god sleep is near cos I am about ready to chew my hand off. I have survived with a ton of water and pepsi max. I am finding that I am semi-curing my cravings by surfing foodporndaily.com and thisiswhyyouarefat.com. Weird. I am being plagued by evil binge thoughts... I just want some bread.....and ice cream........and cake... and chocolate.and pastacheeseicingpizzanoodleslollieschipsbiscuitsdiqbfeibfhrewobhe.

THIS POSSIBLY COULD HAVE BEEN ME TODAY.

So the ex texts me today out the blue. It's been pretty much two weeks since I last spoke to him.

"Hey, random q just wondering if you have any x rated pics of me still on your phone? Hope your shows went well. xx"

ummm.wtf. this is what I am thinking..

1: YOU HAVE ALL THE PHOTOS OF ME. THERE R NONE OF U. DO NOT RELEASE/PLEASE DELETE THE PHOTOS OF ME. I DO NOT WANT TO BE THE NEXT VANESSA HUDGENS.

2:YOU KNOW THIS. YOU ARE CLEARLY MAKING UP A REASON TO TEXT ME.

3:IF U PAID ANY ATTENTION TO MY LIFE YOU WOULD KNOW MY SHOWS AREN'T ON TILL OCTOBER.

4: "XX???????" EFF YOU.

I'm lucky I didn't eat the entire university cafe after that little drama.

bah. Just when things start getting clearer he fucking pops up and brings me back down again.

Anyways I'm actually in a happier mood then I was before (believe it or not).

Weekend is shaping up to be fun- bestie from Sydney is coming down for the weekend to party it up!!

How did all you girls go with your fasting/days in general?

xx

Quickie (not the sexual variety...)

Such a long day at uni. Rehearsals went on forever, just getting home now (10.45 pm). Quick Post then I need to sleep.

Fasting tomorrow!!!

Rules for myself:

*No food.

*heaps of water.

*daily vitamins.

*any zero calorie soft drink.

Anyone who wants to join can, these are my rules for tomorrow! Feel free to do it however you like- water only/ some fruit/vegies/ etc etc- Whatever works for your body- we are all different remember! :)

Intake today: No vomiting wooooo- have not even had time/a chance to binge/ have a proper meal so that's why. Probs would have if I was at home alone and not at uni.

2 pepsi maxes

half a serving of vegie cous-cous- about 150-200

shit load of water

ok bed.

night girls. Remember to post how you go if you are fasting :)

x

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Pixiestix is back! Yayyyyy I have missed her blogging!! In answer to the question about singing: I have sung, acted all my life, I got an agent a few years back so I have gotten a fair bit of professional work now, which is great :)

I am going to fast this thursday! Who ever wants to join can!! I think i'll change the day i fast every week, just to keep it interesting. Feeling motivated by the public humiliation. Seriously you girls keep me in check haha. Whoever wants to do this can, we can start our own little routine ;)

Also reading a post on PrettyThin and was excited by this website: http://losertown.org/eats/cal.php
It tells you week by week what your weight would be depending on your exercise/calorie limit. Judging by this, If I continue to exercise 3-5 times a week and eat 800 cals, I'll be down to my tentative goal weight of 50kg(bmi 16) as opposed to current 21 (bleurgh) by November. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. I thought 800 cals was more than reasonable, I wouldn't eat that every day but I guess it allows for any fuck ups.

I haven't vomited/binged all day. I've had about 400 calories, been to the gym and done 8 minute abs and buns.

Still no sign of the sex drought ending... haha. I have potentials (guys showing interest) but I'm being picky, they just don't get me excited below the belt lawl!!!!! Plus they are being too keen. And I hate that. I like some mystery.
I had a sex dream the other night about the guy in the Katy Perry- teenage dream film clip. hahah the closest i am getting to the peen atm is in my dreams.
This is him if you don't know what I am talking about:




But seriously girls, we can do this!!!! We can be what we all dream of being. And we are going to do it together.

LAME.

HAHA.
But seriously :P

xx

NEED.

fat weekend.
Not much to report other then I ate like a 'normal person'+ purges. Which automatically makes me hate life. lol.

I've been thinking lately that I really need to evaluate what I'm doing in my life. I finish my degree this year. I really need to take advice of my agent and put myself out there. I need to stop spending money on binges and spend money on my future and marketing myself better. Which means;
*new clothes frequently
*hair coloured frequently
*teeth fixed (they are straight just my two front teeth are a tad longer then the others- plus they aren't pearly whites because of the purging.
*new headshots/show reel/studio time

Mia makes me so weak and lazy, I wish I could starve starve starve. Which is a terribly thing to wish I know. So many of you girls are struggling and here I am wishing this. Ugh.

I get angry with myself- I have these mini realisations all the time, and my motivation lasts for a while, then comes and goes in bursts. Don't get me wrong my motivation to perform is always there, it's just my crazy fucked up thoughts that get in the way.
I need to stop being so fucking lazy. I have all these people who believe in me, sometimes I feel like I am throwing it all away, I just get so overwhelmed in my eating/emotions and being a drama queen. I need a change. My teacher is helping me get into acting/music schools/agencies in London. I need to get out of my little bubble.

I need to make realistic goals. I aim to lose 5 kg by the start of October. Which is completely realistic- pretty much an amount anyone could lose healthily. 5 kg at least by then. I wont be doing it the 'standard' way. I'm not talking about recovery here. I'm talking about *fingers crossed* stopping binges, not purging multiple times a day, restricting and exercising more.
Exercise will be gym 5 days a week still in combo with daily 8 minute abs and buns. And of course my standard movement/dance/flex classes.



I think I will try giving you girls weekly weigh ins, hopefully this 'public humiliation' will motivate me to not fail. Lol. Starting the following week. You all have permission to shame me if I fail hideously.

I think I'll fast one day a week also. If anyone ever wants to join, let me know and we can blog/chat about it together.

Ugh AND just as I thought I was getting over everything The Script release this new song which pretty much could be called Ava-Rose's recent break up.

PS- I need a shag. haha.

It's a dirty free for all.

Thank you for the comments! I love you guys. Such amazing people you all are! I imagine you mean alot to those around you... (not just me :) )

I love hotels. I remember getting home from the party at about 5 or so the other night, and went for a walk along the corridors of the hotel as my friends were passing out left right and centre in our room. It was fun getting lost by myself in my numbed state, staring at the city lights out the window, walking past room after room of people tucked up in bed. It was so quiet. And so peaceful.


Today has been a good day for intake. I tentatively decided to fast but it didn't really work out- dinner with fam etc etc. So I decided with the anorexic part of my brain and went for something low calorie rather then the bulimic part of the brain which would say "Go on, eat pad thai, and 4 helpings of dessert in like ten minutes- you can just vomit it all up". Lol I'm serious that's how I always think. Anyway I decided on sushi. So I go to this quaint little japanese place up the road (side note: was served by this gorgeous petite japanese goddess- immediate thinspo) which I have never been to before. I order this 5 pack of spicy tuna pieces. In an effort to look experienced/comfortable with japanese cuisine (I only ever get the pre-made rolls at uni) I order this pretty much to avoid saying words such as "inari", "Futomaki", "Maguro" etc. LOL

Anyway I get it home start to eat it, and realise it's the raw tuna, which I hate. GAHHH I asked for the wrong thing. So I ate two pieces and palmed the rest of it onto my mum who was already eating pad thai. So according to calorieking.com they are 30 calories a piece. WIN. Defs getting the cooked tuna next time.

So that puts me at 60 calories today.

Probably going to be a Nanna and go to bed soon- it's 9.15. Who am I????!?!?!? LOL. But to be honest I have had a tiring day: dancing, and alot of physically/emotionally draining acting rehearsals. I am spent. Plus saving myself for the 'Ke$ha' style state I will probs get myself into tomorrow night HA. Especially with "a water bottle full of whisky in my hand bag" lol. Oh Kesh. lyrical genius. HA.



I also have to vote tomorrow- first election. Have tried to be a responsible Australian citizen and research each political party. :)

Have a good weekend my friends.

xoxox

sooooo struggling right now. ughh

Hey Babes,

So I had such a good night. The hotel was so nice- amazing views of the city, modern furnishings, comfy beds. We got trashed before we went out on cheap champagne, cocktails and downed shots whilst we danced around getting ready. Didn't end up gambling just went out to some bars at the casino, then to a club for the after party!

So this is me pre wasted:


And during wasted:



lol so clearly a bit of a difference. As you can see, I'm still abit para about showing my face on here. I wish I wasn't, I want so much just to share everything with you girls. But maybe one day.

Anyways, I had a huge convo with one of my friends- recovering/functioning anorexic. It's funny comparing the way in which we deal with food- she is a strict restricter and I obviously binge/purge// eat/purge. Yesterday she ate like two snowpeas, two cans of sugar free energy drink and all that alcohol. So strong. Don't know how she does it. I guess the bulimic mentality is very different to the anorexic mentality but.

My intake today has been actually preposterous. lol. Not even the fact that I went for a walk/ did 8 minute abs/buns will help me. gahhhh.

I don't think I will ever be able to continually lose weight for a long time in the state I am in. And you can see by the pics that I aren't anywhere near 'small'. It only ever comes off when I learn how to control my purging. fuck fuck fuck. My life is summarised by the notion of "oh fuck it." I'll stuff, vomit, stuff vomit, restrict, stuff stuff stuff, vomit.

Any girls out there managed to successfully lessen the amount of times they purge?? Howwwwwwwwwww you magical creatures??????

So I didn't really mean for this to turn into a big complaining fest but oh well!!!

TOMORROW WIL BE BETTER.

Let's go all the way tonight!!!!

thanks to all you beautiful creatures for the lovely words!!

It went well, I was an ice queen with him- remained totally calm, mysterious and aloof. I think I looked pretty good too ;) :). Hopefully he was kicking himself. Strutted away from the car when he dropped me off (Beyonce- Diva was the theme song in my head lol) i was fierce, talk about female empowerment/girl power lol.

The night wasn't as crazy as I hoped, no meeting of any hot/nice boys, but it was fun none the less.

I had MULTIPLE hangover binges/purges over Sunday, so I've gained a tiny bit from that, but I'm not TOO concerned. Nothing a day of restricting can't fix.

Pretty excited for this week. A group of my friends and I are booking a swanky hotel at a casino in the city- planning on getting dressed up, getting drunk, going out clubbing, gambling, whatever other crazy stuff we feel like doing! And then bailing on uni the next day!

fingers crossed this is me on wednesday :P

Today:
double choc chip cookies: purged.
3 strawberries.

So it's 4.30 so still have the rest of the night to get through.

But feeling pretty chilled.

x

food boys food boys food boys.

I had a tough day today.. talked to the ex about getting my stuff back. Meeting up on sat night before I go out which means will be *fingers crossed* looking some what impressive lol. It was just hard because it was the first time that we actually talked about the night we broke up. He expressed that he felt bad after what happened- story is- we broke up outside my house at about ten at night, he was crying, i was crying, and he got in his car to drive off as he saw me walk in the opposite direction (not to my house). I ended up roaming the streets crying for a few hours ha. I of course was pissed he didn't follow me, but i mean I knew he wouldn't. Anyway he tells me he has become reclusive since breaking up and hasn't been going out or anything just working. I've been doing the opposite: off the rails. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. lol.

I guess just talking to him again makes me miss him, plus the fact that we are giving everything back finally gives us no other reason to need to see each other. So it's just slightly frightening and new to me.

Hopefully I'll meet some nice fellas on the weekend ;)

ENOUGH OF BOY RANTING............

I read Wintergirls for the first time a few days back. I enjoyed it. I probably related to Wasted a bit more but. Lia's inner battle was definitely something that I identified with.

"My traitor fingers want that fudge. No, they don’t. They want a seven layer bar and some of those weird muffins and those pretzels. No, they do not. They want to squish the marshmallows and stuff them into my mouth. They will not."

Just having those moments where you are so torn between stuffing your face; and, killing yourself because you are simply thinking of stuffing your face.

Anyways my intake has been good lately.
Today I binged and purged on pancakes in the morning. ooops. (thank god my sore throat is going)
And I have eaten one sushi roll.

Going out for dinner tomorrow (italian), really really want to avoid purging for just one day if I can. Will try and order something light.

xxx

I'm sick.Not just in the head.

I woke up this morning with the worst sore throat and really bad body aches and pains. I said to myself ok, just eat what you need to get better and definitely no vomiting, let your body rest. etc etc So I sit down to have my breakfast and promise to keep it down. Yet as what always happens I become plagued by the 'vomit nazis' in my head. ugh.

Vomiting with a throat infection is terrible. Pain wise and hygiene wise.

Anyway. Not much else is going on, had lots of 21st birthdays. Really in need of a rebound guy to get my mind off things. It is not getting easier!! It is sucking majorly!!

Pixie stix! Have not seen the cabaret trailer.. do you mean burlesque??
and everyone else, thanks for all the non-purging well wishes, I fucked it up on friday and many many times over the weekend unfortunately. But thanks anyways :P

x

gross gross gross

So don't read if you have a weak stomach. haha.

So I just had some sugar free lollies (maybe 10-15). And I must have had a really extreme reaction or something, cos I am literally bloated to the extent of looking like i'm pregnant to full term, and spent at least an hour on the toilet. I usually have heaps of sugar free stuff and am fine. They had a MASSIVE laxative effect ughhhh. yuck. I hate talking about poop. lol. I honestly don't know how i was pooping for so long cos I haven't had much today...

B: three strawberries, handful of bran without milk.
L: 3 rice cakes
D: 1 sushi roll. lollies

*heaps of water and vitamins..
I know not very nutritious. At least I haven't purged. Get that- I haven't purged for THE WHOLE DAY.

Bad news is I didn't go to the gym today cos I've been at uni all day, but had some movement classes so that's ok i suppose.
What kind of music do we all like?

A Miracle?

No kidding you I have lost two kilos in two days.. I don't even know how this happened, i guess the fact that I didn't binge is good. So this is what I ate yesterday:
B: 2 egg whites with a bit of pepper and sauce and a tomato
L: 2 rice thins
D: Satay Chicken wrap (ashamed to say partially purged)

*And heaps of water throughout the day
*Went to the gym both days and half hour walk (so nothing too strenuous)

Perhaps the fact that i am actually absorbing food lol and not throwing up everything? And that I am spacing it out to get my metabolism running?

My timetable at uni is starting to get busier which means I'll be with the same group of people for the whole day. Which in turn means friends will be watching me like hawks lol.

I texted the ex (i nearly said bf then..habit :( ) He still has so much stuff of mine, clothes shoes- shit I want back.

I have a box of our cards and movie tickets and all that shit that I will probably burn in the fire. LOL

Going Cold Turkey

This weekend my purging body has turned against me. This weekend it made me extra puffy. It made me break out. It made me even more ghostly pale than normal. It made me particularly irritable. It made me nearly consider seeing my doctor. But I snapped out of that idea almost as soon as it occurred to me. I'm not ready for that shit.
I went out on the weekend and ending up having a communal purge with a fellow bulimic. Gross. Weird. And we found ourselves drunkenly sharing tips. Sickos lol.

Haven't talked to the ex in nearly two weeks(since we broke up), that's the longest in four years. Actually Killing me. I am doing the worst things to get my mind off it-smoking, bingeing, purging, facebooking, drinking, kissing gay boys. (ughh haven't found a straight one to kiss yet- i guess that's what u get for doing theatre). I really just want to cry my eyes out about it, but the only time i've been able to cry was when I have been drunk lol.

Miss u girls..

Oh and I am attempting to not binge/purge till saturday. I know I will probably still find myself purging dinner but I'm going to try one thing at a time.

so aims for this week:
1: No bingeing> (putting a stop to the binge/purge)
2:minimal calories 500ish- mainly fruit/veg
3:exercise everyday
4:water water water
5:vitamins

hmmm anything else??
Ps- I got a new scale. It weighs two kilos heavier... I don't know what is correct oh fuck... Planning on using scale for kilos lost rather than current weight- as don't know what to believe.

x




xx