boys and bulimia

So the ex wants to get back together.. I knew this would happen. He has been saying all types of things like he will never stop loving me, he never did, he can't live without me in his life blah blah.

I told him I will not get back with him for a long time. I need to see that he is serious about this and us... and I don't wan't to rush back into things. I mean we have been together or breaking up for five years... I think I need time to find my independence. I still love him like crazy and he is my best friend so that's hard. Anyway I told him this and he says he will wait for as long as it takes. eeeep.

He knows I'm kissing other boys too...awkward.. I had a massive drunken cry to him on saturday night about my eating issues and how much I hate myself blah blah. He was lovely, and looked after me the whole night. We fucked. ooops. Oh well, I mean we aren't a thing and it was cool so whatever hahah.

In terms of diet- back to all my fucked up ways- bingeing, purging, attempting to eat normally and not care until I freak out again. ugh.

I guess I'm functioning atm but...

Christmas is so soon ! Fuck fuck fuck!!

No idea what to get my parents or brother.. it's his 18th on christmas day so I need two lots of presents!!!!!!!!

x

Update and some pics

So the meeting with the ex went...okay. We said hi and that's it. Friends said he was staring at me the entire night...awkward lol. I stalked his facebook after (i de-friended him when we broke up lol) and he had written all these statuses being like "...is so so so stupid" and "hate that i miss you" etc... The only thing he said to me was when I was leaving, he came up to me told me I looked amazing and when I pretended i didn't hear he said I looked beautiful haha. Mission accomplished- get him kicking himself. He has since asked me for coffee and told me he misses me in his life- he hasn't said anything about getting back together but that's what it kinda sounds like. I won't take him back now. He has had too many chances.

In other news- had a terrible audition yesterday and proceeded to binge because i was so depressed :( fml. Will fast today and tomorrow.

Photos as promised!

This is what i wore on sat- kinda slutty, tight and showed alot of boobs but whatever

And yes I know I look fat still!!!!!!

My hair-

That was before- yes I know I am wearing a harry potter costume haha

and after- Not too blonde just some highlights.

xx

Day nine

ugh major period plateau! My weight has barely shifted in the last few days. All up I have lost 5 kg (11 pounds) now on the fast.
I should finish my period today/tomorrow so maybe magically I will drop a billion kilos haha.

Seeing the ex tomorrow. ughh I so don't want to... But I am hoping to come across to him as a strong amazon babe/unicorn who doesn't need him (even tho I'm a fucking nut case) hah.

A friend told me yesterday that there is supposedly some rule for how long you should let yourself 'get over someone'. You should allow as many months for the years you were together. So we were together for all up five years- so I should allow myself 5 months to be fully over it. I'm definitely nearly there, I don't get sad, or miss him anymore, I'm just a little bitter towards him. But hey, we were never going to be friends haha.

Hope you all have a good weekend! I believe it is Thanksgiving? Thank god we by pass that one down here!!

xx

Day Seven

So I got my period yesterday ughh, and i feel like i've bloated up so much! Lost 4 and a half kilos (9.9 pounds). I'm hoping that the slow weight loss is cos of that and not cos I've hit a plateau or anything! Do you girls struggle at that time of the month?

My lovely little brother told me I looked skinnier today :) <3>

I'm loving holidays right now, went to the beach last night, shopping today, sleep in's, sun baking, getting my hair done on saturday(i'll post a pic)!

Day Five

Just about to finish day 5 now!

Lost just over 3kg, I'm still huge ugh my bmi is still around 20, so there is no way I will start getting complacent and think about being easy on myself! I don't deserve to be 'treated'!! I have so much work to do! I want to be hard on myself, I think it's the only way I will end up getting what I want.

Went out with my 'hubby' (best gay friend) tonight to dinner- he got Pad Thai, I drank water. Oh god. Would absolutely love a noodle dish right about now...but resisting temptation.

I'm terrified that I will turn into a bingeing monster when the detox is over...MUST STAY STRONG AND FOCUSED.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qx8GCOdyUUM

My friend sent me this link today- it's of cute, skinny,indie looking male models- so if that's your thing- CLICK!

Some of them are cute!! Some of them are too boyish and not man enough for me haha

Goodnight!!

xoxo

Day four

Just woke up to day four!

Lost 2 and a half kg! yayyyy!!

I can't really notice anything yet but :S.... Hoping to lose another 6 by Saturday!

Yesterday was so hard, went out for dinner with friends- they had huge plates of noodles and honey chicken and bread- was definitely having fantasies about bingeing/purging that! ha.

Staying strong however.

this week my plan is to lounge around and sunbake, maybe go to the beach! I love summer so much!!!!!!

I'm gonna dye my hair this week too, thinking putting some blonde in, lightening it up for summer!! eeeeeeeee!!

Life is going well I think!!! :)

xoxox

day two

I went to The Australian Ballet Center today, just for an acting workshop. The girls. These ballerinas. Took my breath away. Gorgeous, petite and elegant. I just watched them walking down the halls in their leotards and sitting in the cafeteria. Kinda creepy. But i couldn't look away haha.

Day two lemon detox-

I've lost 500 grams but I'm sure thats just water weight, I won't be getting excited till it's a couple of kilos. I'm feeling good, but then again I haven't done anything strenuous. No gym for a couple of days but until I've adjusted properly!

Harry Potter. have you seen it? What did you think? I don't want to give it away in case anyone hasn't seen it yet. But I loved it so much. Cried twice, laughed and shat myself out of sheer fear!!! Some parts were terrifying! I like a good fright but :P

Have a good weekend babes!xx

Unicorn.

LOL

my mum freaked out. She thought that by fasting I meant fasting of junk food (which I have been vomiting up behind her back anyway). But no mum, fasting means nothing, zero, no food passing through these lips.

Anyway she freaked out. We managed to compromise- I'm gonna do the lemon detox(master cleanse). HAHA. I did it last year and it went pretty well. Lost 8kg in 9 days. Wow. Hoping to do that again!

I actually am scared of weighing myself, I'm assuming i may even be near my highest weight. ugh. This binge and purge cycle has been epically out of control. And have not been to the gym in weeks, my only exercise has been a walk sporadically and dance classes 2-3 times a week. Not good considering i used to be going to the gym every day. Sick joke.

disgusting.

I need help to get back on track!

My friends and I call amazing skinny girls unicorns- these girls are mythical creatures, who seem to have magical powers (of not eating and being babes) lol.

Need to get to unicorn status again.

help me girlies?

Detox begins tomorrow. I will give you all updates.

xoxox

HOLIDAY

babes.

on holidays now.

I cannot wait to get into posting all the time again!!

So bulimia has been epic these last few weeks- epic as in. Bingeing is out of this world out of control, vomiting every day, every meal, I look puffy and sick! ugh!

Anyway. I managed to convince my mum that detoxing for ten days (fasting) would help to rejuvenate my vocal chords haha. She actually believed me. So as of thursday i'm fasting for ten days. woot. Cannot wait.

This ties in well, cos I have a party I want to be tiny for- ex nd old school friends will be there. ugh

Hope you are all well!

OMG HARRY POTTER TOMORROW!!!!

FNWUF;BWUIFGBUWRLBGWILBGWRLBFGIRLBFWIALBWARLI

I haven't died.

I'm just real effin busy.

Did one show last week- A midsummer night's dream. This week I'm doing my own Cabaret. Closing night tomorrow night. Can't wait actually exhausted.

Have just been restricting- vomiting ruins my voice, alas fucked up this arvo- home alone- what else- Which meant tonight's show wasn't as good as i could have been! ugh

anyways.

Nothing to report, currently lying in bed watching the recent ep of gossip girl. All I will say is Chuck and Blair............................ :O

hahah

Hope some of you understand this!

xx

Complain, cos it's what I'm good at ha

I don't have mono. Which I am very very relieved about. This is kinda sick, but I was almost hoping I would have it so I could just stay in bed all day, not eating, being a hermit. Yes! Hit me that was terrible of me!!! EEEEEEEEEEEP

I'm still sick but, I've got a virus but I'll be ok. Worst time to be sick- exam season, show season, audition season etc etc.

I've got an audition for Love Never Dies next week, which is the worst timing- am so lucky to get an agent call for it, but I barely have a voice cos of my throat and blah blah blah. So I know it won't be the best audition. Never Mind! Everything happens for a reason i suppose.

I haven't vomited in two days. Ha which is pretty good. Sometimes I honestly just think I am never going to stop. I just can't. I'll probably die of it. Dramatic I know...but ugh. It's never ending.

Has anyone stopped for good?

Whilst I haven't been vomiting I've just been living off strawberries, tuna and mineral water.

HA this post is so typical of me, complain about throwing up, complain about mia, complaining about uni complain complain complain

Haven't complained about boys yet but....

Boys:

I NEED ACTION.

None of this hooking up bull shit. There is only so much satisfaction I can get out of something with batteries haha.

I think what i want is a little fling- a fuck buddy, who I can get lots of attention from and who will take me out... Ha sounds like a boyfriend almost...hmmmm It's just so hard to meet straight boys waaaaaaaaaaa

In other news the silly kitten knocked over detergent when I wasn't home and has gotten sick from it. He will be ok, but I think it was probably him just being a diva and cracking a spaz for me locking him in the laundry.

"Take this bitch, I'm gonna trash the place unless you let me out, hiss hiss"

Had fun reading your blogs tonight and catching up on your lives :)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

fuck

Since I have been gone:

*b/p nearly every day again.

*discovered my neighbour, a girl who went to my school, who is a year younger then me is bulimic, she look's amazing but. Bitch haha. I wish we were friends.

*Gained i'm pretty fucking sure.

*been so fucking busy with shows and uni cbnhwiofbhilabfhilb

*debating what the fuck to do with my life next year. Since I graduate this year and all.

*getting tested for glandular (i think some of you may call it mono)- my immune system has gone to shit. Praying it's not glandular I don't have time to be bedridden!!!!!!

fuck fuck fuck fuck- my swearing is on high today haaaaaaa

miss you babes,

cannot wait till my life starts again so i can post more frequently.

Hellooooooooooooo

blah been so fucking busy!!!! Pulling out my hair!! I've actually been so busy I have been forgetting to eat. I know. how does that happen??? To me of all people!!

Anyway I'm about 62 atm.

News:

*Met some beautiful boys in the weekend, they have been texting non stop!! fun fun fun!!

*the ex will be at the same 21st as me on november 27th- operation be a babe and make him jealous begins now

*the cat has a few names- Dobby, Toulouse, Bali. haha. Poor kitty having an identity crisis.

*going out for a massive house party tonight- miss house parties so much!!! Clubbing is fun but not the same haha

*grandfinal replay this weekend, more food fml.

*I graduate in like a month. wtf.

*I'm still vomiting.

miss you girls

xx

Sorry Babes!!

So I know I have been a bit absent!

Well it's because my mum came home with this kitten the other day lol.

We haven't named him yet- any ideas??

But he has the funniest personality! Very curious, lots of energy and affectionate! He is fascinated by lap tops lol and always tries to get into bed with everyone (slut ;) ) haha

It does feel kinda early to get a new cat after Shadow, and I kinda cracked it at my mum. She explained that my brother (who is doing his final high school exams atm (vce)) needs something to gets his mind off things and help him relax- so if it helps him I'm happy!

Other then that I have been super busy at uni- rehearsals, photo shoots blah blah.

I'm going to weigh in tomorrow (friday)! Food wise I have been doing well, throwing up a bit again (ugh), and I gained after last weeks binge, so fucked up alot of my good work!! grrrr.

This weekend is a big one for australians- we have the football grand final lol. Which means lots of alcohol and bbq's and all kinds of scary food ha. Planning on eating a 'normal' diet calorie intake (1200). I figure if I do this, i might avoid a binge. Fingers crossed!!

Help me name my kitty!!!!!!!!

love u!!

xoxox

The honeymoon never lasts long...

So today has been a huge fuck up! I knew it was only so long until id turn into a bingeing monster!!

It all started when it was raining and cold this morning- don't knock it- I starve/work out the best when the sun is shining!

I ate my strawberries for breakfast and then went mental. 5 pieces of bread, a turkish roll, biscuits, ice creams, block of chocolate etc etc.

Skipped class and stayed at home so I could vomit.

Did it all again this afternoon!

Gah.

Look I'm disappointed. But it would have been unrealistic of me to expect a smooth run. I figure one day isn't too bad considering I used to be b/p every day, multiple times. I will probably gain, but I'm hoping to lose it by water fasting tomorrow.

Although I feel like a mammoth right now, there is always tomorrow I suppose.

BooHoo.

62.8

This morning I weighed 62.8kg (bmi: 20).

Which is a hell of a surprise since I also got my period this morning. GAH.

A lovely surprise it was. Hmmmm.

Anyways Just thought I'd let you all know :) Hopefully I won't gain this week because of it!!

oh.

And.

NO BINGEING YESTERDAY! Well I had about 900 calories, but I didn't end up gaining which was great- I lost a bit yay!

Anyways off to the gym now, to work this freakin' period pain away!!!

HAHA. Lol.

Soooo....

I didn't binge yay! Got through the whole shift without fucking up. I used all your tips too lovelies so thank-you! I let myself have 80 cals worth of dark chocolate ( I figure it is slightly better then a big fuck off chocolate bar), so it brought my daily total to 520!

Weighed myself this morning (it's sunday- offish weigh in is tomorrow) And I am 63. YAY (138pounds, bmi: 20.1)

I doubt I'll lose much if any by tomorrow but oh well. Slow and Steady wins the race bitches!

Although it's not a lot I've lost .6 of a kilo since tuesday. (1.3 pounds) And I know I should be 62.2 kg tomorrow, but after my little not going to the toilet fiasco during the week I think I can forgive that haha. And i don't think my little schedule took into account bowel blockages lol.

I still have to get through today however and I am working this afternoon. I think it will be easier for me to resist temptation today, since I am not hungover, Sundays are usually "I want to crawl into a hole and die cos I'm so hungover" days. haha.

Sundays are also where my mother likes to pretend she is a right Martha Stewart and cook cakes and slices etc for 'the children's lunches'. FYI my brother is 17 and I am 20. Lol. Must resist this also.

I had a quiet night in last night, watched some of season one true blood, and had some laughs getting drunken texts from my friends. I'm saving my pennies (and liver) for next weekend- 3 21st birthdays in the one weekend, gah!!!!

This year has been the most expensive of my life.

Presents for all my friends turning 21!!!! Free bar tabs are fun but ;) :P

Hope your weekends are going splendidly!!

Love you all!!!!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Great News.

So I went to the toilet ha.

This morning. Great news right??? It wasn't that big, but fairly good size I think.

hahah stfu Ava?

Anyway I read on the internet about how vitamin c is really good for regular 'movements', so i simply took some before I went to bed and what do you know!? Went this morning! I figured I'd try it first before i have a small binge/up my cal intake. Mainly because (it's a bit OCD) But i know as soon as I up my intake it's very probable that i would freak out-think 'oh what the fuck' and binge and purge.

Speaking of Binges.

I am dying here. I have had so many cravings to just eat crap lately (this week- perhaps getting my rags (do any of you call it that, is or it an australian thing lol?))- mainly coconut rough and white chocolate raspberry bullets, and maybe some bread. I nearly fucked up today- got home from uni early home alone, and there was fresh bread, chocolate and icecream.

I JUST managed to resist, had a cup of green tea and locked myself in my room haha.

I don't know how much longer I can go on. My bulimic self is not used to so much restricting!!!! Considering a planned binge/purge tomorrow???????!?!!?!??! eeeeeeeep. I can see myself slipping up majorly!!!

Anyways tomorrow I'm working 9-5 (Did I ever mention that I work in a cafe on weekends?). I know wtf right. This means:

Coffee, hot chocolate, cheesecake, mudcake, moussecake, eclairs, vanilla slices, caramel slices, biscuits, rockey road.

Pretty much a binge eaters wet dream right here.

It is so easy for me to just grab something and eat on the job. MUST FUCKING RESIST.

Haven't managed to weigh myself yet either so not sure if the toilet stop helped. haha.

Thank-you for all your suggestions and well wishing for me to go to the toilet. HAHAHAH. I feel like I'm a two year old ahahahhaha.

What should I do about my binge urges?????

Plateau. Again.

Majorly plateauing! WTF!

I have been the same weight since monday. It's thursday!! And I have been doing so well!!!! Exercising every day, drinking heaps of water, low calorie intake- but not the same every day and it won't budge!!! What am I doing wrong????

It may have something to do with the fact that I haven't been to the toilet in nearly a week (gross i know)!!!!!!!

Other then that NOTHING has been going on. Lame I know, just the usual uni, rehearsals etc etc.

The sun started coming through my window yesterday, which reminds me SUMMER is approaching, which excites me and scares me.... BIKINI'S!!!!!!!

My Window.

Jets bikini- love this brand. That and Seafolly. http://www.seafolly.com/australia - Jessica Hart models alot of Seafolly, she is amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing.

So yeah, only news is that I am terrified i won't be at next goal weight on monday!!

What helps you lovelies get over a plateau? For me, if I've been restricting for ages...it is usually a small binge (gah!!!!!!!)

Love reading your blogs, it has become like my fave hobby now. Get home from uni, get my mac, lounge around and read about YOUR LIVES! weeeeeeeeeeeeee

63.6

You girls are all so lovely and beautiful. Thanks so much for all your comments. I got a bit teary reading them all. I'm very lucky to have you all following and commenting. Virtually hugging you all!

Ok so since I haven't posted- Father's Day on Sunday (so much food everywhere) i said to myself that for that day I could eat 'normally' (about 1000 calories). Didn't go very well. I freaked out and vomited twice. Ugh.

Anywho. The weigh in. Am currently weighing 63.6 (bmi: 20.3) Which is good. I'm happy with that. According to the calendar weight I should be 63.5, So 100 grams over is ok considering my freak out binge/purge. Next weeks weight should be 62.2. So here's hoping.

Today is my day off uni. I'm having a lovely day floating around in my lace pjs, smoking, watching skins season three, drinking pepsi max. Do you girls like Skins? What's your fave season?

So tonight I'm going out for dinner for my nan's birthday- Chinese restaurant. Struggling majorly with what to order. Any ideas- healthy (low cal- I don't want to purge) and tasty? It will be my one meal.

Thanks again sweets! I'll miss Shadow :(

Onwards and upwards.

ps- thanks for the beautiful arm comment- made me laugh haha

xx

RIP.

We just put Shadow to sleep. He was really suffering towards the end. I hate writing sad posts. Just came back from the vet now. Feeling very sad.

I don't want to be all depressed and sorry for myself, but this year has positively sucked. My Grandpa passing, the break up and Shadow who I've known as long as I remember.

Everyone suffers in some way, so I know I'm not the only one. I guess things can only get better.

The pic is of him with me on my bed a few months back. He was a Siamese. With blue cross-eyes lol. A little deformity; but it made him special.

RIP Shadow.

Not Much to report...

Except that I have not binge/purged this whole week. wtf. what has gotten into me?? Who knows. Not food that's for sure. ha lol.

Me this week (hopefully) ha.

Anywho I've been eating around 300 calories each day. Been feeling fine. Not faint or anything. Which is new for me. Anywho I haven't been exercising, which is possibly why I haven't lost as much weight as I thought I would. I think I'm getting my period too, so could possibly screw up mondays weigh in.

My cat Shadow is really sick. His kidneys are failing. I dunno how u girls feel about your pets, but I've had shadow for over 14 years now and he is honestly part of the family. So yeah. tad sad :(

I've been kind of shit on commenting lately so hopefully I can catch up on you babes tomorrow. It's 1.20 am. Tired.

Stay Strong.

Update on skinny reasons!

I fasted today cos I was feeling sick again so that worked well cos I have no appetite at all. I think I'll have to go to the doctors, pretty sure I have got a virus.

Today I was so lazy.

I:

woke up at 10.30 am.

Watched Coco Avant Chanel.

Had a four hour nap.

Made a Tumblr.

So thanks to all your input I have put together 20 reasons for us to keep on track to reach our goals! Feel free to steal, add your own, change whatever. I'm going to print it out and stick it on my wall. :)

1. I can throw on anything and not feel self-conscious.

2. I will feel healthier.

3. I will have more confidence and be more outgoing.

4. I will have control over something in my life.

5. I will have more money- money previously spent on binges can go on other things.

6. I will not be the fat cousin/sister/friend/girlfriend.

7. I will feel more attractive.

8. I will receive more compliments.

9. I won't be called curvaceous.

10. I will be happier.

11. I will set a good example to those overweight.

12. I will be the envy of everyone.

13. Guys and girl will check me out.

14. I will feel sexy and be more confident and wild during sex.

15. I will look and feel amazing in a bikini.

16. Guys can easily lift me up.

17. I will not have to worry about sizes.

18. It will take less time to shower/rub lotion in/shave etc if my body is smaller.

19. I will accomplish something that almost everyone else fails at.

20. If I can do this, then I can do anything.

Hope you are all well! Taking my beloved lap top to bed to watch Gossip Girl :)

Results.

thanks for the comments guys!! I don't actually say mate in my every day speak, I'm probs giving my fellow aussies a bad name hahaha!!!

No he wasn't from bondi rescue, those guys are cute but.

I binged/purged massively this morning. I am out of control. I think a big reason is, I am extremely run down at the moment and tired, it seems to be what I turn to. But then again, anything makes me purge these days.

So weigh in.... eeeep..

Am currently 64.2kg ( bmi : 20.4) massive. I have gained in like two days.

Friday I was 63.1 (20.1).

At the start of the week I was 65.7 (20.9)

I guess at least I am not where I started last week. Still feeling terrible but.

According to that website I told you last week I should be 64.8, so at least I haven't surpassed that. Next weight should be 63.5.

Feeling so sluggish!!

I think I'll do what Glue + Pieces suggested and get my nails done, maybe fake nails might deter me!!

Ok So like i said, please be brutal, please tell me to keep going, do whatever!! Be as mean as you like! I need to hear it!!

So this is my why I need to be thinner (thus meaning stop purging) list:

• I can throw on anything and not feel self-conscious
• I will feel healthier
• I will have more confidence and be more outgoing.
• I will get more auditions.
• I will have control over SOMETHING in my life.
• I will have more money- money spent on binges can go on other things.
• I don't want to be the fat cousin.
• I will feel more attractive.
• I won't be called curvaceous.
• I will be happier (I WAS happier when I was at my thinnest).
• I will set a good example to my overweight mother.

If you can think of anything else, please add.

12.22 am

I don't want to be bulimic anymore. Can I just not today? Can it just be a matter of simple choice, like wearing these pants instead of those. Can it be a "shot-gun not"? Can I play the part of the anorexic instead of the bulimic now? Oh please cast me please!?

I want to be full of emptiness.

I don't want to be full-empty-full-empty-full-empty-full-empty.full.fat.

I don't. The only way I will stop this is if I don't eat. or die. The second sometimes seems easier.

I think about it. I wouldn't though.

What am I talking about here. Excuse me but my electrolytes are out of whack.

Maybe I'll be back in action tomorrow.

Agh tomorrow. a new day. also monday. Monday equals weigh in. Public humiliation.

Bring it on.

I need a beating.

I wonder If I would stop purging if I chopped my purge fingers off. Nah. I'd probably shove something else down there.

Upside:I had an amazing weekend. I kissed a boy. A life gaurd. That's so australian maaaaaaaate.

I'm fucked.

fuckmyballs

was going sooo well until...

I've been feeling sick again so i figured an early night would be wise- tonight my plan was this: gym, ab/butt work, bed with electric blanket, september issue and coco avant chanel on my lap top (in bed) and 45 calorie hot choc + 5 fat free marshmallows. Well-5 turned into the whole packet.

Thought fuck this, went and ate 6 biscuits washed down with a glass of milk.

Just purged everything. ughhhhhhhhh. I was doing so well, hadn't vomited in a while either. At least it wasn't a huge huge binge I suppose (for those thinking that's a pretty huge fucking binge..think again. I have known myself to have 6 pieces of toast, half a tub of ice cream, chocolate, lollies- anything you can think of in just one sitting). Anyways before that I had had 300 calories.

Oh god.

So I live at home right- which has it's positives and negatives- + save money. - not as much freedom.

Mother pays for my medical bills etc. She says to me today, oh I am booking you in to the dentist in a couple of weeks. fuck fuck fuck fuck noooooooooo.

Bulimic's worst nightmare... I haven't been to the dentist for a couple of years (shocking i know)- he never said anything then, but since then I have been gradually worse and worse with the rate in which I vomit. Ughh. Really concerned about splash patterns. Do not want to explain this again to my parents. Does anyone know about splash patterns and bulimia? How long they take to become apparent?

Regards to the ex- I texted back pretty bluntly along the lines of: "no. I have no photos. I'll be sure to remember your well wishes in three months time when my shows are actually on."

bitchy, but I could have been MUCH worse. 'tevs. He texted back and said "Thanks, wasn't sure just wanted to check. I'm really happy to be back home, had a great time in NZ but.xx"

ummm.

1: I never asked you about your trip/how it went etc etc.

2:Do not care.blah blah blah blah blah

3: "xx"...reallllllllyyyyyyy?

NOT REPLYING TO HIS MSG. I actually don't feel the need to. Plus I have enough clarity now that I know it is not good for me to do so.

Oh god. So Today one of my bi friends offered to have sex with me. Lol. I wouldn't just because I am not attracted to him in the slightest. But I just thought it was funny, offering himself- I must clearly look like i need some action. I asked him how he would get me into bed... his response was something like this: "I'd take you out, buy you lots of drinks. We would sneak off to the bathroom and do everything but sex, and when you are really wanting it I'll go call us a cab. We get in the cab have a nice chat and then i tell the driver to pull over and we have a go at it on the freeway."

lol nope. no thanks, he said that's how he gets the guys...

hahaha we had a good laugh about it. i.e- a nice chat in the cab?? lol, sex on the side of the freeway??

He got the drinks part right tho- I turn into a horny minx as soon as I 've had a few drinks.

But since we are on the topic, would you have sex with a guy who had been with guys before/who is bi? I haven't...not sureeeeeee if I would. But definitely no judging if you have/would.

Anyways off to finish watching The September Issue.

oh, and I live nearish chadstone! Toorak is beautiful!!

lol how all my posts have been sex related. Hope noone is offended :P

x

i heart water & pepsi max

In bed. 11.30pm. Fasting complete. Thank god sleep is near cos I am about ready to chew my hand off. I have survived with a ton of water and pepsi max. I am finding that I am semi-curing my cravings by surfing foodporndaily.com and thisiswhyyouarefat.com. Weird. I am being plagued by evil binge thoughts... I just want some bread.....and ice cream........and cake... and chocolate.and pastacheeseicingpizzanoodleslollieschipsbiscuitsdiqbfeibfhrewobhe.

THIS POSSIBLY COULD HAVE BEEN ME TODAY.

So the ex texts me today out the blue. It's been pretty much two weeks since I last spoke to him.

"Hey, random q just wondering if you have any x rated pics of me still on your phone? Hope your shows went well. xx"

ummm.wtf. this is what I am thinking..

1: YOU HAVE ALL THE PHOTOS OF ME. THERE R NONE OF U. DO NOT RELEASE/PLEASE DELETE THE PHOTOS OF ME. I DO NOT WANT TO BE THE NEXT VANESSA HUDGENS.

2:YOU KNOW THIS. YOU ARE CLEARLY MAKING UP A REASON TO TEXT ME.

3:IF U PAID ANY ATTENTION TO MY LIFE YOU WOULD KNOW MY SHOWS AREN'T ON TILL OCTOBER.

4: "XX???????" EFF YOU.

I'm lucky I didn't eat the entire university cafe after that little drama.

bah. Just when things start getting clearer he fucking pops up and brings me back down again.

Anyways I'm actually in a happier mood then I was before (believe it or not).

Weekend is shaping up to be fun- bestie from Sydney is coming down for the weekend to party it up!!

How did all you girls go with your fasting/days in general?

xx

Quickie (not the sexual variety...)

Such a long day at uni. Rehearsals went on forever, just getting home now (10.45 pm). Quick Post then I need to sleep.

Fasting tomorrow!!!

Rules for myself:

*No food.

*heaps of water.

*daily vitamins.

*any zero calorie soft drink.

Anyone who wants to join can, these are my rules for tomorrow! Feel free to do it however you like- water only/ some fruit/vegies/ etc etc- Whatever works for your body- we are all different remember! :)

Intake today: No vomiting wooooo- have not even had time/a chance to binge/ have a proper meal so that's why. Probs would have if I was at home alone and not at uni.

2 pepsi maxes

half a serving of vegie cous-cous- about 150-200

shit load of water

ok bed.

night girls. Remember to post how you go if you are fasting :)

x

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Pixiestix is back! Yayyyyy I have missed her blogging!! In answer to the question about singing: I have sung, acted all my life, I got an agent a few years back so I have gotten a fair bit of professional work now, which is great :)

I am going to fast this thursday! Who ever wants to join can!! I think i'll change the day i fast every week, just to keep it interesting. Feeling motivated by the public humiliation. Seriously you girls keep me in check haha. Whoever wants to do this can, we can start our own little routine ;)

Also reading a post on PrettyThin and was excited by this website: http://losertown.org/eats/cal.php
It tells you week by week what your weight would be depending on your exercise/calorie limit. Judging by this, If I continue to exercise 3-5 times a week and eat 800 cals, I'll be down to my tentative goal weight of 50kg(bmi 16) as opposed to current 21 (bleurgh) by November. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. I thought 800 cals was more than reasonable, I wouldn't eat that every day but I guess it allows for any fuck ups.

I haven't vomited/binged all day. I've had about 400 calories, been to the gym and done 8 minute abs and buns.

Still no sign of the sex drought ending... haha. I have potentials (guys showing interest) but I'm being picky, they just don't get me excited below the belt lawl!!!!! Plus they are being too keen. And I hate that. I like some mystery.
I had a sex dream the other night about the guy in the Katy Perry- teenage dream film clip. hahah the closest i am getting to the peen atm is in my dreams.
This is him if you don't know what I am talking about:




But seriously girls, we can do this!!!! We can be what we all dream of being. And we are going to do it together.

LAME.

HAHA.
But seriously :P

xx

NEED.

fat weekend.
Not much to report other then I ate like a 'normal person'+ purges. Which automatically makes me hate life. lol.

I've been thinking lately that I really need to evaluate what I'm doing in my life. I finish my degree this year. I really need to take advice of my agent and put myself out there. I need to stop spending money on binges and spend money on my future and marketing myself better. Which means;
*new clothes frequently
*hair coloured frequently
*teeth fixed (they are straight just my two front teeth are a tad longer then the others- plus they aren't pearly whites because of the purging.
*new headshots/show reel/studio time

Mia makes me so weak and lazy, I wish I could starve starve starve. Which is a terribly thing to wish I know. So many of you girls are struggling and here I am wishing this. Ugh.

I get angry with myself- I have these mini realisations all the time, and my motivation lasts for a while, then comes and goes in bursts. Don't get me wrong my motivation to perform is always there, it's just my crazy fucked up thoughts that get in the way.
I need to stop being so fucking lazy. I have all these people who believe in me, sometimes I feel like I am throwing it all away, I just get so overwhelmed in my eating/emotions and being a drama queen. I need a change. My teacher is helping me get into acting/music schools/agencies in London. I need to get out of my little bubble.

I need to make realistic goals. I aim to lose 5 kg by the start of October. Which is completely realistic- pretty much an amount anyone could lose healthily. 5 kg at least by then. I wont be doing it the 'standard' way. I'm not talking about recovery here. I'm talking about *fingers crossed* stopping binges, not purging multiple times a day, restricting and exercising more.
Exercise will be gym 5 days a week still in combo with daily 8 minute abs and buns. And of course my standard movement/dance/flex classes.



I think I will try giving you girls weekly weigh ins, hopefully this 'public humiliation' will motivate me to not fail. Lol. Starting the following week. You all have permission to shame me if I fail hideously.

I think I'll fast one day a week also. If anyone ever wants to join, let me know and we can blog/chat about it together.

Ugh AND just as I thought I was getting over everything The Script release this new song which pretty much could be called Ava-Rose's recent break up.

PS- I need a shag. haha.

It's a dirty free for all.

Thank you for the comments! I love you guys. Such amazing people you all are! I imagine you mean alot to those around you... (not just me :) )

I love hotels. I remember getting home from the party at about 5 or so the other night, and went for a walk along the corridors of the hotel as my friends were passing out left right and centre in our room. It was fun getting lost by myself in my numbed state, staring at the city lights out the window, walking past room after room of people tucked up in bed. It was so quiet. And so peaceful.


Today has been a good day for intake. I tentatively decided to fast but it didn't really work out- dinner with fam etc etc. So I decided with the anorexic part of my brain and went for something low calorie rather then the bulimic part of the brain which would say "Go on, eat pad thai, and 4 helpings of dessert in like ten minutes- you can just vomit it all up". Lol I'm serious that's how I always think. Anyway I decided on sushi. So I go to this quaint little japanese place up the road (side note: was served by this gorgeous petite japanese goddess- immediate thinspo) which I have never been to before. I order this 5 pack of spicy tuna pieces. In an effort to look experienced/comfortable with japanese cuisine (I only ever get the pre-made rolls at uni) I order this pretty much to avoid saying words such as "inari", "Futomaki", "Maguro" etc. LOL

Anyway I get it home start to eat it, and realise it's the raw tuna, which I hate. GAHHH I asked for the wrong thing. So I ate two pieces and palmed the rest of it onto my mum who was already eating pad thai. So according to calorieking.com they are 30 calories a piece. WIN. Defs getting the cooked tuna next time.

So that puts me at 60 calories today.

Probably going to be a Nanna and go to bed soon- it's 9.15. Who am I????!?!?!? LOL. But to be honest I have had a tiring day: dancing, and alot of physically/emotionally draining acting rehearsals. I am spent. Plus saving myself for the 'Ke$ha' style state I will probs get myself into tomorrow night HA. Especially with "a water bottle full of whisky in my hand bag" lol. Oh Kesh. lyrical genius. HA.



I also have to vote tomorrow- first election. Have tried to be a responsible Australian citizen and research each political party. :)

Have a good weekend my friends.

xoxox

sooooo struggling right now. ughh

Hey Babes,

So I had such a good night. The hotel was so nice- amazing views of the city, modern furnishings, comfy beds. We got trashed before we went out on cheap champagne, cocktails and downed shots whilst we danced around getting ready. Didn't end up gambling just went out to some bars at the casino, then to a club for the after party!

So this is me pre wasted:


And during wasted:



lol so clearly a bit of a difference. As you can see, I'm still abit para about showing my face on here. I wish I wasn't, I want so much just to share everything with you girls. But maybe one day.

Anyways, I had a huge convo with one of my friends- recovering/functioning anorexic. It's funny comparing the way in which we deal with food- she is a strict restricter and I obviously binge/purge// eat/purge. Yesterday she ate like two snowpeas, two cans of sugar free energy drink and all that alcohol. So strong. Don't know how she does it. I guess the bulimic mentality is very different to the anorexic mentality but.

My intake today has been actually preposterous. lol. Not even the fact that I went for a walk/ did 8 minute abs/buns will help me. gahhhh.

I don't think I will ever be able to continually lose weight for a long time in the state I am in. And you can see by the pics that I aren't anywhere near 'small'. It only ever comes off when I learn how to control my purging. fuck fuck fuck. My life is summarised by the notion of "oh fuck it." I'll stuff, vomit, stuff vomit, restrict, stuff stuff stuff, vomit.

Any girls out there managed to successfully lessen the amount of times they purge?? Howwwwwwwwwww you magical creatures??????

So I didn't really mean for this to turn into a big complaining fest but oh well!!!

TOMORROW WIL BE BETTER.

Let's go all the way tonight!!!!

thanks to all you beautiful creatures for the lovely words!!

It went well, I was an ice queen with him- remained totally calm, mysterious and aloof. I think I looked pretty good too ;) :). Hopefully he was kicking himself. Strutted away from the car when he dropped me off (Beyonce- Diva was the theme song in my head lol) i was fierce, talk about female empowerment/girl power lol.

The night wasn't as crazy as I hoped, no meeting of any hot/nice boys, but it was fun none the less.

I had MULTIPLE hangover binges/purges over Sunday, so I've gained a tiny bit from that, but I'm not TOO concerned. Nothing a day of restricting can't fix.

Pretty excited for this week. A group of my friends and I are booking a swanky hotel at a casino in the city- planning on getting dressed up, getting drunk, going out clubbing, gambling, whatever other crazy stuff we feel like doing! And then bailing on uni the next day!

fingers crossed this is me on wednesday :P

Today:
double choc chip cookies: purged.
3 strawberries.

So it's 4.30 so still have the rest of the night to get through.

But feeling pretty chilled.

x

food boys food boys food boys.

I had a tough day today.. talked to the ex about getting my stuff back. Meeting up on sat night before I go out which means will be *fingers crossed* looking some what impressive lol. It was just hard because it was the first time that we actually talked about the night we broke up. He expressed that he felt bad after what happened- story is- we broke up outside my house at about ten at night, he was crying, i was crying, and he got in his car to drive off as he saw me walk in the opposite direction (not to my house). I ended up roaming the streets crying for a few hours ha. I of course was pissed he didn't follow me, but i mean I knew he wouldn't. Anyway he tells me he has become reclusive since breaking up and hasn't been going out or anything just working. I've been doing the opposite: off the rails. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. lol.

I guess just talking to him again makes me miss him, plus the fact that we are giving everything back finally gives us no other reason to need to see each other. So it's just slightly frightening and new to me.

Hopefully I'll meet some nice fellas on the weekend ;)

ENOUGH OF BOY RANTING............

I read Wintergirls for the first time a few days back. I enjoyed it. I probably related to Wasted a bit more but. Lia's inner battle was definitely something that I identified with.

"My traitor fingers want that fudge. No, they don’t. They want a seven layer bar and some of those weird muffins and those pretzels. No, they do not. They want to squish the marshmallows and stuff them into my mouth. They will not."

Just having those moments where you are so torn between stuffing your face; and, killing yourself because you are simply thinking of stuffing your face.

Anyways my intake has been good lately.
Today I binged and purged on pancakes in the morning. ooops. (thank god my sore throat is going)
And I have eaten one sushi roll.

Going out for dinner tomorrow (italian), really really want to avoid purging for just one day if I can. Will try and order something light.

xxx